Need to turn this slow moving barge around

Well, I'm really going to have to start taking care of myself before all my hard work is undone. I can barely button my jeans and I refuse to buy bigger sizes. The only other option is to become a nudist and nobody wants that. Nobody.

I haven't weighed myself in forever. I know that the daily weighing in is motivational for me. I have eaten some of the most delicious food in the last few months. And enjoyed it thoroughly. I have to get back into the mindset that pleasure is not number one priority when nourishing my body.

Pain. Ugh the knees are killing me. My back is sore almost all the time. Time to dust off the Wii and find the "Walk It Out" game.

I'm gonna start slow and ease myself into it. School starts soon and it will be an emotional time. Soon after Kiddo will enter the double digits. Oh yeah, and a doctor appointment.

struggley strugglerson

For those who have been unable to find my beekeeping blog the address is here:

http://drakeslandinghoney.blogspot.com/

That said, there isn't a lot going on there. I have a lot of  updating to do just like I do here.

Tomorrow I go and visit the pulmonologist. I'm not excited about this meeting because I don't think I'm using the CPAP machine enough. I've been having a difficult time making good choices all around. Food wise, movement wise, sleep wise. No excuses, just not doing it.  I can't really explain why except that it's all mental. I know that any "special circumstances" I could come up with wouldn't justify the fact that I simply don't make good choices to take care of myself and my body well. 

Sometimes I think all hope is lost, maybe I'm just too mentally ill or something and won't ever be able to pull it all together. I try not to listen to that damaging self talk but I look around at my house that is a disaster and my half-mowed lawn and my relationships and I think - yeah, whatever.  I try to stuff that evil genie back down into it's bottle and go on, though, and it's an ongoing struggle. It all comes down to impulse control. I do have a lot of good days where I feel happy and I love my life  it isn't as if I'm completely depressed all the time. I have lots of friends, a great home, and a tolerable family. SO why can't I just do what I know I need to do to make myself healthy?

Must get focused.

dammit.

I got a traffic ticket last night for running a red light. I don't think it was yellow yet when I entered the intersection, but I'm just probably going to pay the $123.00 instead of dealing with the anxiety of contesting it. Really, I will spend over a hundred bucks, all my bday money and then some, to not have to speak in front of people. I wonder if shock therapy would help. Oh wait, I'm probably too big of a chicken to find that out.

I will not start thinking about my upcoming sleep study.

Working out at home today, probably Walk It Out and Just Dance 2 combo.

I've found that elminating my breakfast Pepsi has made an impact on my feeding schedule. I'm ready for food again about an hour after my initial morning snack. Whole grain bread with natural peanut butter seemed to satisfy it.  But then I'm not hungry again until late afternoon. Then I end up eating something stupid because I don't plan ahead properly. Like Wendy's new fries. Damn, they're good. DO NOT TRY THEM!!!

So, I've got to maybe change up my breakfast and see if I can get back on schedule. okay, I know I'm totally loopy now because the word "schedule" doesn't look right now matter how I spell it.

Enough already!

For the last month my weight has been dancing around the same old boring numbers on the scale.  I've been exercising daily during the week but slacking off on weekends. I've been making poor food choices and not having my "head in the game" 100% of the time. Although I'm getting stronger and working on my health in a lot of other ways, I've got to get back on the road to a healthy BMI.

Focus, Lanie, FOCUS!

It worked!

Thanks a bunch for sending the "Kindle" message telepathically to Sweetie. Course, it didn't get to him in time to actually PURCHASE one in time, but he gave me the go-ahead to shop for one. Plus some cash to play with. Yay!

The snow just keeps coming down here. Level 1 Snow Emergency. If it gets to level 3 I'll be sorry I didn't get out and go to church today. I have no idea how we'll get our driveway cleared. I should plan ahead for these things huh?  That would be very much unlike me

I'm down again within a half pound of my all-time low. Shovelling snow will probably burn a lot of calories. PLUS I bet I won't feel like I'm having a heart attack after 5 minutes of it  like last time. We could have up to 7 inches of snow by the time this is done tomorrow at 1 pm. Thank God for bodysculpt class for prepping my arms!

So do you all read the dude who gained 19 lbs this week? What do you say to a guy  like that? I should probably just stop reading him. Always a "reason".  I want so much for him to succeed. I want so much for Jillian Michaels to yell at him. I want so much to not see his obituary. :(

quickie

My laptop contracted a virus yesterday so I've been jonesin' for more than 24 hours.

No workout today and food choices not that great.

Back on track tomorrow.

I still haven't had any Pepsi since Sunday morning so I'm calling myself officially "over it".

Hot 100 Update: embrace failure

I'm not really embracing it, but besides my outstanding job on fruit  lately, I've not been doing well on my Hot 100 goals. I am so sleepy all the time that I'm usually in bed by 10 pm anyway but if i nap too much during the day I am up reading until midnight. I've been playing  around. Exercising - bah! eating when I'm not hungry, YOU BET!  playing around losing and gaining the same five pounds? Great fun! Bloggin 2x daily? I missed a whole day and nobody noticed so why bother? Chores? whatev.  The good news is I have a Dr. appointment first thing Monday morning and that'll prolly get me going. I HAVE made some progress since I saw her 2 months ago. . . I think. And I'll ask her all about what kinds of supplements she recommends to make sure they don't interact with anything i'm already taking.

Nothing really pushed me into this rut and I'll find my way out soon enough. The only explanation I have is that I was really REALLY close to weighing less than Sweetie. When I can truck along fine for a long while but when I notice I'm close to a goal, and especially if I say it to anybody out loud - then it's like the expectation is there that I will meet it quickly and my inner child or whoever rebels against it. Every time I think I have it figured out, then I just stop caring.  I haven't even been reading blogs much. had a great book to read, though.  I'll have a review for that prolly later.  I haven't even updated my Shelfari yet. I think I need to reread Women Food and God!

And so there ya have it. I'm all "why bother?" right now. Eating for fun, sleeping even more, exercising hardly at all . ..  but I am still weighing in every morning which is the only thing that's kept me within that 5 lb range - I'm sure of it.

Open House

We went to an open house at hubby's work today. I had to sign a contract saying that I wouldn't share any secrets from there. I guess that means I don't have to tell you what I ate there, right? I don't think I can keep the secret from Mr. Wii Fit though. That bastard always seems to know when I make poor choices.

Ugh. I've said too much. Must go now.