I woke up hungry this morning. Can't eat anything for a while as I have to wait a certain amount of time after the thyroid pill. So, I drank an extra cup of water, and you know what? I'm not hungry any more. Amazing how that works. My newest anti-snack tool is an extra cup of water before I allow myself my healthy snack.
Yesterday I walked over two miles around out little suburb. A friend and I started at her house, kept up a good pace, fun conversation, and really a wake up call. We ended up at the local "hot spot" of the last few days, before returning to her home.
A big Victorian estate went up in flames the other day. Apparently you could see the smoke all over town. Not sure how I missed it happening, but most likely it was when I was working on one volunteer project or another across the river in da big city. At any rate, we walked past the house and saw it's empty shell. Burnt out and empty. Hollow on the inside, charred around the windows, and the roof caved in. Construction workers scurried around trying to make it safe for repairs - putting up scaffolding, taking away large debris, roping it off from us looky-loos to keep everyone at a safe distance.
On a daily basis, the old me, the 286 lb me, felt like that poor old house. Huge. Burnt Out. Hollow. Empty. The world caving in around me. Waiting for somebody to take care of me and fix me. Thankfully I found a person powerful enough to do that and she was right there all along. Me! about 15 lbs later, I started this blog. That's 46 lbs of dead weight that have been shed.
Today I realize that I'm the only one that really ever could heal myself. I'm learning to forgive, to face things instead of avoid them, to experience and explore all of my emotions without food. I'm learning to read labels, understand what poisons I have been putting into my body and avoid them. I realize now how every choice I make effects my world in very big and very small ways. I realize I can't control other people, only my reactions to them.
I used to wonder when I'd ever feel like a 'grown-up'. Now I realize it was when I started acting like one: taking responsibility for my own actions - all of them, including food and movement. I finally feel a semblance of power over my own life. I hope you are all experiencing the same thing.
Several months ago, I 'woke up' out of my nightmare. I was hungry for change, power, and real life. I started eating better foods, and only what I needed to satisfy my hunger. I no longer ate until I was "full" knowing that exceeding the limits of my stomach capacity was leaving me with an empty life. Yes, I eat mindfully now, and I do so at the kitchen table. In full view of my family and anybody who walks by. I don't eat and hide, eat and watch tv, eat and blog. When I eat, I eat. No distractions. I pay attention to my food and the pleasure it brings me. I leave the table satisfied, not bloated. I choose foods that will fuel me not fool me into thinking I feel better. I move purposefully every day. Movement for the sake of movement, I mean. As long as I move, the scale goes down, my mood goes up, and negativity doesn't get me down.