02 December 2010

You know . . .maybe the eliptical is not so bad afterall!

Tom hates me. I'm sure of it now. She's the one that talked me into trying out the spinning class and this was AFTER she knew I had knee problems. She did, however, recommend that I draw attention to myself by introducing myself to the instructor as a new student to ensure that my bike was set up properly.

Let me take a moment to tell you that I had done my research.  I knew this was going to hurt. I knew my big-fat-oversized buttoxen would be aching after hanging over that tiny concrete bike seat for an hour. I had heard that this lady is very good about keeping you off your buttoxen to lessen such injury. I knew I would sweat, be uncomfortable, burn calories. I had been warned and I took these warnings into account. But this trainer - you know, the one that's been trying to kill me all week? For some reason, I trusted her. I'm beginning to think she hates fat people. Damn you, Tom Riddle in  sports bra!

By the time class actually started, I was already tired. Seriously. All the standing up and peddling to make sure all of the bike settings were properly  . .. um.  . .set . . .tired me out. But I thought I'd catch my groove (no bike seat/ooh-ha pun intended) and at least be able to burn some calories.

I don't know how many minute we were into the workout. Not many, let me tell you that! I think it was on the second "climb" that my right knee gave out and I felt myself pitching forward. In super-slow motion, I felt myself lurching forward face-first over the handlebars. Luckily, my feet were convieniently strapped into the torture device to prevent that evenutality. I hit the handle bars but luckily the fall was broken by some enormous cushions I carry around with me. Yipes.  The best part? All the wile, my legs kept going because that's how the torture works! Nobody seemed to notice, oddly. It was almost exactly like one of those dreams where you're in high school walking around in the hallways and nobody seems to notice something's different, only here I was actually wearing a shirt. I checked though, hoping it was just a nightmare. I've been disappointed before to find myself fully clothed, but today it was somewhat of a relief.  Luckily I had the presence of mind to reach down and press the break so that my legs would stop their roadrunner-like blur.

At this point, I took a drink from my water bottle (I may take up an alcohol habit before I do this again) and nonchalantly (I tell myself) regained my composure (again, I tell myself) and begin to ride. My knee works, but there is no way I am standing while pedalling again. Ever. Or at least until I can squat with my body weight comfortably and for extended periods of time.  

The instructor had said that we shouldn't worry about keeping up and if we could just sit and ride the first time, that's all she expected of us. So I sat. And I rode.  And that knee? It began to really hurt. Not just be challenged now - but there was a pinching sensation at a certain point with every rotation. Not something I would equate with muscle pain or even arthritis or plica discomfort. It was more like "something's not in the right place" twinges of pain. I endured it for a long time, but it continued to increase in intensity with each stroke of the pedal, so I hit the brake again, sure that the class would be over soon. I looked up at the clock and discovered that we were only 20 minutes into the 50 minute class.  I sat there, dramatically rubbing my knee so that the instructor would realize that I'm not just a lazy fat chick but in fact an injured lazy fat chick. She gave me the nod of injured lazy fat chick recognition and I tried again. Ouch. So I sat and sat with that seat sinking into my voluminious butt. I was in the back corner the furthest from the doors. The lights were off, there were no windows, only mirrors in this small room. No way was I trying to walk across a room of skinny spinners on my escape route. I would just have to sit there. No, stand! I could stand!

I wrestled my feet from their restraints and put one, and then the other, gloriously on the tile floor. I extracted the bike seat from my nether regions and stood, straddling the bike frame, like a doe (doh!) in the headlights. And I began to panic. What if somebody thinks I'm looking at them? Here I am in the back row with all these butts in front of me. I must watch the instructor only. Yeah, that makes sense. Is there any air circulating in this room? Oh my god, this is so embarassing to be the most obese person in here and look so damn lazy for actually stopping AND dismounting the bike. I'm so pissed at my body for doing this to me. I'm trying! TRYING to be healthy and this is how it repays me?  Now I have the choice to bolt (oh no, I did NOT underestimate that urge) or to stay and not make a big scene, standing standing standing for the next 30 minutes. God, the music was awful. Really? Country? Something about falling to pieces, something about yer killin me? Seriously? Focus on the fan, it's moving, the air is moving. The room is so dark and so small and I'm hating this.

How could it get worse? Oh, I have an idea! Maybe the instructor can come SPEAK TO ME PERSONALLY as the music continues. That won't draw attention at all. She was kind, she said it was ok to just stand there until I felt like I wanted to get on again. She understood that knee problems can be wicked. Man, that would really be embarassing IF SHE WAS STILL WEARING HER MICROPHONE HEADSET. Somebody, please shoot me. I swear I took my meds last night.  I did get back on and pedal w/o resistance for the "cool down" song and then did the stretches. I salvaged some pride that way.

Maybe this is something I'll do again in my maintenance phase. And then? Then I'll grab the bike closest to the door and maybe wear a brace on my bad (worse) knee the first time. Naturally, the instructor wouldn't let me out the door (yeah, just one door! can you say safety hazard?) and gave me advice on strengthening my leg muscles to support my knee. Things I've already been doing. I would told her Tom Riddle herself had recommended the class for me, even after being notified of knee issues, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have known who I was talking about anyway. Tom will get hers tomorrow, even if I have to beat her with my new cane.

Btw, no problems with the knee as far as walking, but my buttoxen "hurt like hell."


  1. There has got to be better ways!!! I think you're right about the eliptical...Hang in there!!

  2. Yay for you for trying! Sorry it didn't work out.. but you tried... and I'm glad to hear no further knee issues... as for Tom.. you go get her!

  3. One persons poison is another persons passion. Biking, Spinning and the like; not for me. You got in there and gave it a try, that is what matters. Now you know where you and the spinning stand. What matters is the next time you exercise is that you do go and exercise. Don't let a bad date with spinning deter you from the healthy body you are making happen here. Go back to something you enjoy, try something else new, you choose. If you never spin again, who cares. If you never exercise again, we all care. Get that buttoxen cared for and go get psyched for your next date with exercise.

  4. Oh, I'll be back! I have my last session with the professional trainer (Tom) and she's going to be trying to make me do 3 sets of 12 on all these weight machines tomorrow!

    Good news is that I had zero muscle soreness this morning from yesterday's workout! I thought it would be killer because it was SO hard!

  5. I think you are awesome for taking on the class!! I talk to some of the girls at the gym who take it and every one of them says they hate it but cant stop. Interesting right?!?!? Maybe someday I will give it a whirl.


  6. Oh my.... what a nightmare!! Although it was way funny to read. I totally relate. Yes, stick with the eliptical I would say! :)


  7. I always pictured Tom Bergeron being nicer in person than you describe her.

  8. Oh, I really respect you for trying!!!
    Another blog I read just started too... and I thought that was a good idea. But I'm WAY to chicken to even try it.
    Maybe someday!
    I love the way you described it all, great writing :)

  9. Yep, me , too, Lainie, too chicken to start. Good fir you in giving it a try. I agree with Patrick-keep the exercise up in what works for you..


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