MIA

yes I've been MIA lately. I think I found a new "rock bottom" to my ongoing emotional crises. It seems there is no end sometimes. I will think I'm going along fine and nothing can knock me down off my pedestal and then WHAM! Deeper than ever before.

But I'm feeling better - doing for other people instead of wallowing in self pity. Can't say I'm really proud of how I've been treating my body lately. Must do better. MUCH better.

Sorry I haven't been reading blogs for the  most part either. Wallowing takes up a lot of time.

I can't control what other people think of me. I must come to grips with that. People will be wrong. People are wrong lots of times. Why not be wrong about that, too. It's not fair: it just is.

So.

So. My head is still not where it needs to be.

I'm feeling a lot of stress.

I'm not eating well.

I finally made myself do at least a little exercise - ended up 8/10 of a mile on Walk It Out. Not very challenging but I feel a bit less like killing someone at the moment.

Aspie index is high these days and it wears on me. It's not easy. Really not easy at all.

Life goes on. I exercised a little bit today. I'm on my own for dinner - broccoli anyone?

Book swap tomorrow after church. Kid and Sweetie are sledding now. I hope they are safe and having fun. I am doing my best not to be a low-flying helicopter parent . . . I'll hover a little higher.  Now off to get my shower at almost 6 pm. Thank goodness for a moment alone. I definitely have needed it after attending to everyone else's problems and feelings this week(s) and then being reminded that other people's problems are worse and that those people actually have family support networks to pitch in. Whatever. Everyone has their own pain. One person's pain doesn't outpain another. We all need support from time to time. Only some of us just do without.

I'm so ready to hibernate

I'm really struggling right now with the urge to "retreat" from the world. I just love being at home and alone for a while in the winter, not driving around after dark that comes way too early, not facing the maniacal holiday crowds. Just me, Sweetie, the Kiddo and all the Christmas cookies we can eat. Yum . .. cookies.

Sore throat is sneaking in, and the fatigue is extra extra bad.  I ended up deciding to be a lump today for most of the day. although I did go and pay my traffic ticket - this was a anxiety trauma of proportions that I am not yet ready to discuss. I also took kiddo to clarinet lessons. We had a good long snuggle tonight afterwards which is just what I needed. I was surprised she was still long enough.

So, tomorrow is day 3 of the first week of the 200 squat challenge. Part of me wants to put it on hold until my hemorrhoid problem clears up, in case that is what is aggravating it. However, I feel no symptoms of it when I'm performing said squats and I really do hate to be a quitter. Plus, Mandy would never let me hear the "end" of it. Oh, that reminds me - kiddo decided to showoff yesterday and do 100 squats after hearing us discuss the program. I warned her - quietly, true - to be careful and not overdo it. Yeah, she's hurting today. Thus, the snuggles.

I also got asked to come back to volunteering at the church office after the first of the year, and that is a good thing. I think if I'm required to be "out there" and doing for others, I am less likely to stay home and wallow. I need to be needed, I suppose.

Laying around today, I read David Sedaris' new book. For anybody with an incredibly sick sense of humor, I highly recommend it. It's called Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk and it's a series of twisted animal stories. If you're a normal person, you probably wouldn't like it. But then, you probably would like me anyway so why are you even reading this? Shah!

bah humboog.

I've been fighting off depression that's trying to creep in ever since the Spinning mishap the other day. Way to put me in my place, universe!  And now the sinuses are giving me troubles too.

But, I had fun at the gingerbread house making party. The houses were actually made out of grahm crackers but the kids had great fun. It was really nice and it was special to be invited because each of the 2 siblings only got to invite 4 friends each. So the girl who invited Kiddo is not even in her class at our new school, but she is in our Kids For Peace group and they get along so well together. Very charming girl, and her mom is nice too!

So it's Sunday - always my blah day anyway because of the atmosphere in the house when Sweetie has to go back to work. And my birthday is approaching which always depresses me - not for the reason you think. It's not that I care about getting a year older. Age is just a number and if you ask people who have met me, I certainly do not act my age. I get really depressed because I miss the times when my birthday was a special time to celebrate me. See, I told you I was immature.  Part of being a grown-up and a parent, I suppose. I'll have to go and see my mom & sister - we'll meet at the half way point, an hour from here/an hour from them. Mandy will call and sing, probably. Most people won't care to notice. Maybe one or two friends . . .bah humbug. And then Christmas comes, which is a whole 'nother post about depression.

So hopefully now that I've put it "out there" for everyone to see how stupid it is, and for me to see how stupid it sounds, maybe that'll make me kick things into gear and get outside of my own thoughts. some nice http://www.dharmaseed.org/ may help me calm down in the morning, not anymore tonight. And hey - how bout I actually take my meds tonight? I bet Aunt Flo will be here by the end of the week too. She always likes to spend my birthday with me.  So thoughtful. At least one relative care enough to visit.

Now if you could all send telepathic messages to my husband saying "Kindle" I would appreciate it. Thanks so much. I'll stop wallowing (for now).