Fibromyalgia

Ouch.

It's been so long since I had any fibro pain that I was beginning to think I had imagined it before. You know, it's as if my body's trying to tell me something.  what could it be trying to tell me? Hmmm. . ? Perhaps it's trying to tell me to

GET OFF MY BUTT AND MOVE EVERY DAY AND FUEL IT WITH NUTRITIOUS FOOD AND LOTS OF WATER AND SOME FISH OIL SUPPLEMENTS EVEN!!

Seriously, it's been about a year since I even thought about this annoying pain that NSAID's don't touch. I'm sure the lack of exercise and emotional stress are at the heart of my problem.

And this stupid snow. Can I blame it on that? And also, I hate to wear socks. There, I said it. It's out.

stupid pain.

Yesterday was a full day of volunteering and 3/4 of day of intense pain.

It's bad enough to have killer menstrual cramps. I'm used to that for a day or two every month and can ignore it. This time, I'll spare you the details, but it is particularly unpleasant.  But that wasn't enough! Even though I felt otherwise "fine" while I shelved books at the school library, when I got out of the car at home afterwards, I had pain in my left leg from my knee all the way up to my lower back. Not muscle soreness - I can deal with that with basic whining techniques. Not sciatica, I've been down that now seemingly pleasant road before. No, this is different.

I took my Voltaren and went about my day sitting at the church and working on the weekly newsletter and walking became less of chore as the meds kicked in. It was barely noticeable until I got home and *gasp* tried to climb a stair-step. I'm telling you this hurts all along the long bone and OUCH it takes my breath away.  But now, it only hurts when I'm going up the steps.

So yesterday I skipped squats.  I did do 91 sit-ups for that challenge though. I keep stretching my legs and my back and it seems to be getting a little better. But I think I'd better rest it for another day. If that doesn't help, maybe a chiro? I've never been to one before but a friend works in the office for a chiro practice somewhere nearby.

A dusting of snow today caused backups on I-75 near the Ohio turnpike. Another good reason to stay home. Fools can't drive.

I'm so ready to hibernate

I'm really struggling right now with the urge to "retreat" from the world. I just love being at home and alone for a while in the winter, not driving around after dark that comes way too early, not facing the maniacal holiday crowds. Just me, Sweetie, the Kiddo and all the Christmas cookies we can eat. Yum . .. cookies.

Sore throat is sneaking in, and the fatigue is extra extra bad.  I ended up deciding to be a lump today for most of the day. although I did go and pay my traffic ticket - this was a anxiety trauma of proportions that I am not yet ready to discuss. I also took kiddo to clarinet lessons. We had a good long snuggle tonight afterwards which is just what I needed. I was surprised she was still long enough.

So, tomorrow is day 3 of the first week of the 200 squat challenge. Part of me wants to put it on hold until my hemorrhoid problem clears up, in case that is what is aggravating it. However, I feel no symptoms of it when I'm performing said squats and I really do hate to be a quitter. Plus, Mandy would never let me hear the "end" of it. Oh, that reminds me - kiddo decided to showoff yesterday and do 100 squats after hearing us discuss the program. I warned her - quietly, true - to be careful and not overdo it. Yeah, she's hurting today. Thus, the snuggles.

I also got asked to come back to volunteering at the church office after the first of the year, and that is a good thing. I think if I'm required to be "out there" and doing for others, I am less likely to stay home and wallow. I need to be needed, I suppose.

Laying around today, I read David Sedaris' new book. For anybody with an incredibly sick sense of humor, I highly recommend it. It's called Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk and it's a series of twisted animal stories. If you're a normal person, you probably wouldn't like it. But then, you probably would like me anyway so why are you even reading this? Shah!

PITA!

I've got a pain in the asterisk that just won't go away. Or rather, it goes away and then it comes back again. It's not digestion related, but my butt is SORE! I had never had hemmorhoids before Kiddo was born 9 years ago, but have had occasional flare ups since then. Had one last week and thought "hmmm. . .could this be hormonal?" and it went away after a day or two. But now, it's back. Could it be somehow related to the evil eliptical? Please, GAWD, don't let it get like HFP's was. Drinking lots sof water, eating lots of fruit, using Cottonelle . . . Doing everything right and now this? It's really really a pain in the butt!

I'm so random

I did 30 minutes on the eliptical today. My knees are complaining about it loudly now, but it felt very satisfying to accomplish that.

It looks like a lot of snow coming our way for Sunday which is my actual birthday. I'm looking forward to a day of hanging out by the fireplace.

My schedule was all wonky today and I ate pretty randomly  too. Went out to breakfast with a friend and didn't bring my morning meds along. About 2 pm I felt the energy seep out of me and into the floor - caffeine withdrawal, so I had a diet Dr. Pepper which actually helped. A lot of times I will have a headache from artificial sweeteners, but not so much today. 

Tomorrow we travel and hour to see some family and get ssome loot. More restaurant food and sitting in the car for a long while. 

Saw a demo of he Vectron Wave toy today on the Ellen show and it is now my own most wanted toy, aside from the mega set of Magformers. Unfortunately, kiddo doesn't appear to be shopping at the toy store for my gift this year. Pffft..  i love toys (no, RNTG, not THOSE kinds of toys)

You know . . .maybe the eliptical is not so bad afterall!

Tom hates me. I'm sure of it now. She's the one that talked me into trying out the spinning class and this was AFTER she knew I had knee problems. She did, however, recommend that I draw attention to myself by introducing myself to the instructor as a new student to ensure that my bike was set up properly.

Let me take a moment to tell you that I had done my research.  I knew this was going to hurt. I knew my big-fat-oversized buttoxen would be aching after hanging over that tiny concrete bike seat for an hour. I had heard that this lady is very good about keeping you off your buttoxen to lessen such injury. I knew I would sweat, be uncomfortable, burn calories. I had been warned and I took these warnings into account. But this trainer - you know, the one that's been trying to kill me all week? For some reason, I trusted her. I'm beginning to think she hates fat people. Damn you, Tom Riddle in  sports bra!

By the time class actually started, I was already tired. Seriously. All the standing up and peddling to make sure all of the bike settings were properly  . .. um.  . .set . . .tired me out. But I thought I'd catch my groove (no bike seat/ooh-ha pun intended) and at least be able to burn some calories.

I don't know how many minute we were into the workout. Not many, let me tell you that! I think it was on the second "climb" that my right knee gave out and I felt myself pitching forward. In super-slow motion, I felt myself lurching forward face-first over the handlebars. Luckily, my feet were convieniently strapped into the torture device to prevent that evenutality. I hit the handle bars but luckily the fall was broken by some enormous cushions I carry around with me. Yipes.  The best part? All the wile, my legs kept going because that's how the torture works! Nobody seemed to notice, oddly. It was almost exactly like one of those dreams where you're in high school walking around in the hallways and nobody seems to notice something's different, only here I was actually wearing a shirt. I checked though, hoping it was just a nightmare. I've been disappointed before to find myself fully clothed, but today it was somewhat of a relief.  Luckily I had the presence of mind to reach down and press the break so that my legs would stop their roadrunner-like blur.

At this point, I took a drink from my water bottle (I may take up an alcohol habit before I do this again) and nonchalantly (I tell myself) regained my composure (again, I tell myself) and begin to ride. My knee works, but there is no way I am standing while pedalling again. Ever. Or at least until I can squat with my body weight comfortably and for extended periods of time.  

The instructor had said that we shouldn't worry about keeping up and if we could just sit and ride the first time, that's all she expected of us. So I sat. And I rode.  And that knee? It began to really hurt. Not just be challenged now - but there was a pinching sensation at a certain point with every rotation. Not something I would equate with muscle pain or even arthritis or plica discomfort. It was more like "something's not in the right place" twinges of pain. I endured it for a long time, but it continued to increase in intensity with each stroke of the pedal, so I hit the brake again, sure that the class would be over soon. I looked up at the clock and discovered that we were only 20 minutes into the 50 minute class.  I sat there, dramatically rubbing my knee so that the instructor would realize that I'm not just a lazy fat chick but in fact an injured lazy fat chick. She gave me the nod of injured lazy fat chick recognition and I tried again. Ouch. So I sat and sat with that seat sinking into my voluminious butt. I was in the back corner the furthest from the doors. The lights were off, there were no windows, only mirrors in this small room. No way was I trying to walk across a room of skinny spinners on my escape route. I would just have to sit there. No, stand! I could stand!

I wrestled my feet from their restraints and put one, and then the other, gloriously on the tile floor. I extracted the bike seat from my nether regions and stood, straddling the bike frame, like a doe (doh!) in the headlights. And I began to panic. What if somebody thinks I'm looking at them? Here I am in the back row with all these butts in front of me. I must watch the instructor only. Yeah, that makes sense. Is there any air circulating in this room? Oh my god, this is so embarassing to be the most obese person in here and look so damn lazy for actually stopping AND dismounting the bike. I'm so pissed at my body for doing this to me. I'm trying! TRYING to be healthy and this is how it repays me?  Now I have the choice to bolt (oh no, I did NOT underestimate that urge) or to stay and not make a big scene, standing standing standing for the next 30 minutes. God, the music was awful. Really? Country? Something about falling to pieces, something about yer killin me? Seriously? Focus on the fan, it's moving, the air is moving. The room is so dark and so small and I'm hating this.

How could it get worse? Oh, I have an idea! Maybe the instructor can come SPEAK TO ME PERSONALLY as the music continues. That won't draw attention at all. She was kind, she said it was ok to just stand there until I felt like I wanted to get on again. She understood that knee problems can be wicked. Man, that would really be embarassing IF SHE WAS STILL WEARING HER MICROPHONE HEADSET. Somebody, please shoot me. I swear I took my meds last night.  I did get back on and pedal w/o resistance for the "cool down" song and then did the stretches. I salvaged some pride that way.

Maybe this is something I'll do again in my maintenance phase. And then? Then I'll grab the bike closest to the door and maybe wear a brace on my bad (worse) knee the first time. Naturally, the instructor wouldn't let me out the door (yeah, just one door! can you say safety hazard?) and gave me advice on strengthening my leg muscles to support my knee. Things I've already been doing. I would told her Tom Riddle herself had recommended the class for me, even after being notified of knee issues, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have known who I was talking about anyway. Tom will get hers tomorrow, even if I have to beat her with my new cane.

Btw, no problems with the knee as far as walking, but my buttoxen "hurt like hell."

Pain

Sometimes when we are so engulfed in and overwhelmed by our own pain, it's really hard to keep things in perspective.

This is one lesson I've gleaned from my reading of The Shack already. It's sort of like looking past your pain to find your joy. Earlier I gave advice to another blogger that when she is so far down so lonely and desperate that one thing to do is to focus on service to others. Not your immediate family, but people that you don't have connections to like the sick or the homeless. There are so m any needy people and critters that need help. Volunteering is one way I get "out of my own way" and "look  past the pain" on my down days when I'm really just ready for a big wallow in the puddle-muck of self  pity.

It'd be funny to say "pain" is my middle name, given my blogger id, but it's more that I"m a pain in the ass than my sould being "a little black spot on the sun today". I've consciously worked hard all my life to get around the pain of my childhood. The grief for the little girl that I was can be overwhelming for sure. It can make me lose my perspective, and lose my power. I have my days, but mostly they are good.

Look past the pain, find your joy. It's not always easy, but it is doable.

Hip/low back pain: What works for me.

I've read a lot of bloggers complaining about hip and low back pain and keep meaning to share what works for me.  I saw this exercise many many years ago on Regis and Kathy Lee (yeah, that long ago). I think it may have been Susan Powter who recommended it, but I really can't be sure anymore. At the time, I was working on my feet a lot, I was at a healthy weight but I had a lot of joint pain, including in my hips, and my lower back was killing me because of all the lifting I was doing, and my bed was a piece of junk I had been sleeping on for 15 years.  Anyway, the exercise worked for me and I remembered it after Kiddo was born and my back would give me more troubles as I gained weight.

1. Lay flat on your side with your arm under your head and your toes pointed.
2. Keeping your knee straight, slowly lift your leg straight up so that your toes point towards the ceiling (as high as you can get w/o hurting yourself) and you feel the stretch on your inner thigh.
3. Slowly lower your leg to the beginning position
4. Then Bend your knee and slowly bring it up to your abdomen as best you can until you feel a stretch in you glutes.
5. Slowly straighten your leg again to the starting position.
6. Repeat.

You decide how many times you want to repeat this each night and do each side. If your legs are really heavy it might be 5 per side at first. It's important to do both sides so that your lower back is "balanced"

It should help strengthen those hip flexors and your low back.

I'm definitely not an exercise expert, but I hope this helps somebody!

So much for 10 pm

I was up until almost 2 o'clock this morning, upset about something at kid's school. Couldn't stop thinking about it. She was up at 1 am with growing pains in her legs. Tylenol and some snuggles then sent her back to bed. Finally got some sleep, about 5 hours I guess. Not too shabby, but would like to have a few more zzz's before driving to the windy city later today.

Goal today is to wash and sort laundry. Between loads, the sofa is my friend. Now if I could just convince Hobbes to sleep on my feet.

Apparently, housework doesn't burn as many calories as I had hoped. Gained a slight bit this week, less than 2 lbs. I need to figure out how to balance intense cardio time with cleaning time. I guess that will get easier as house gets more "in order" and doesn't take so long to straighten.  We'll be doing lots of walking in the next few days so it's all good.

We'll leave this afternoon, Sweetie staying home to hold down the fort and keep the kitchen tidy.

jogging

I jogged for 20 minutes in my RunTones and my (big fat over-sized) ass hurts like hell.

At least it takes the attention away from my  heart.

I'm gonna try this again later tonight. Haven't decided about with or without shoes yet though.

First day of school

Yesterday was the first day of fourth grade for my daughter at her new school. It's a tough age group. Kids are mean and my daughter has inherited a bit of my social anxiety. This morning, the 2nd day, she had a hard time getting out of bed and getting ready. When we were walking to the bus stop, she started crying. She misses her old school. She misses her friends. There's a mean girl at the new school and she is her locker partner. She's too tired to go to school. She got on the bus with tears still streaming down her face.

I have to choose my reaction carefully. Mama bear wanted to come out and eviscerate papa bear for making this problem even exist. Mama bear's teeth needed sharpenedd  . . .but, that wouldn't solve anything. Instead, I emailed the teacher to make her aware of the high emotional state and the nervousness about the locker partner. I asked the teacher to help kiddo find the other girl scouts in her class and find connections to other kids.

I wanted to take a nap and escape from the world for an hour or two. Luckily, my girlfriends keep calling me ensuring that won't happen. They tell me things will be ok, the world is full of jerks, and kiddo will become a stronger person for learning how to deal with them.

For a minute, I wanted to eat. Maybe only a half minute. I went and exercised instead. I'm going to go to that some more now so that I can be my calmest (sweatiest, stinkiest) mommy when she comes home. I fully expect that today was better than yesterday. It is, afterall, art day!

Just checkin' in

I didn't eat a whole lot yesterday. I wasn't hungry. I did eat one piece of string cheese despite my lack of hunger, only to cushion my pain meds so they wouldn't upset my tummy. Pain from normal hormonal happenings and pain from showing off that I could run. Good news: it didn't hurt my knees one little bit. Bad news, my hips and everything above them felt jarred for the rest of the night. So, I'm not ready for running yet, even to the end of my driveway, but it was kind of fun trying. Maybe next time I should wear shoes. I've got to remember my Omega 3 supplements to help cushion these joints.

Speaking of shoes, I am 7 pounds away from my Reebok goal. I guess I'd better start pricing them and hope I can afford them once allowance comes next week.

Other than my short little run, I had no intentional exercise yesterday. Today I intend to start walking at least 30 minutes a day on my Walk it Out game. Cramps or no cramps, I'm walkin'. It also will help the time pass between taking my thyroid meds and being able to eat. Gosh, I don't like not eatin when I am hungry!

So, down point 2.2 pounds from yesterday. My body's doing its job and I'm trying to take good care of it. It's working and I love that I'm in control of it. Today I'll be visiting my mom, so control will be a question on my mind!