11 September 2010

Woke up hungry

I woke up hungry this morning. Can't eat anything for a while as I have to wait a certain amount of time after the thyroid pill. So, I drank an extra cup of water, and you know what? I'm not hungry any more.  Amazing how that works.  My newest anti-snack tool is an extra cup of water before I allow myself my healthy snack.

Yesterday I walked over two miles around out little suburb. A friend and I started at her house, kept up a good pace, fun conversation, and really a wake up call.  We ended  up at the local "hot spot" of the last few days, before returning to her home.

A big Victorian estate went up in flames the other day. Apparently you could see the smoke all over town. Not sure how I missed it happening, but most likely it was when I was working on one volunteer project or another across the river in da big city.   At any rate, we walked past the  house and saw it's empty shell. Burnt out and empty. Hollow on the inside, charred around the windows, and the roof caved in. Construction workers scurried around trying to make it safe for repairs - putting up scaffolding, taking away large debris, roping it off from us looky-loos to keep everyone at a safe distance.

On a daily basis, the old me, the 286 lb me, felt like that poor old house. Huge. Burnt Out. Hollow. Empty. The world caving in around me. Waiting for somebody to take care of me and fix me. Thankfully I found a person powerful enough to do that and she was right there all along. Me! about 15 lbs later, I started this blog. That's 46 lbs of dead weight that have been shed.

Today I realize that I'm the only one that really ever could heal myself. I'm learning to forgive, to face things instead of avoid them, to experience and explore all of my emotions without food. I'm learning to read labels, understand what poisons I have been putting into my body and avoid them. I realize now how every choice I make effects my world in very big and very small ways. I realize I can't control other people, only my reactions to them.

I used to wonder when I'd ever feel like a 'grown-up'. Now I realize it was when I started acting like one: taking responsibility for my own actions - all of them, including food and movement. I finally feel a semblance of power over my own life. I hope you are all experiencing the same thing.

Several months ago, I 'woke up' out of my nightmare. I was hungry for change, power, and real life. I started eating better foods, and only what I needed to satisfy my hunger. I no longer ate until I was "full" knowing that exceeding the limits of my stomach capacity was leaving me with an empty life. Yes, I eat mindfully now, and I do so at the kitchen table. In full view of my family and anybody who walks by. I don't eat and hide, eat and watch tv, eat and blog. When I eat, I eat. No distractions. I pay attention to my food and the pleasure it brings me. I leave the table satisfied, not bloated. I choose foods that will fuel me not fool me into thinking I feel better.  I move purposefully every day. Movement for the sake of movement, I mean. As long as I move, the scale goes down, my mood goes up, and negativity doesn't get me down.


  1. This is a lovely post, and I think that it shows a big part of what many of us need to do to heal ourselves and our relationship with food and to learn to nurture and respect ourselves, both body and soul.

    It is interesting that you talk about "being a grown-up". I think living in a commercial world which is interested in selling us stuff makes us think that "grown-up" isn't about who we are but what we have and look like. It's about having a car, money, a job, etc. But it's really not that at all. It's about being the master of yourself, and the power to grow in the directions you want to grow.

  2. Good job lanie! Though I don't know you I wish I. Could give you a hug.

  3. Have I mentioned lately that I love you? Cuz I do!

  4. That last paragraph says it all. Good for you:)

  5. "Foods that will fuel me not fool me." Love it!

  6. I love that too...foods that will fuel me, not fool me. Note to self...add to my blog. You are doing great Lanie...helping yourself heal yourself...who better to do it?

  7. I want to frame that last paragraph. Or at least print it out and have it handy.

    When I'm doing what I know to do, that is exactly how I feel. And when I don't? I miss how I feel when I do.


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