Progress not Perfection, Using Powers for GOOD instead of EVIL

Earlier this week, I read on some wonderful blog about looking for "Progress not Perfection." I intended to save the spot so that I could refer back to it when I had the time to write out my blog post. But, I've lost track of it. (Please let me know if it was you so I can link back to you!)

At any rate, one of the reasons I shy away from setting goals is because I (now, IRL friends will laugh) have some perfectionistic ideals. It's TRUE Mandy, sh'up.  However, I rarely have the motivation to meet said ideals so I often end up disappointed in myself. Working with intuitive eating, however, allows me to track progress without setting myself up to miss perfection.  As long as the scale is trending downward, then I'm glad. It's not a race. It doesn't matter if people are doing better than me or worse than me - in fact there is no 'better' or 'worse' there is only different. I need to be able to be supportive of others w/o comparing myself to them. I think I was doing pretty well on that until BFF started enjoying her workouts and then go way ahead of me on Walk It Out.  Bitch can't let me win at anything.

Just now I read on Dr. Fatty's blog something that got me thinking. Here is some of my response to her. It's a good question that you pose, though, and it really got me thinking! I don't have a lot of positive food memories. My mom isn't a good cook (really - who can ruin Kraft Mac & Cheese or mached potatoes?), and mealtimes were always stressful because I was a picky eater and would rather not be around the table with my scary family. Even on the rare occasion that we went to a restaurant I'd be completely stressed out and anxious because if I didn't like what I ordered, i would be in trouble for wasting money.


Now that I've thought that out, it makes sense that I can't handle strict retrictions on my food intake. Discovering how to eat and enjoy food was a great power-up for me as a young adult. Now I need to use that power for good instead of evil! Thanks for making me think that out!

So, it's back to using my powers for good instead of evil. I can stop choosing junkfood and start choosing life. Who's with me?

Ready. Set. GO.

A look back at being 40

It really wasn't so bad. I have made great strides towards health, met new friends, learned a lot, and gotten a little more control over my anxiety. Today is my last day as a 40 year old and I'm ending it 50+ lbs lighter than it started, I have more stamina, strength of body, and peace of mind.

I have a slight caffiene hangover which will be quenched by Tylenol in no time.

Anxiety's getting me because Sweetie and Kiddo went to the mall and haven't returned yet. We are to leave here in 20 minutes and apparently he can't hear his cell phone in the crowded mall. Kiddo has never seen the chaos that is a pre-Christmas shopping mall on the weekend. Yes, I took my meds last night. I hope they will call or show up at home soon. It's really no big deal if we are late. I already texted sister to let her know. Anxiety sucks. Must reach for that peace of mind I was blabbering about a moment ago.

So far today

So far today I have already had my usual 300 calorie breakfast, weighed in on the Wii Fit which continues it's downward trend on the weight chart, and jogged the "lap" trail on Basic Run.

FLYlady is not a high priority this week. I've been reading the emails but after being sick last week, I really want to work on exercise and regaining the stamina that I lost there. In the meantime, I'm picking up and trying to make the house a LITTLE nicer every day, but I'm not going full throttle. The kitchen shows already. Still, I gotta keep my health as my #1 priority. I'm closing in on hubby's weight now and he's talked a little about going to a weight loss clinic, but I'm not sure yet how serious he is.

One of my friends who helped motivate me to start on this healthy living lifestyle has recently considered getting a lapband. She went to the introductory meeting last week. She is a cancer survivor and is shying away from any additional surgery, though. She has so much going on in her life with a new job, new marriage, blended family, too-small house, and new state of residence. I'm really missing her and the kids. I wonder what they will end up doing. I worry.

And so I'm rambling. . . .Time to call BFF and then off to the shower. I have lots of errands that need to be done, including purchasing packing tape and mailing some things. Will I get them accomplished today? Let's not count on it. No promises.

Making progress in more ways than one

Ya know, I was afraid of starting FLYlady again because I thought it would detract my attention from my weight loss journey. Maybe it would be too depressing to deal with all the clutter and mess and it I wouldn't be able to handle the emotions. It would push me into old habits of eating despite the lack of hunger, wanting food that isn't healthy, and not exercising. Well, after 24 hours I can say I'm doing pretty well with it. I'm glad I pushed myself to take the risk because it is completely supporting my other goals. It's making me happy. It's not too hard for the most part, and maybe I will be able to have friends over without being embarassed. I'm incorporating a lot of the things I've learned about weight loss, such as stopping the negative self-talk & name-calling, replacing it with positive thoughts and even action. I plan to continue these new healthy trends!

October's monthly challenge is paper clutter. This week's focus is on the kitchen. The first assignment was to set the table. This seemed crazy since it was hours before meal time. Usually getting the table set involves last minute rush, pushing aside mail and newspapers and homework to make space for 3 plates, cups, and utensils. We serve hillbilly style straight from the pan and sometimes buffet style from the stove top. 

Yesterday before noon, however, I started setting the table for dinner. I sorted and cleared all the clutter, and remembered instantly how beautiful our table is. It made me happy to set the table for my family ahead of time and have it nice and ready when kiddo came home from school. Snacking would take place elsewhere after school, and there is an empty seat to use for homework if necessary - at least until the desk is cleared.  When dinner (make your own mini-pizza) came out of the oven, it was so relaxing to have the table already set and ready for us. We had a nice, relaxed dinner without so many distractions.  My apologies for not taking photos of before and after last night. But, this is what the table looked like this morning after everyone was off to school and work!

The table itself looks nice, but showing you the clutter surrounding it makes me feel vulnerable and sad. Notice our maid, "Wanda Dyson" wearing my workout jacket on the right. She just stands there and ignores the work to be done. Hobbes is obviously ap-pawed at the sloppiness.  Look at the stuff just sitting there on the pass-through. Really? How much effort would that really take to tidy up quickly?  The answer: Not much at all!  Here's what it looks like now:

Now you can peak into the family room. I'm glad you can't really see much of it cuz it's pretty messy itself. I've had worse though and I know that I can conquer it when the time comes. At least the fireplace mantle is fairly clear. I've decided I'm not really in love with that painting, though. I've put out the first of my cute little Halloween deco now to serve as somewhat of a center piece. The floor is swept, the cat is gone (that happened automatically when I moved the Dyson) and you can see just a smidge of the lovely view I see when I sit down to eat. Who wouldn't want to sit at that lovely table? And look! It's not even 10 a.m. and it's already set for a lunch for two. Hubby and I will enjoy smoked turkey and swiss sandwiches with all the fixin's when he comes home for lunch in a couple of hours.

Before then, I can exercise, check on today's assignment, and go to Wally to pick up my meds and things I need to take along for my weekend getaway to Chicagoland. I can't wait!

A bit 'o housecleaning

I decided to rearrange things here on my blog today. I still have more that I want to accomplish, but I think I'll wait to add the awards "slide show" another day as I'm a bit weary already. Hopefully things are a little easier to find going forward. Most of the important stuff is still here someplace!

One of the major changes was that I removed the "myfitnesspal" weight loss badge. I really didn't want to do that, but I had made a mistake in the setup and after several attempts of trying to figure out how to fix it, I finally gave up. It wasn't adequately reflecting my weight loss progress because I had entered the wrong "starting weight" to begin with because I was guessing. Well, according to the doctor's office, I guessed too low and I want credit for my hard work. So, if I figure out how to fix it or even redo it from scratch, I will put it back up.  I looked around at some weight loss tickers tonight and although they are cute - they are a bit too cutesy for my liking. Maybe I'll look harder another day when I'm not so grumpy.

Stuff happening tomorrow that I don't want to deal with. Nothing big, just the Culligan people coming to remove the water softener from the basement, and dealing with Ziebart and getting the old car ('96 Monte Carlo) to a mechanic without anybody getting seriously injured.  Little things like this stress me out. Anxiety disorders and panic attacks are stupid and no fun - especially when you've chosen not to eat anymore when they rear their ugly heads.

Tomorrow I'll get up and exercise and take the world by storm! (right?)

What makes me mad - rated PG13

Liars piss me off. Whether the purpose of the lies is self-agrandizement, self-protection, or just ignorance - it is never done with positivity and compassion.

Here is the BS that our good pal Allan is spewing about me today:

"My favorite thing to read is someone like Lanie , who at almost 250 pounds decided she is not obese, and can eat as she wants."

And here is my response which, as usual, will likely not be published over there:

"As much as I adore you, Allan, it really pisses me off when you lie. Especially when you lie about me. What's the purpose of that? To make yourself look smarter than me? To make me seem stupid? That's about as fucking disrespectful as it gets. You're not stretching the truth or exaggerating to make a point here. You are lying."

Before you post shit ALLAN, read a little about what you are talking about, in case someone listens to you. Facts count.  And the facts are that I weighed 289 lbs when I began eating intuitively. And now I weigh 243.8 lbs.  That's a total of nearly 45 lbs, 30+ since I started blogging about it, as my badge here says. I have NEVER said that I am not obese. I am SEVERELY obese which is progress since I started out as MORBIDLY obese. I will be OBESE for a long time to come, but not forever.

I'm not quite sure where our buddy gets his "facts" about Geneen Roth books because they certainly are not from reading her work. He claims he respects people who are losing weight no matter what their path is, but then insults their intelligence whenever they are using something that he himself would not be capable of handling. Yes, in theory, eating what we wanted is w hat got us here in the first place but the POINT is that we don't really want that shit in our bodies. It takes strength of character and self-discipline to properly follow through with intuitive eating and it will NOT work for everybody. Some people need strict guidelines, keeping track and counting and that's FINE. We are all different  people with different needs. Why is that not okay?

Allan sometimes likes to discriminate against housewives and imply that they are stupid. I will let my IQ shine against his any time. Because my career of choice right now is being dedicated to my daughter doesn't mean that it is all I am capable of or all that I ever have been or will be. My family is my priority and it makes us all happy. Helping out in our community through volunteering at the church, school, Kids for Peace, girl scouts, and other organizations is more important to me than having 2 shiny new cars in the driveway or expensive family vacations, and that's what being a SAHM is about, not soap operas and bonbons and low intellect.

Allan's diet works. There is no doubt about that. He admits that it's not the only way. He says he's proud of anybody making progress. But he likes to imply that I, and others, are not making progress our way, when we clearly are.  He and I have different limitations and one of mine is dear and precious to me.

I have a 9 year old daughter and it is my responsibility to give her the tools she needs to grow up in a world that sucks without ending up hating herself or her life, or hating others for that matter either.  I take my responsibility VERY seriously and I am showing my daughter that her choices NOW and every moment of every day are building the life she will have as an adult. Food choices are part of that. So is exercise. If I set an example of having to weigh out each portion of my food and keep a written record of how many points or calories I consume, it could very well lead to her belief that she has to do the same thing.  She knows, however, that she can have treats and enjoy them because she burns a lot more calories than mom does, and she needs a lot more to grow. She understands that what others call "comfort food" will undoubtedly make her uncomfortable after eating it. She often will accompany me to my doctor's visits and our doctor will also talk about obesity and how I'm doing and she involves the kid in "project mom".  Kiddo understands that MY poor choices got me to 289 lbs and that my good choices have gotten me to where I am today and will help me continue towards a healthy, longer life. This, is more important than losing weight as quickly as possible. My child is my legacy to the world.  What will you leave behind, Mr. Klein? A fancy restaurant that continues to help people reach incredible levels of obesity?

My daughter also knows that I love and tolerate all types of different people. We gain spiritually from every friendship that we make, regardless of that person's background, race, religion, or home. But most of all, she knows that I will stand up for myself and for her because we are worth it.


For the record, here is what intuitive eating led me to consume  yesterday:

1 12 oz can of Pepsi  150 calories
1 granola bar 170 calories
Steamed broccoli florets 44 calories
Applesauce 69 calories
Potato Crusted Flounder 178 calories
1 12 oz can of Dr. Pepper - a rare treat! 150 calories

Those are the calories that I can account for easily because they were either pre-packaged or restaurant food with numbers provided. Then I went to a picnic in my hometown where I ate the following: 1 plain 1/4 lb sirloin burger on a *gasp* light white bread bun, I Tbsp of cheesey (!) hashbrown casserole, 1/2 tsp of lemon dip with 2 sections of graham cracker and 1 piece of baklava smaller than my thumb pad.

I also easily drank 11 glasses of water if not more. 

From yesterday to today - I had a loss of 1.1 lb. 

I did some leg lifts and stretching yesterday, but not my regular exercise because being in the car for a coupla hours to celebrate with my mom took quite a bite out of my day time-wise. I don't lose over a pound every day eating intuitively, but I don't expect to either. I do weigh myeslf daily, as I said before.  I could've worked out when I got home instead of talking to my husband, or I coulda skipped church in order to make more time for exercise. I chose not to do either of those things. I'm ok with that.

So enough of the bullshit, big Al, you can disagree with me all you want but use the FACTS that you claim you are so fond of, one of those facts being that what I'm doing is working for me. It's well researched and well thought out. Your 10 guidelines of intuitive eating aren't from Roth's books. I realize I'm obese. These are just a few contradictions that I know of from your assertions today.

Dr. Watkins, I presume

I really like my doctor. She is so kind and supportive that I can almost overlook the annoying fact that she is thin and pretty in a Halle Berry kind of way.  So, when she proclaimed today that I made her day - and possibly her entire week, I was like a little kid who had pleased her mother. (Well, I assume I was, I never experienced that feeling myself - but I see it in my sister all of the time).

According to her records, I've lost 35 lbs in 3 1/2 months. She is extremely pleased with my current approach to health and apparently, so is my body!  My blood pressure was great the first (and only) time they checked it today! Normally, it is pretty high when they first check it, as a result of anxiety, and they take it again as I'm leaving and it's normal. And when she asked, I realized that I did not even take my anti-anxiety meds last night! So anxiety is down, BP is down and the thyroid is in the normal range.

My assignments for the next two months are to (1) keep up with my current eating and activity habits, (2) win at a foot race across our front lawn against my daughter, and (3) lose 20 or more pounds. She had talked about visiting with me again near my birthday in December, but agreed to checking in just before Thanksgiving instead. She seems genuinely happy and excited about this. She thanked me for making her job easier and for not making her come see me in the cardiac ward of the local hospital. So, we have our date Nov 15 and I will try to live down to her expectations. Maybe by then I'll be able to fit into the workout clothes Allan is sending!  Now I need to win a free sports bra or 2 or get a raise in my allowance!

Thanks everyone for your continued support. This 'flip floppin lunatic' loves the lot of ya!  MWAAAH!

Woke up hungry

I woke up hungry this morning. Can't eat anything for a while as I have to wait a certain amount of time after the thyroid pill. So, I drank an extra cup of water, and you know what? I'm not hungry any more.  Amazing how that works.  My newest anti-snack tool is an extra cup of water before I allow myself my healthy snack.

Yesterday I walked over two miles around out little suburb. A friend and I started at her house, kept up a good pace, fun conversation, and really a wake up call.  We ended  up at the local "hot spot" of the last few days, before returning to her home.

A big Victorian estate went up in flames the other day. Apparently you could see the smoke all over town. Not sure how I missed it happening, but most likely it was when I was working on one volunteer project or another across the river in da big city.   At any rate, we walked past the  house and saw it's empty shell. Burnt out and empty. Hollow on the inside, charred around the windows, and the roof caved in. Construction workers scurried around trying to make it safe for repairs - putting up scaffolding, taking away large debris, roping it off from us looky-loos to keep everyone at a safe distance.

On a daily basis, the old me, the 286 lb me, felt like that poor old house. Huge. Burnt Out. Hollow. Empty. The world caving in around me. Waiting for somebody to take care of me and fix me. Thankfully I found a person powerful enough to do that and she was right there all along. Me! about 15 lbs later, I started this blog. That's 46 lbs of dead weight that have been shed.

Today I realize that I'm the only one that really ever could heal myself. I'm learning to forgive, to face things instead of avoid them, to experience and explore all of my emotions without food. I'm learning to read labels, understand what poisons I have been putting into my body and avoid them. I realize now how every choice I make effects my world in very big and very small ways. I realize I can't control other people, only my reactions to them.

I used to wonder when I'd ever feel like a 'grown-up'. Now I realize it was when I started acting like one: taking responsibility for my own actions - all of them, including food and movement. I finally feel a semblance of power over my own life. I hope you are all experiencing the same thing.

Several months ago, I 'woke up' out of my nightmare. I was hungry for change, power, and real life. I started eating better foods, and only what I needed to satisfy my hunger. I no longer ate until I was "full" knowing that exceeding the limits of my stomach capacity was leaving me with an empty life. Yes, I eat mindfully now, and I do so at the kitchen table. In full view of my family and anybody who walks by. I don't eat and hide, eat and watch tv, eat and blog. When I eat, I eat. No distractions. I pay attention to my food and the pleasure it brings me. I leave the table satisfied, not bloated. I choose foods that will fuel me not fool me into thinking I feel better.  I move purposefully every day. Movement for the sake of movement, I mean. As long as I move, the scale goes down, my mood goes up, and negativity doesn't get me down.

Eleven days

Eleven days until I go to the doctor. I was hoping to have more weight loss accomplished by then. I take ownership for my backslide in August, but it's unbelievably hard to recover from it. I hope I remember that next time I decide to be careless with what I put into my body.

The appointment is mainly to check how my thyroid is doing and to berate me for not having a mammogram. Ha! Well, I tricked her! I actually scheduled a mammogram for Tuesday. I'd rather have a candy gram, but there you have it.

I don't think the thyroid meds are doing much. I am still tired more than the average hibernating bear. I'd go back to bed right now except that kiddo's alarm is going off in 20 minutes and I hate waking up.  I don't like to do it more than once every few hours. So if she ups the dosage of thyroid medication maybe it won't be quite as much work for these pounds to melt off. Of course, I want it to be as easy as possible. You don't get this fat without being a tad lazy about things.

I'm going to keep working and see what I can accomplish in these next 11 days. Keep in mind that we have a birthday in there for kiddo at the ball park. Nothing like baseball stadium food to keep one on track, right? Including Toft's ice cream. Yum! And she has opted for cheesecake instead of birthday cake. I think she may be trying to kill me. She's like Stewie on Family Guy, only taller and prettier!