I'm so ready to hibernate

I'm really struggling right now with the urge to "retreat" from the world. I just love being at home and alone for a while in the winter, not driving around after dark that comes way too early, not facing the maniacal holiday crowds. Just me, Sweetie, the Kiddo and all the Christmas cookies we can eat. Yum . .. cookies.

Sore throat is sneaking in, and the fatigue is extra extra bad.  I ended up deciding to be a lump today for most of the day. although I did go and pay my traffic ticket - this was a anxiety trauma of proportions that I am not yet ready to discuss. I also took kiddo to clarinet lessons. We had a good long snuggle tonight afterwards which is just what I needed. I was surprised she was still long enough.

So, tomorrow is day 3 of the first week of the 200 squat challenge. Part of me wants to put it on hold until my hemorrhoid problem clears up, in case that is what is aggravating it. However, I feel no symptoms of it when I'm performing said squats and I really do hate to be a quitter. Plus, Mandy would never let me hear the "end" of it. Oh, that reminds me - kiddo decided to showoff yesterday and do 100 squats after hearing us discuss the program. I warned her - quietly, true - to be careful and not overdo it. Yeah, she's hurting today. Thus, the snuggles.

I also got asked to come back to volunteering at the church office after the first of the year, and that is a good thing. I think if I'm required to be "out there" and doing for others, I am less likely to stay home and wallow. I need to be needed, I suppose.

Laying around today, I read David Sedaris' new book. For anybody with an incredibly sick sense of humor, I highly recommend it. It's called Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk and it's a series of twisted animal stories. If you're a normal person, you probably wouldn't like it. But then, you probably would like me anyway so why are you even reading this? Shah!

Enough already!

For the last month my weight has been dancing around the same old boring numbers on the scale.  I've been exercising daily during the week but slacking off on weekends. I've been making poor food choices and not having my "head in the game" 100% of the time. Although I'm getting stronger and working on my health in a lot of other ways, I've got to get back on the road to a healthy BMI.

Focus, Lanie, FOCUS!

Dear Thursday

Where the HELL did you go?

I know you were probably there with me the whole time but I barely noticed you. I spent most of my morning in the midst of a doctor-induced panic attack and by the time we were done with Kids For Peace and Sweetie taking me out for an early birthday dinner at Red Lobster (mmmm. . .. biscuit), before I knew it you were gone.

I'm sorry I missed you, but I'll see you again next week.  Friday is here and has not been kind to me so far. I'm thinking about ignoring it and pretending it never happened.

quick morning post hot 100 & blowing it

No, RNTG, not that kind of blowing it.

I had a slight weight gain this week. two-point-something, i haven't time to look and do the math. Lots of muscle building this week and some NSVs which I will hopefully post later.  It could also be the gimongous ball of snot that is resting somewhere between my sinuses and my throat. Feels like it weighs 40 lbs.  If today wasn't my final training with Tom, I'd go back to bed. I'm gonna go breathe on her and lick her water bottle when she's not paying attention.

Bedtime, not so good - There's been a lot of reading to do on blogger lately.

Fruit - about average

Hubby - mentioned "crash diet" this week and I asked him not to be a bad influence on our impressionable tween

Time to prop up these sinuses and go lift some weights. 3 reps of 12. Only thing I want to lift is blankets over my head.

Hot 100 Update: embrace failure

I'm not really embracing it, but besides my outstanding job on fruit  lately, I've not been doing well on my Hot 100 goals. I am so sleepy all the time that I'm usually in bed by 10 pm anyway but if i nap too much during the day I am up reading until midnight. I've been playing  around. Exercising - bah! eating when I'm not hungry, YOU BET!  playing around losing and gaining the same five pounds? Great fun! Bloggin 2x daily? I missed a whole day and nobody noticed so why bother? Chores? whatev.  The good news is I have a Dr. appointment first thing Monday morning and that'll prolly get me going. I HAVE made some progress since I saw her 2 months ago. . . I think. And I'll ask her all about what kinds of supplements she recommends to make sure they don't interact with anything i'm already taking.

Nothing really pushed me into this rut and I'll find my way out soon enough. The only explanation I have is that I was really REALLY close to weighing less than Sweetie. When I can truck along fine for a long while but when I notice I'm close to a goal, and especially if I say it to anybody out loud - then it's like the expectation is there that I will meet it quickly and my inner child or whoever rebels against it. Every time I think I have it figured out, then I just stop caring.  I haven't even been reading blogs much. had a great book to read, though.  I'll have a review for that prolly later.  I haven't even updated my Shelfari yet. I think I need to reread Women Food and God!

And so there ya have it. I'm all "why bother?" right now. Eating for fun, sleeping even more, exercising hardly at all . ..  but I am still weighing in every morning which is the only thing that's kept me within that 5 lb range - I'm sure of it.

Update on challenges

Well, at least I'm doing a good job posting 2x daily for my Hot 100 Goals.

Other than that, this hasn't been a very successful week. Slight weight gain actually, but less than 2 lbs so I'm not worried about it, it will go back down as I continue to work. Could be partially hormonal as I gear up for the next love fest with AF, or it could be that I have approximately 8 lbs of mucous in my head this morning. Ugh.  I see lots of water in my near future, and lots of walking. And I better be seeing lots of fruit as well!

Ouch

Well, I did some purposeful exercise. I walked about a measly little half mile with Kiddo using the Wii and the Walk It Out game. It was fun, but my back is sore and crampy now. Whatever was wrong with my digestive system was MEAN and I'm glad it's over. I didn't realize it had taken quite so much out of me.

So, tomorrow I'll do a little bit more, and more the day after that, until I can actually stand upright and move for more than 40 minutes at a time. For now, it's knitting and reading until bedtime while hub and kid watch some Scooby Do thing they've been looking forward to. Ok, she's been looking forward to and he's gotten talked into watching with her.

Laundry will be caught up after this load. Kitchen could use some work.  It'll still be there in the morning. At least the sink is shiny and the dishwasher is doing it's work!

A little fun

Since Allan brought some traffic my way this morning, I will share some with him.  I feel almost famous today! Please check out his latest blog post here.

Here was my response to him which will probably be posted momentarily if he approves . . .

I knew you couldn't follow directions. You totally skipped the "not me" part. lol I totally expected that!







I criticized you on your own blog, actually, but you chose not to publish those posts. Just as you are likely not to post this or any other posts supporting me. I have a general policy not to say things behind people's backs that I wouldn't tell them to their face. Any criticism I have made of you wasn't about your diet but about the way you sometimes present yourself - or presented before the new nicer Al came along.






I'm human. I have good days and bad. I share them. I have been tempted not to post my setbacks mainly because I know you love to point out such things and twist it into somebody being a hypocrite because they're struggling.






As far as following diet "quacks", I read read read whatever I can get my hands on and analyze to determine what I can learn from the material. Richard Simmons, Geneen Roth, Thich Nhat Hanh, and others I read do not profess to be medical experts. They simply share what works for them in hopes that it will help others. The only difference between them and you is that they get paid for it. That doesn't make them quacks. A quack is somebody that professes to have medical knowledge when they don't.






Of COURSE you love me. I am quite lovable and capable and, as you will see, I am going to be healthier than ever. Maybe not as quickly as you are, but in my own way I will succeed.
 
 
Oh yeah, then I went back to post again that I have been born and raised in the USA. I have never even been to Canada even though it's less than 2 hours from me. I'm not sure how Allan figured I'm from Oz since I'm always saying that my life dream is to go there.  Ah well, he is obviously still getting to know me.

It's not a setback, it's a learning experience.

And what I've learned this week is that letting down my guard even a little, will gain me nothing except pounds. 5 of them to be exact, but that was before I stayed up late and exercised last night. So, I'm back to being diligent about food and exercise.

Thanks everyone for your support over these few days. It really struck me when I went back up over that "morbidly obese" BMI yesterday. That was really discouraging! But, I took all your advice, meditated, got some good positive self-talk going, ignored the negative voices telling me that I was a complete fraud and had no business blogging and encouraging others when I couldn't even get my own act together and keep it together.

And then I realized - why should I hold myself to higher standards than I hold others? What would I tell somebody else if it were them experiencing a setback? I would tell them - learn from this experience, to consider it simply a speed bump in the journey, drink water, exercise, breathe . . . even when you find yourself losing a battle, know that you will win the war.