Lens

Still reading the Geneen Roth book and thinking a lot about the need to feel special, protected, and saved. I'm trying to learn to slow my mind-freak down to a dull roar and pay attention to what's really happening in the now and trying not to focus on things that are beyond my influence. I've talked about "wanting" before and how I need to find a way to minimize the wants in my life. I realized in my reading this week that one thing that I want, have always wanted, is for people to know the REAL me. And my biggest frustrations (especially lately) have come when that want has been interfered with. Discovering that my sister has been maligning my character for 30 years, one friend seeing me as nagging & self centered, and another one accusing me of "coming down on" her kid too hard when in reality I had been trying to find out if my kid had said something offensive . . . way back to when teachers assumed I'd have the same personality as my older siblings in elementary school. Anyhow: The lesson? People are going to see me (and the world) through whatever lens they are looking through - a lens that is smudged, shaped, cracked, and even distorted through their own experiences that have nothing to do with me. What can I do with this realization? I can understand that it just as well applies to me looking back at the rest of the world. This lens is all scratched and chipped, cracked down the middle with a big wad of duct tape holding it together. I need to polish it up or get a new one.  It's an ongoing project.

Also, it's been one crazy-ass week and I'm tarred!

A bit of good news today, but I'm afraid to share it or I'll jinx myself. Ends up I have time to blog tonight, but I'm super duper sleepy.

Weekend

James Marsden, the CPAP, let me down. For some reason I woke up at 3:30 with a gut full of air again. I hate that. I'm not sure what I did differently last night from all the other nights we've been sleeping together. He wasn't being very princely though. He must be taking the weekend off.

Yesterday was a day at home doing next to nothing. Sweetie cooked some frozen Stouffer's concoction in the solar oven which was fun, and we did some dishes and laundry. But mostly, we sat around and did a lot of game playing/reading/watching tv.  It was nice to loaf around for a change, but I should've squeezed some exercise in there somewhere.

My copy of Chocolate and Vicodin by Jennette Fulda has shipped. So I'm looking forward to finding that in my mailbox some day soon.

Looks like I'll be making a short trip to Chicago over next weekend to do some quick business. I love the city, not so much the driving. I hope we have a chance for some sight-seeing. Kiddo is already begging for the Sci and Ind museum.

Random

Still trending down on the scale. . . little by little. . .

But still haven't gotten back into the exercise routine. That'll speed things up.

Kiddo has a four day weekend. Seems like she rarely goes to school 5 days in a row.

My mind has been obsessing over some mean-ness from a "friend" that I just can't seem to let go. I just want to stop thinking about it. I don't know what's pissing me off more, the fact that she is so hurtful or the fact that I can't just let it go and move on. I think it's the latter.  Forgiveness, Lanie, forgiveness. I can't change what's been said and done. I know that. But why can't I stop thinking about it? Maybe exercise would help.

James Marsden was great last night, but only for 6 1/2 hours. I think I might go spend some time with him.

There are ducks on my front lawn. Idiots, there is a perfectly good pond out back. How am I supposed to sleep with all this quackery about?

Random

I'm feeling taller today.  Could it be the increased sleep efficiency? Or maybe I lost some weight overnight. Thanks to SpunkySuzi I will never know for sure, though.  At least she has successfully gotten me to obsess about the scale again. Maybe she should outlaw salads next week!

Yet another reminder call for a doctor's appointment that wasn't in my PALM. This time I've double booked myself but luckily Sweetie said he would cover for me at the other appointment since he took the day off to make up for being away on Valentine's Day. awwww . . .

Big weekend coming up and we are smashing all kinds of activities into it. Tonight kiddo has drawing class and a really cool drop-off event and one of the funnest kid places in the area so moms and dads can have a date night. I just love it and she'll have a great time with some of her favorite girlfriends. Sweetie and I might check out the newest downtown locality in our little burg if he can get off work in time.

Tomorrow while Sweetie's working I'll probably take Kiddo to the cat show. We are becoming more involved with "Crafting for Kitties" and some of our wares will be sold to benefit the no-kill shelter. My kid is cat-obsessed so she will be in seventh heaven.  Tomorrow night one of her long-time friends is in a musical production called "Wonka" which should be fun. I'm hoping we can still get ticktes.

Sunday we'll have to zoom to our hometown and meet up with my mom and sis so they can spoil Kiddo. I should finish sis's scarf I'm knitting today or tomorrow to take along. I can't wait until it's done. My next project is picked out already - it's just a washcloth that looks like good practice for some different stitches.

I no likie weekends.

So, yesterday was a waste of a day. I spent 5 hours in a heatless house waiting for a contractor from Home Depot that never showed. Then I spoke with the store manager and ended up promising to never to business with his company in my lifetime. Sweetie is at Lowe's right now looking for an alternative. I was angrier last night at HD than I have been with anybody in a long long time. It was not pretty. I was enraged. There WILL be a manifesto written and sent to HD customer service. Once I am calm enough to stop using the most satisfying of all naughty words.  It might be a day or two.

I am sick and tired of my flat, lifeless hair today. I don't use "product" in my hair other than JASON fragrance free shampoo and most of the year that works for me. I like to pretend I'm not vain, but this hair is getting on my nerves. (No, Mandy, I will not be shaving my head.)

I'm craving warm cookies and brownies today, right out of the oven. Luckily, I don't have the ambition to make them.

This week will be a full one - supposed to be donating '95 Monte Carlo (my baby!) to charity, getting issues at the "rental" house fixed up fromt eh break-in, volunteering at church, and general getting-the-house-in-order maintenance. I also have to get back in touch with the equip people and see if I can try another mask for the CPAP. Even with the chin strap, this one isn't working.I've lucked out enough 2 days to get a half-night sleep but if it's not consistent, it isn't worth it. I have bruised cheekbones from the tightness of the mask, but any loser and it loses it's seal and makes horrid noises that nobody could sleep through.  I'm determined to make the damn thing work.

Judging

One of my favorite parts of Martin Luther King Jr's famous "I have a dream" speech is the part that talks about wanting his children and grandchildren to be judged by the "content of their character" instead of the color of their skin. This MLK day, I've been thinking about content of character quite a bit. How do I build that in my kid, how do I show it in myself, and what are my expectations of it in others . . . these are the things on which I've been ruminating recently.

Judgment is  a difficult habit for me to let go of. I especially tend to judge judgers. I don't like to feel judged, but I realize that everybody is judging all of the time. Judgement is the job of god - big G or little, you decide. Plural, even, if you like. The most challenging work I've been doing is to let go of judgment. I can't quite figure out how I can hold myself and/or other up to high expectations and deal with those expectations not always being met without judgment coming into play.

Right now, I am judging m myself harshly for my recent eating habits, but not as harshly as I am judging the people who are judging OTHERS for not meeting their own expectations of health. So I sit here and ponder and get caught up in the drama of other people behaving idiotically instead of forgiving myself and doing better. After all, I'm the only person I can control, right?

People who do not practice general kindness are not worth my time. Is that a judgment? Or is it my right to decide that and follow through with it by movin on without them?  Dammit, this is hard. Judgment is so damn useful and addictive!

Ok, those are the thoughts rambling around in my head today . . .

This morning we did a Kids For Peace service project at the local botanical garden. We sowed seeds for veggies that will eventually be given to community gardens to feed the poor. Feels good to get soil all over me and do some good. Today is supposed to be a national day of service. I'm proud to say I (and my kid) participated in that.

Sunshine!

The sun is shining brightly this morning

I got up and made healthy breakfast for everybody

I'm in charge of RE (religious ed) for the K - 6th grade today - we're making Valentines.

Did you see Darla's give away?  I hope not, because if you go and enter it, then it's less likely that I'll win.  I like winning and it's been a while since I've entered anything. So, it's my turn. I'm pretty much a winner. Gimme gimme!

We're supposed to be going to a benefit dinner today for a classmate who has the same type of cancer hubby had. We don't really know her but we want to be supportive and we may see some other highschool friends there. A bit outside my comfort zone, but we'll go and probably have a really nice time.

If all goes well, we'll visit the Kitty Rescue Center afterwards which will make Kiddo happy.

Stylish Blogger Award

I received this award from four wonderful bloggy friends!  Thanks goes to inspiring writers at the following blogs:

FatAngryBlog
Pounds for Life
How I Am Losing It
Rejecting 300

Here are the rules!

Post and link back to the person who awarded you this award. Done! See above.


Share 7 things about yourself

1. I cannot tolerate liars.
2. I have a difficult speaking to people, 'cept my close friends and family. It's called Selective Mutism which is an anxiety disorder. I struggle with it probably on a weekly basis, but meds help me get through most daily interactions.
3. Being my kiddo's mom is the best job ever. I take it very seriously.
4. I've worked in banking, leasing, food marketing, customer service, insurance claims support, and call center supervision to name a few.
5. Reading and writing are like breathing to me. (I can't do them in my sleep either.)
6. John Lennon's "Imagine" is my favorite song EVAH!
7. One of my many weird interests is natural burial.

Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers (or as many as you can)

1. Stacy's Weight Loss Blog
2. Me So Hongry!
3. Cankles and Carrots
4. Lardy No More
5. Shrinking Bluebeari
6. Life Alignment

This is the hard part which I will have to complete another day. Hopefully I will get to it tomorrow but it's a looooooong weekend!

Contact the bloggers and tell them they won

Blog awards, etc

I've been crazy busy with the new suburban 30 ft sledding hill and basically stuffing my face the last few days. I'm totally outta control here. I'm frustrated by the CPAP but tweaking things and hoping eventually it will work for me. The BiPap sounds like a good possibility, although I'm not sure insurance would cover it - though they cover the CPAP at 100% so maybe! Besides, hubby would spring for it if he thought it would give me energy enough to keep the house clean and orderly. Well, ya know . . .. it's much funner to go sledding.

So FOUR friends have nominated me for blog awards in the last coupla a days. I'll get to it, really I will. Probably not today as it's practically bedtime already. But I'll at least LOOK at them and start thinking about it. Gosh, I'm lazy lazy lazy. Wow. a lazy fat person. What are the odds of that?

Thanks for those awards and also to the people who emailed wondering if I"m okay. I am. Pretty much. Tired, but okay. I love playing in the snow. Too bad I totally busted kiddo's old sled and the new one I bought her won't fit my obese buttocks. So, any suggestions for sleds? I think the foam ones look fast . .. or maybe a nice sturdy saucer.

Whew. I'm tired.

I love snow. Have I mentioned that?

possibly my last day waking up with a headache

Working out at the gym first thing this morning.

Then off to a little workshop on using machines to breathe while I sleep

Then off to Meijer

Hopefully home by noon for lunch with Sweetie. He'll want to check out the new machine, I'm sure

Laundry all afternoon

Pick up "Market Day" after school

Upper back is sore from yesterday's weights.

Looking forward to waking up perky tomorrow

The "X" key has fallen off of my laptop. I have an ex-X key.

Not very inspirational today

• My leg pain is finally gone, but I've had a headache for the last coupla days.
• Back to the gym tomorrow, restarting the situp challenge and back to the squats
• Meatless Monday returns as I cook garlic pasta for lunch and Mandy's kale & rice for dinner
• I'm really sick of trying to read "A Course in Weightloss" and I think I'm gonna chuck it.
• Lots of after school activities this week.
• Long weekend  - no school Friday or next Monday
• Office politics in the church getting to me and must be confronted straight on
• Got to see BFF today and had a good lunch at Tropical Smoothie with her and other friends

Random Quacks.

I walked 2 miles on WIO today and probably could've done more if I had brought my hydration along. As it was, I had to go get my huge glass of water and then was distracted.

Much enjoyment has been gotten from watching the ducks on our pond this week. The pond is frozen solid except for a circle in the middle about 10 feet in diameter because of the bubbler we keep running year-round.  This makes a nice water feature that attracts more wildlife, including up to 23 ducks (so far) at one time. The enjoyable part is when they attempt to fight on the ice. We put some cracked corn out for them today and 6 were trying to make their way to shore. One bumped into another and a squabble ensued. They were sliding around everywhere . .. looking like feathered weebles. I need to charge my video camera. Laughter is the best medicine, we should all be doing well and thanking our resident quacks.

Sweetie. I like him. We had fun playing with the kid today, lots of laughs. I'm anxious for Christmas even though she is the only one who receives gifts. She no longer believes in Santa, but she is  one of the more appreciative people I know - always happy to be thought of.

Tomorrow is the Hot 100 Weigh-in, second to the last in fact. I've skipped some because of depression and other things. I think I'm back on track now and will check in for it tomorrow. I made the msitake of going for a bday breakfast at a place that has a photo of some now out-of-state family mid-month and I became very sad and "wallowy" after seeing the kids' photos, knowing they are growing up without me, it breaks my heart. I love those kids (and their parents of course) to pieces. I miss them more than what is probably normal or healthy - not that I would know a normal or healthy emotion if it snuck up on me and kicked me in the buttoxen - anyway, I think I am a little better now and can move on with life with less wallowing. At least until the ducks leave. :D

I'm so random

I did 30 minutes on the eliptical today. My knees are complaining about it loudly now, but it felt very satisfying to accomplish that.

It looks like a lot of snow coming our way for Sunday which is my actual birthday. I'm looking forward to a day of hanging out by the fireplace.

My schedule was all wonky today and I ate pretty randomly  too. Went out to breakfast with a friend and didn't bring my morning meds along. About 2 pm I felt the energy seep out of me and into the floor - caffeine withdrawal, so I had a diet Dr. Pepper which actually helped. A lot of times I will have a headache from artificial sweeteners, but not so much today. 

Tomorrow we travel and hour to see some family and get ssome loot. More restaurant food and sitting in the car for a long while. 

Saw a demo of he Vectron Wave toy today on the Ellen show and it is now my own most wanted toy, aside from the mega set of Magformers. Unfortunately, kiddo doesn't appear to be shopping at the toy store for my gift this year. Pffft..  i love toys (no, RNTG, not THOSE kinds of toys)

Zumba & Body Sculpt + possible gym membership

This morning I did an hour Body Sculpt class with my friend before the hour Zumba class. I feel sore/stiff/GOOD. 

I have a free membership until the end of the year for this ladies-only gym now. I'm planning on taking full advantage of it even though it isn't THAT close to me. I need to get more friends to go with me because it is OH SO MUCH FUNNER with a friend. I had forgotten how much I missed my old workout buddy so I'm going to try to get her a free membership too since we both dropped our Y memberships.  Then, rumor has it that they are offering a $99 black friday membership.

Ok, gotta do clarinet lessons yet, eat, pack a goodie bag,

Oh yeah - my kid is student of the  month :)

quick post

kid is staying home from school today. She's feeling nauseous and lethargic. Sweetie suggests it's hormones. I think he just says that to get a reaction out of me.

cold today and lots of birds at the feeders; juncos, chickadees, goldfinches . . . a coupla ducks on the pond today . . .

Watched Biggest Loser on the net . . . not happy with the results but as it gets down to the end, it's harder to choose . . Next week is makeover week which will be fun to watch.

well . .. I must go make sure this kid isn't enjoying herself.

BFFs

What you might infer from this photo

I am taller and fatter than Mandy
She is happy
She is wearing one of my Champion workout suit jackets that I cannot yet stuff my hooters into
I am a peacenick
I don't wear proper shoes unless absolutely necessary
I got to see my BFF today
I am still big, but much smaller than I was.
Mandy is all thigh & breast, keep Colonel Sanders away!
At least one of us is unafraid to ask a shoe salesman to snap our photo

We got together for a few minutes today, just long enough to be our silly selves. No eating, just exchange of some clothes that I'm paying forward and she will return as hand-me-ups when she is a bit smaller. We each drive halfway - 30 - 45 minutes depending on traffic - while the kiddos are in school and we can steal a little time together and entertain the locals with the ever-popular "Mandy & Lanie show."  She gets top billing - it's the smile.

Thanks to Allan and Sue again for the workout clothes. I am planning to make those XL's fit nicely real soon!