11 September 2010


I plead guilty.  I've got some feelings that have been avoided for 9 years and I need to stop avoiding them and deal with them. Could be a rough weekend. The plan is to let myself experience them honestly, work through them, and move on. It's been a long time coming.

I was sitting on the love seat in our trailer, nursing the baby I didn't want, trying not to hate her. I trust you can all tell by now that I'm already over the hate part. It may come to a complete shock to those of you who know us IRL these days. As per usual at that time of day, the TV was on and tuned to the Early Show on CBS. I was looking forward to seeing the "dreams come true" segment they had been promising.  And then, it happened.

What the hell? How could a big giant airplane plow into a building like that?  Who could make that kind of mistake? Big planes like that shouldn't even come near skyscrapers! Is the pilot on drugs?

Fuck. Another plane hit the neighboring building. This can't be an accident. This is war. How can we be at war? I live in the USA. I'm safe, right? The government protects us. They wouldn't let t his happen to us. It's too much. Too scary. It can't be real. 

People jumping off of roofs, buildings crumbling, area being evacuated, panic panic panicpanicpanic.

I'm sorry baby. I'm sorry. so sorry. You didn't deserve to be brought into this hellish world. How could I do this to you? I didn't want this. I didn't do it on purpose. It's not fair to bring innocent babies into this nightmare. I'm sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry . . .
Rocking, crying. Baby is one week old. She has no idea what mom's babbling on about. Sorry, sorry, sorry sorry sorrysorrysorrysosorrysosorrysosorry .  . .

My mother is staying with us to "help" with the new baby. Apparently this consists of holding her while she is happy. I am getting no sleep, fearing that child services will take my baby, hoping they will, very delusional with post partum insanity. Sorry. so sorrysosorry. Vulnerability the likes of which I've never experienced before. I've been violated personally, abused, manipulated my whole life. I have no coping strategies for the vulnerability of my country.

I call husband. Sister calls. I call Mandy or she calls me. I don't remember which. She snaps me out of it. I stop thinking about killing myself to avoid being killed. We'll see what happens. . If I end my life now, there's no going back.

In the weeks to come, I send granmda home, take care of the baby as best I can, still resenting her for my lost sleep, my lost dreams, my lost life. I can always ride it out and off myself later. I find I can make and eat an entire batch of brownies while husband is at work, and clean up so he never knows. Not pregnant anymore, so I don't have to follow the stinkin diabetic diet. A few weeks later Mandy comes to visit with her toddler and her new baby. We have a great time. First fun I've had in months. We pig out on Hostess cakes from a nearby outlet. 

That night, I'm in the ER, then sent home. Then back in the hospital. Happy Halloween, now I know what fear is. Gangrenous abdomen. Pain unlike anything I've ever imagined. This is as close to death as I'm going to get. They remove my appendix, syphon out the poisonous infection, and keep me for a week. Finally, I'm inconsolable and need to be home with my baby. After a week of pumping and dumping milk, I go back to struggling to breastfeed. I do this through end of November. My birthday present to me and bonus gift for my baby, is we buy formula. We are now in love, sleeping through the night, and playing normally.

Anxiety continues until medication evens me out months and months later.

I may not be a doctor, but I know what fear is.

Where were you on Sept 11, 2001?


  1. I was on a field trip with my son's class. I heard the first little bits on the radio driving to his school. When everyone thought it was just a random plane crash. We got called back from the field trip. I went home and sat in front of the TV.

  2. Peculiar how I don't remember snapping you out of it! I do remember your sister's comment that made us both giggle and cry together while holding our babies six hours apart. I hate remembering this day, but it needs to be remembered for what it is...the day a non nation declared war on us.

  3. Lanie, thank you for opening up and sharing a part of yourself today. I know it wasn't easy. {hug}

    Where as I? Had a later shift, so I was at home, listening to the radio, then turned on CNN and watched just in time to see the second one hit.

  4. I was driving to work and heard it on the radio. I remember all the footage, and how I got to feel numb seeing it so much. But now, so many years later, I feel the horror upon viewing the footage that I did when I first saw the collisions.
    And added to that your fear of being a Mom, I can taste your anxiety in that post.

    But I have to ask, without inquiring too personally and digging too much-how is your daughter now?

    Polar's Mom

  5. Polar's mom - Thanks for asking, my daughter is one of the most-loved kids you'll ever find. She just turned 9 and is the youngest in her 4th grade class, just started clarinet lessons, is making new friends at her new school, loves church, scouts, Kids for Peace, and is the best gift I've ever gotten. (Sorry Mandy, you're not #1 this time)

  6. Lanie, my love. I love you. Thank you for such a raw reveal. I was awakened that morning in California by a call from my brother in the Midwest, telling me to turn on the TV because we were at war. I couldn't decipher what he was telling me through my sleepiness, but turned on the TV in time to see the second plane hit and everything that followed. I prayed a lot that day, did a couple radio interviews (I was a spiritual teacher at the time and they were asking my take on the situation from that realm), hosted a very scared friend at my house, and the rest is a blur. May God spare us the danger against ourselves. May God bless YOU for the courage and heart that pours out of you. Much love to you, sister. Becky
    from http://mywalkfromflabtofab.blogspot.com/

  7. Lanie, I feel you...totally and completly - except for the gangrenous abdomen - you poor thing...wow, that's a lot to go through after having a baby.

    September 11th ... I was on my way to work. I was listening to CD's so I hadn't heard the news. I got to work and my husband phoned and told me. My first thought is that I wanted to go home and gather up all my family and tell them I love them and hide together.

    The radio was on at work and we just kept hearing the same headlines over and over again...my stomach was feeling so ill...a lady in our office said, "Can we turn that radio off? It's killing me." I still remember. I still feel. I'm still sad about it.


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