But I'll make up for that with a long meandering post today.
Pretty much still off track health-wise.
I get easily overwhelmed by life, as we've all witnessed. Today I accomplished a few tasks that I'd been avoiding and I"m glad they're completed.
Weather has really sucked - lots of snow days- a cancelled Chicago trip, lots of quality time with my wonderful Kiddo.
I'm so proud of her. She has somehow come through with a good heart. With all her snow days, and some kind donations from Auntie Mandy and others, she is making cat toys to be sold at our local no-kill shelter. Proceeds will go to help take care of the kitties until they find their furever homes. She also has a goal of donating $100 cash personally this year AND having all of her bday gifts be supplies for them (she also did this 2 years ago). So I am swollen with pride as well as paczki!
Let me know if you know anybody looking to buy a condo near Univ. of Chicago, it goes on the market tomorrow. We'll be sad to see it go in some ways . . . intended to hold onto it a few more years, but the cash will be nice and allow us to do some of the things we are dreaming of - even if one of them isn't making a profit on IL real estate. The Toledo house is still off the market, looks like Mr & Mrs Sweetie Sr. will be staying there during the warm months and heading to FL with the birds. I am hoping we will get Sweetie to go with us on a trip to FL to see his bro's family some time since there will be another "home away from home" there. So, lots of real estate stuff happenin. Fun times. Stressful times. Completely overwhelming and unfocused times.
Today I went to BMV, 2 post offices, and 2 Clerks of Courts for some errands. Have I ever mentioned how much I avoid things? Anyway, I did all that and finally we can list that condo and I have sent the title to my old jalopy to Volunteers of America. I hope they find good use for it.
I finished reading "Chocolate and Vicodin" by Jennette Fulda and I really enjoyed it. Reading her books makes you feel like you are friends. She has a very personal way of drawing you in. I'm so glad that her aunt Nettie attends my church and introduced me to her books and website pastaqueen.com!
Showing posts with label avoidance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label avoidance. Show all posts
28 February 2011
12 November 2010
Hot 100 Update: embrace failure
I'm not really embracing it, but besides my outstanding job on fruit lately, I've not been doing well on my Hot 100 goals. I am so sleepy all the time that I'm usually in bed by 10 pm anyway but if i nap too much during the day I am up reading until midnight. I've been playing around. Exercising - bah! eating when I'm not hungry, YOU BET! playing around losing and gaining the same five pounds? Great fun! Bloggin 2x daily? I missed a whole day and nobody noticed so why bother? Chores? whatev. The good news is I have a Dr. appointment first thing Monday morning and that'll prolly get me going. I HAVE made some progress since I saw her 2 months ago. . . I think. And I'll ask her all about what kinds of supplements she recommends to make sure they don't interact with anything i'm already taking.
Nothing really pushed me into this rut and I'll find my way out soon enough. The only explanation I have is that I was really REALLY close to weighing less than Sweetie. When I can truck along fine for a long while but when I notice I'm close to a goal, and especially if I say it to anybody out loud - then it's like the expectation is there that I will meet it quickly and my inner child or whoever rebels against it. Every time I think I have it figured out, then I just stop caring. I haven't even been reading blogs much. had a great book to read, though. I'll have a review for that prolly later. I haven't even updated my Shelfari yet. I think I need to reread Women Food and God!
And so there ya have it. I'm all "why bother?" right now. Eating for fun, sleeping even more, exercising hardly at all . .. but I am still weighing in every morning which is the only thing that's kept me within that 5 lb range - I'm sure of it.
Nothing really pushed me into this rut and I'll find my way out soon enough. The only explanation I have is that I was really REALLY close to weighing less than Sweetie. When I can truck along fine for a long while but when I notice I'm close to a goal, and especially if I say it to anybody out loud - then it's like the expectation is there that I will meet it quickly and my inner child or whoever rebels against it. Every time I think I have it figured out, then I just stop caring. I haven't even been reading blogs much. had a great book to read, though. I'll have a review for that prolly later. I haven't even updated my Shelfari yet. I think I need to reread Women Food and God!
And so there ya have it. I'm all "why bother?" right now. Eating for fun, sleeping even more, exercising hardly at all . .. but I am still weighing in every morning which is the only thing that's kept me within that 5 lb range - I'm sure of it.
27 October 2010
Avoidance part 3,321
The real reason I didn't want to go to counselling today? Well, I knew I really should call my insurance company and make sure said counsellor is on our new insurance plan but I hadn't. This counselor is someone we'd seen before as a couple so I didn't really take that into consideration when I made the first appointment. But the office administrator gave me all kinds of grief when I gave her the new insurance card last time because I hadn't called ahead and gotten the pre-cert.
So today an hour before my appointment, I decided I'd stop avoiding the damn phone call and find out if he's covered. I had a nice little chat with a girl in the dental coverage department first. Duh. Then, finally - the mental health section. According to the insurance CSR, he's not on their plan. So, 40 minutes before the appointment I call to cancel and the office admin AGAIN gives me grief. No wonder I don't like people.
Based on the fact that I'd never see this person again, I felt free to point out to her that the clients she works are experiencing a lot of stress in their lives and it would be appreciated if she could treat them with a tad bit of compassion instead of criticism or treating them as a child. Then I kindly reminded her that she had said after my previous visit that she would call them herself since I couldn't get through the first time. She reminded me that it was MY responsibility and then I reminded HER that she needn't speak to me as if I'm a child and that she doesn't know quite how mentally unhealthy some of the clients there might be so she should take that into consideration before being so rude. I further decided to let her know that even if I did have coverage for that office I wasn't sure I'd be returning anyway because the stress that I'm put through by the office personnel was undoing any good that the counsellor was doing and that I would write the Dr. in charge of the practice to let him know my opinion on the matter.
She then became quite friendly and found a way to bill the insurance so that the coverage would work for me, wasn't that nice? We rescheduled for Thursday of next week. I bet she thinks I'll forget by then.
There better not be a no-show for today, but if there is, I'll probably just pay it to make it go away. Unless I'm pissy again. Oh, lucky her. Aunt Flo should be arriving just about then.
So today an hour before my appointment, I decided I'd stop avoiding the damn phone call and find out if he's covered. I had a nice little chat with a girl in the dental coverage department first. Duh. Then, finally - the mental health section. According to the insurance CSR, he's not on their plan. So, 40 minutes before the appointment I call to cancel and the office admin AGAIN gives me grief. No wonder I don't like people.
Based on the fact that I'd never see this person again, I felt free to point out to her that the clients she works are experiencing a lot of stress in their lives and it would be appreciated if she could treat them with a tad bit of compassion instead of criticism or treating them as a child. Then I kindly reminded her that she had said after my previous visit that she would call them herself since I couldn't get through the first time. She reminded me that it was MY responsibility and then I reminded HER that she needn't speak to me as if I'm a child and that she doesn't know quite how mentally unhealthy some of the clients there might be so she should take that into consideration before being so rude. I further decided to let her know that even if I did have coverage for that office I wasn't sure I'd be returning anyway because the stress that I'm put through by the office personnel was undoing any good that the counsellor was doing and that I would write the Dr. in charge of the practice to let him know my opinion on the matter.
She then became quite friendly and found a way to bill the insurance so that the coverage would work for me, wasn't that nice? We rescheduled for Thursday of next week. I bet she thinks I'll forget by then.
There better not be a no-show for today, but if there is, I'll probably just pay it to make it go away. Unless I'm pissy again. Oh, lucky her. Aunt Flo should be arriving just about then.
25 October 2010
Avoidance part 742: avoiding Halloween candy
So our friend over at Scale Junkie (see sidebar) today asks how we're going to control ourselves around the Halloween candy that's bound to infiltrate our homes this weekend. Do you have any strategies?
Our main strategy here is to not purchase any candy ourselves. We were all set up for trick-or-treaters last year and not one showed. Hubby sat outside on the porch for a long time. None came.
Last year I walked kiddo around our "hood" begging for sweets, but we found very few. In the past this had been a good way to meet neighbors, but to this date we don't know anyone excpt one.
Anyhoodle, I'll take her to my cousin's "hood" and we'll walk around over there, I think this year. Have to clear it with him. She's not much of a candy hound, but whatever she gets I should be able to ignore or get rid of at the church. I'm actually not too worried about it. Maybe I should be, but I'm not.
Our main strategy here is to not purchase any candy ourselves. We were all set up for trick-or-treaters last year and not one showed. Hubby sat outside on the porch for a long time. None came.
Last year I walked kiddo around our "hood" begging for sweets, but we found very few. In the past this had been a good way to meet neighbors, but to this date we don't know anyone excpt one.
Anyhoodle, I'll take her to my cousin's "hood" and we'll walk around over there, I think this year. Have to clear it with him. She's not much of a candy hound, but whatever she gets I should be able to ignore or get rid of at the church. I'm actually not too worried about it. Maybe I should be, but I'm not.
23 October 2010
Not getting anything accomplished
Here it is closing in on noon and I haven't accomplished much in the way of getting ready for my company today. So what do I do? I AVOID it by getting on and reading through blogs. So, this is a short post just to acknowledge the avoidance and go back to putting my kitchen and family room (at least) in order before we go to the fall festival.
20 October 2010
What the hell is wrong with me?
Does anybody else have this strange aversion to going to the post office?
I almost danced a jig when I realized I could order flat-rate boxes to be delivered to my home - for FREE - and then print out my own postage. Ok, ok . . . .I know that's been an option for a long time but I never really thought about how that applied to ME! I never ever have to go to the post office again! Or at least not inside of it. I cannot explain why, but I just ehat that place!
I almost danced a jig when I realized I could order flat-rate boxes to be delivered to my home - for FREE - and then print out my own postage. Ok, ok . . . .I know that's been an option for a long time but I never really thought about how that applied to ME! I never ever have to go to the post office again! Or at least not inside of it. I cannot explain why, but I just ehat that place!
13 October 2010
wrong side of the bed
Woke up with a sense of dread. Today's the counselling appointment. I'm not looking forward to it. I don't want to be alone with this guy picking through my brain. I don't want to do the hard stuff. I want to avoid, avoid, avoid!
But, I'll go. I'll do it. It needs to be done. It won't kill me. I'll survive.
But still, I don't wanna.
But, I'll go. I'll do it. It needs to be done. It won't kill me. I'll survive.
But still, I don't wanna.
11 October 2010
06 October 2010
Avoidance, part 427
I've had the new car for about 2 weeks. I knew I was taking it to Chicago soon. I wanted to use our EZ Pass for on the turnpike/tollways. It's been on my list to actually update the account to add the car. Guess what I did? I AVOIDED doing it. It's a gov't agency, it's going to be complicated. I don't know if I remember my password. It's a pain in the ass. I wish somebody would just do it for me. What a hassle. It shouldn't be so complicated but I know it will be. God, I hope I don't mess it up and then end up having to call and speak to an actual human being. We don't even have a real license plate yet, maybe they won't let me do it with a 30 day tag.
I did forget my password, but it didn't lock me out. I figured it out. It took me two minutes. Geesh. Would somebody please tell the annoying voice in my head to STFU?
I did forget my password, but it didn't lock me out. I figured it out. It took me two minutes. Geesh. Would somebody please tell the annoying voice in my head to STFU?
04 October 2010
FLYing away
I've decided I can no longer handle the lack of organization, the clutter, and the mess of the place that is supposed to be my "home." I've tried FLYlady.net before and I've finally talked myself into signing up again.
A few weeks ago a bunch of boxes came out of storage and to my horror - ended up in my living room. The LR was my almost-finished sanctuary. I chose the colors, the carpet, the furniture, the art. I felt calm there and could even use the double doors to shut out the rest of the CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) if I had a guest over. Ever since those damn boxes showed up I've been pissed and even downright depressed. The house has gone to total HELL now. Every last inch of it and I have given up. It's completely overwhelming. And then I get these little errands to do outside of the house that irritate me and on top of ThAT, I have to sit and wait for the freakin' Culligan Man. Hmmm. . .maybe I should shout for him like on the old commercials?
I haven't even taken my shower yet because of the CHAOS of my schedule, of my house, and my mind. It's SO stupid! Why don't I "JUST DO IT" as the Nike ads say? Well, because the anxiety is so damn high and I'm so overwhelmed that I feel completely POWERLESS, the same way I have always (up until recently) felt about food. Yesterday we had a sermon at church about letting the light of our own POWER shine through. Power is one of the many things that I feel I have gained through the last few months, something that was taken away at a very young age. Like muscles, the more you exercise your power, the stronger and bigger it becomes.
I've already talked about AVOIDANCE being my worst habit and now I intend to stop it. I know I can't fix it all in a day, and I know that it's probably too much for me to do all by myself. There will be setbacks. I need to learn from those just as I do when the scale jumps up a notch (not that it ever happens that way) or when I forget to pay a bill. Does this all stem from anxiety? From laziness? From poor upbringing? Maybe it's a combination of all three. Sloth cannot be over estimated. Now, I'm taking THIS by storm and joining FLYlady.net. I am wearing my shoes that tie, my sink is shiny, and I'm ready to roll. Anybody wanna come along?
My first task is to clean the clutter off the kitchen table and set it for dinner. But, I might make the bed first. Haven't done that for a while and I'm right near it.
A few weeks ago a bunch of boxes came out of storage and to my horror - ended up in my living room. The LR was my almost-finished sanctuary. I chose the colors, the carpet, the furniture, the art. I felt calm there and could even use the double doors to shut out the rest of the CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) if I had a guest over. Ever since those damn boxes showed up I've been pissed and even downright depressed. The house has gone to total HELL now. Every last inch of it and I have given up. It's completely overwhelming. And then I get these little errands to do outside of the house that irritate me and on top of ThAT, I have to sit and wait for the freakin' Culligan Man. Hmmm. . .maybe I should shout for him like on the old commercials?
I haven't even taken my shower yet because of the CHAOS of my schedule, of my house, and my mind. It's SO stupid! Why don't I "JUST DO IT" as the Nike ads say? Well, because the anxiety is so damn high and I'm so overwhelmed that I feel completely POWERLESS, the same way I have always (up until recently) felt about food. Yesterday we had a sermon at church about letting the light of our own POWER shine through. Power is one of the many things that I feel I have gained through the last few months, something that was taken away at a very young age. Like muscles, the more you exercise your power, the stronger and bigger it becomes.
I've already talked about AVOIDANCE being my worst habit and now I intend to stop it. I know I can't fix it all in a day, and I know that it's probably too much for me to do all by myself. There will be setbacks. I need to learn from those just as I do when the scale jumps up a notch (not that it ever happens that way) or when I forget to pay a bill. Does this all stem from anxiety? From laziness? From poor upbringing? Maybe it's a combination of all three. Sloth cannot be over estimated. Now, I'm taking THIS by storm and joining FLYlady.net. I am wearing my shoes that tie, my sink is shiny, and I'm ready to roll. Anybody wanna come along?
My first task is to clean the clutter off the kitchen table and set it for dinner. But, I might make the bed first. Haven't done that for a while and I'm right near it.
11 September 2010
Avoidance
I plead guilty. I've got some feelings that have been avoided for 9 years and I need to stop avoiding them and deal with them. Could be a rough weekend. The plan is to let myself experience them honestly, work through them, and move on. It's been a long time coming.
I was sitting on the love seat in our trailer, nursing the baby I didn't want, trying not to hate her. I trust you can all tell by now that I'm already over the hate part. It may come to a complete shock to those of you who know us IRL these days. As per usual at that time of day, the TV was on and tuned to the Early Show on CBS. I was looking forward to seeing the "dreams come true" segment they had been promising. And then, it happened.
What the hell? How could a big giant airplane plow into a building like that? Who could make that kind of mistake? Big planes like that shouldn't even come near skyscrapers! Is the pilot on drugs?
Fuck. Another plane hit the neighboring building. This can't be an accident. This is war. How can we be at war? I live in the USA. I'm safe, right? The government protects us. They wouldn't let t his happen to us. It's too much. Too scary. It can't be real.
People jumping off of roofs, buildings crumbling, area being evacuated, panic panic panicpanicpanic.
I'm sorry baby. I'm sorry. so sorry. You didn't deserve to be brought into this hellish world. How could I do this to you? I didn't want this. I didn't do it on purpose. It's not fair to bring innocent babies into this nightmare. I'm sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry . . .
Rocking, crying. Baby is one week old. She has no idea what mom's babbling on about. Sorry, sorry, sorry sorry sorrysorrysorrysosorrysosorrysosorry . . .
My mother is staying with us to "help" with the new baby. Apparently this consists of holding her while she is happy. I am getting no sleep, fearing that child services will take my baby, hoping they will, very delusional with post partum insanity. Sorry. so sorrysosorry. Vulnerability the likes of which I've never experienced before. I've been violated personally, abused, manipulated my whole life. I have no coping strategies for the vulnerability of my country.
I call husband. Sister calls. I call Mandy or she calls me. I don't remember which. She snaps me out of it. I stop thinking about killing myself to avoid being killed. We'll see what happens. . If I end my life now, there's no going back.
In the weeks to come, I send granmda home, take care of the baby as best I can, still resenting her for my lost sleep, my lost dreams, my lost life. I can always ride it out and off myself later. I find I can make and eat an entire batch of brownies while husband is at work, and clean up so he never knows. Not pregnant anymore, so I don't have to follow the stinkin diabetic diet. A few weeks later Mandy comes to visit with her toddler and her new baby. We have a great time. First fun I've had in months. We pig out on Hostess cakes from a nearby outlet.
That night, I'm in the ER, then sent home. Then back in the hospital. Happy Halloween, now I know what fear is. Gangrenous abdomen. Pain unlike anything I've ever imagined. This is as close to death as I'm going to get. They remove my appendix, syphon out the poisonous infection, and keep me for a week. Finally, I'm inconsolable and need to be home with my baby. After a week of pumping and dumping milk, I go back to struggling to breastfeed. I do this through end of November. My birthday present to me and bonus gift for my baby, is we buy formula. We are now in love, sleeping through the night, and playing normally.
Anxiety continues until medication evens me out months and months later.
I may not be a doctor, but I know what fear is.
Where were you on Sept 11, 2001?
I was sitting on the love seat in our trailer, nursing the baby I didn't want, trying not to hate her. I trust you can all tell by now that I'm already over the hate part. It may come to a complete shock to those of you who know us IRL these days. As per usual at that time of day, the TV was on and tuned to the Early Show on CBS. I was looking forward to seeing the "dreams come true" segment they had been promising. And then, it happened.
What the hell? How could a big giant airplane plow into a building like that? Who could make that kind of mistake? Big planes like that shouldn't even come near skyscrapers! Is the pilot on drugs?
Fuck. Another plane hit the neighboring building. This can't be an accident. This is war. How can we be at war? I live in the USA. I'm safe, right? The government protects us. They wouldn't let t his happen to us. It's too much. Too scary. It can't be real.
People jumping off of roofs, buildings crumbling, area being evacuated, panic panic panicpanicpanic.
I'm sorry baby. I'm sorry. so sorry. You didn't deserve to be brought into this hellish world. How could I do this to you? I didn't want this. I didn't do it on purpose. It's not fair to bring innocent babies into this nightmare. I'm sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry . . .
Rocking, crying. Baby is one week old. She has no idea what mom's babbling on about. Sorry, sorry, sorry sorry sorrysorrysorrysosorrysosorrysosorry . . .
My mother is staying with us to "help" with the new baby. Apparently this consists of holding her while she is happy. I am getting no sleep, fearing that child services will take my baby, hoping they will, very delusional with post partum insanity. Sorry. so sorrysosorry. Vulnerability the likes of which I've never experienced before. I've been violated personally, abused, manipulated my whole life. I have no coping strategies for the vulnerability of my country.
I call husband. Sister calls. I call Mandy or she calls me. I don't remember which. She snaps me out of it. I stop thinking about killing myself to avoid being killed. We'll see what happens. . If I end my life now, there's no going back.
In the weeks to come, I send granmda home, take care of the baby as best I can, still resenting her for my lost sleep, my lost dreams, my lost life. I can always ride it out and off myself later. I find I can make and eat an entire batch of brownies while husband is at work, and clean up so he never knows. Not pregnant anymore, so I don't have to follow the stinkin diabetic diet. A few weeks later Mandy comes to visit with her toddler and her new baby. We have a great time. First fun I've had in months. We pig out on Hostess cakes from a nearby outlet.
That night, I'm in the ER, then sent home. Then back in the hospital. Happy Halloween, now I know what fear is. Gangrenous abdomen. Pain unlike anything I've ever imagined. This is as close to death as I'm going to get. They remove my appendix, syphon out the poisonous infection, and keep me for a week. Finally, I'm inconsolable and need to be home with my baby. After a week of pumping and dumping milk, I go back to struggling to breastfeed. I do this through end of November. My birthday present to me and bonus gift for my baby, is we buy formula. We are now in love, sleeping through the night, and playing normally.
Anxiety continues until medication evens me out months and months later.
I may not be a doctor, but I know what fear is.
Where were you on Sept 11, 2001?
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