Motivation

I've set myself up today. I invited friends over to knit and visit after lunch. That means I'm really going to have to buckle down this morning and clean up the family room and kitchen. I love it when it's clean but it's been a long time now. Over a month probably. I'm ashamed to have anybody see it. The living room and entry way are fairly clean, and the dining room is full of laundry (clean, unsorted, on the table) and cardboard boxes for recycling.

I have guilt feelings because I know I should run some errands (recycling?) and do some grocery shopping instead of sitting and visiting with friends in front of the fire. But really - I'll get much more done around the house this morning with the pressure of guests coming over. 

There's a big part of me that knows they probably won't end up coming over because it's not a very well organized invitation and really - who doesn't have a dozen better things to do then come sit at my house in front of the fire?  I think I'll bake brownies or something. They will be my friends  if nobody else shows up. Wait, bad idea.

So the anxiety thing is getting me - but as usual, I purposefully set myself up for it anyway. So, into the shower I go and on with my day.  Maybe I will find some healthy snacks to share instead, but I wouldn't count on it unless I go shopping. Which I don't have time for because of the cleaning that needs to be done. Ack!

Sleep Study Follow up, changed the ticker, and a couple days off

Tonight is my sleep study follow-up where I experience the treatment. Guess what? I'm having a bit of an anxiety attack. I could use some info from CPAP users letting me know what it's like. Freakin out a little here, but looking forward to treatment and not having days like yesterday where I slept almost all freakin day and was still exhausted at 9 pm.

I realized this morning that I hadn't updated my ticker for a bit. So that's current now> New low weight.

Because of my leg I haven't done any exercise the last coupla days but I'm going to the gym to at least  do treads today. Hopefully it'll work off some of this anxiety.

dammit.

I got a traffic ticket last night for running a red light. I don't think it was yellow yet when I entered the intersection, but I'm just probably going to pay the $123.00 instead of dealing with the anxiety of contesting it. Really, I will spend over a hundred bucks, all my bday money and then some, to not have to speak in front of people. I wonder if shock therapy would help. Oh wait, I'm probably too big of a chicken to find that out.

I will not start thinking about my upcoming sleep study.

Working out at home today, probably Walk It Out and Just Dance 2 combo.

I've found that elminating my breakfast Pepsi has made an impact on my feeding schedule. I'm ready for food again about an hour after my initial morning snack. Whole grain bread with natural peanut butter seemed to satisfy it.  But then I'm not hungry again until late afternoon. Then I end up eating something stupid because I don't plan ahead properly. Like Wendy's new fries. Damn, they're good. DO NOT TRY THEM!!!

So, I've got to maybe change up my breakfast and see if I can get back on schedule. okay, I know I'm totally loopy now because the word "schedule" doesn't look right now matter how I spell it.

A look back at being 40

It really wasn't so bad. I have made great strides towards health, met new friends, learned a lot, and gotten a little more control over my anxiety. Today is my last day as a 40 year old and I'm ending it 50+ lbs lighter than it started, I have more stamina, strength of body, and peace of mind.

I have a slight caffiene hangover which will be quenched by Tylenol in no time.

Anxiety's getting me because Sweetie and Kiddo went to the mall and haven't returned yet. We are to leave here in 20 minutes and apparently he can't hear his cell phone in the crowded mall. Kiddo has never seen the chaos that is a pre-Christmas shopping mall on the weekend. Yes, I took my meds last night. I hope they will call or show up at home soon. It's really no big deal if we are late. I already texted sister to let her know. Anxiety sucks. Must reach for that peace of mind I was blabbering about a moment ago.

You know . . .maybe the eliptical is not so bad afterall!

Tom hates me. I'm sure of it now. She's the one that talked me into trying out the spinning class and this was AFTER she knew I had knee problems. She did, however, recommend that I draw attention to myself by introducing myself to the instructor as a new student to ensure that my bike was set up properly.

Let me take a moment to tell you that I had done my research.  I knew this was going to hurt. I knew my big-fat-oversized buttoxen would be aching after hanging over that tiny concrete bike seat for an hour. I had heard that this lady is very good about keeping you off your buttoxen to lessen such injury. I knew I would sweat, be uncomfortable, burn calories. I had been warned and I took these warnings into account. But this trainer - you know, the one that's been trying to kill me all week? For some reason, I trusted her. I'm beginning to think she hates fat people. Damn you, Tom Riddle in  sports bra!

By the time class actually started, I was already tired. Seriously. All the standing up and peddling to make sure all of the bike settings were properly  . .. um.  . .set . . .tired me out. But I thought I'd catch my groove (no bike seat/ooh-ha pun intended) and at least be able to burn some calories.

I don't know how many minute we were into the workout. Not many, let me tell you that! I think it was on the second "climb" that my right knee gave out and I felt myself pitching forward. In super-slow motion, I felt myself lurching forward face-first over the handlebars. Luckily, my feet were convieniently strapped into the torture device to prevent that evenutality. I hit the handle bars but luckily the fall was broken by some enormous cushions I carry around with me. Yipes.  The best part? All the wile, my legs kept going because that's how the torture works! Nobody seemed to notice, oddly. It was almost exactly like one of those dreams where you're in high school walking around in the hallways and nobody seems to notice something's different, only here I was actually wearing a shirt. I checked though, hoping it was just a nightmare. I've been disappointed before to find myself fully clothed, but today it was somewhat of a relief.  Luckily I had the presence of mind to reach down and press the break so that my legs would stop their roadrunner-like blur.

At this point, I took a drink from my water bottle (I may take up an alcohol habit before I do this again) and nonchalantly (I tell myself) regained my composure (again, I tell myself) and begin to ride. My knee works, but there is no way I am standing while pedalling again. Ever. Or at least until I can squat with my body weight comfortably and for extended periods of time.  

The instructor had said that we shouldn't worry about keeping up and if we could just sit and ride the first time, that's all she expected of us. So I sat. And I rode.  And that knee? It began to really hurt. Not just be challenged now - but there was a pinching sensation at a certain point with every rotation. Not something I would equate with muscle pain or even arthritis or plica discomfort. It was more like "something's not in the right place" twinges of pain. I endured it for a long time, but it continued to increase in intensity with each stroke of the pedal, so I hit the brake again, sure that the class would be over soon. I looked up at the clock and discovered that we were only 20 minutes into the 50 minute class.  I sat there, dramatically rubbing my knee so that the instructor would realize that I'm not just a lazy fat chick but in fact an injured lazy fat chick. She gave me the nod of injured lazy fat chick recognition and I tried again. Ouch. So I sat and sat with that seat sinking into my voluminious butt. I was in the back corner the furthest from the doors. The lights were off, there were no windows, only mirrors in this small room. No way was I trying to walk across a room of skinny spinners on my escape route. I would just have to sit there. No, stand! I could stand!

I wrestled my feet from their restraints and put one, and then the other, gloriously on the tile floor. I extracted the bike seat from my nether regions and stood, straddling the bike frame, like a doe (doh!) in the headlights. And I began to panic. What if somebody thinks I'm looking at them? Here I am in the back row with all these butts in front of me. I must watch the instructor only. Yeah, that makes sense. Is there any air circulating in this room? Oh my god, this is so embarassing to be the most obese person in here and look so damn lazy for actually stopping AND dismounting the bike. I'm so pissed at my body for doing this to me. I'm trying! TRYING to be healthy and this is how it repays me?  Now I have the choice to bolt (oh no, I did NOT underestimate that urge) or to stay and not make a big scene, standing standing standing for the next 30 minutes. God, the music was awful. Really? Country? Something about falling to pieces, something about yer killin me? Seriously? Focus on the fan, it's moving, the air is moving. The room is so dark and so small and I'm hating this.

How could it get worse? Oh, I have an idea! Maybe the instructor can come SPEAK TO ME PERSONALLY as the music continues. That won't draw attention at all. She was kind, she said it was ok to just stand there until I felt like I wanted to get on again. She understood that knee problems can be wicked. Man, that would really be embarassing IF SHE WAS STILL WEARING HER MICROPHONE HEADSET. Somebody, please shoot me. I swear I took my meds last night.  I did get back on and pedal w/o resistance for the "cool down" song and then did the stretches. I salvaged some pride that way.

Maybe this is something I'll do again in my maintenance phase. And then? Then I'll grab the bike closest to the door and maybe wear a brace on my bad (worse) knee the first time. Naturally, the instructor wouldn't let me out the door (yeah, just one door! can you say safety hazard?) and gave me advice on strengthening my leg muscles to support my knee. Things I've already been doing. I would told her Tom Riddle herself had recommended the class for me, even after being notified of knee issues, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have known who I was talking about anyway. Tom will get hers tomorrow, even if I have to beat her with my new cane.

Btw, no problems with the knee as far as walking, but my buttoxen "hurt like hell."

Addicted to praise?

Flipping through channels this afternoon, I heard somebody talking about "Are you addicted to Praise?" but I didn't tune into it, even though I immediately thought "that is so me."

I was thinking - is that why I blog? Is that why I always feel the need to be validated? Is that why I've always needed a wide variety of friends to help and support me? Is that jerk who thinks I'm just an attention-getter right?  I had myself all worked up about it, seriously. I think my anxiety meds were wearing off early or something!

But then tonight I decided to search for it on Yahoo and found out it was on Oprah which explains why I didn't watch it. I like Oprah ok, but I was on my way to watch Ellen which I adore. Oprah can't compete with that.  Anyhow, Oprah.com had a quiz to take to determine whether or not I was, in fact, addicted to praise.  They also had an article about the three signs:

1. Infinite Praise Tolerance
I like validation as much as anybody, but I have my limit. If somebody IRL gushes about something I've done, I become very uncomfortable and start to feel that they are being lesss than geniune. For you online folks, though, keep piling it on. I'm good with that! *wink*

2. Flattering sidekick
Oh, that's funny.  If my BFF or my daughter or even my husband compliments me, I know that it is genuine. Flattery is not part of he personality of the people closest to me. Kiddo will say "You're making progress, Mom, but you're still really fat."  I think she gets that from her Auntie Mandy. 

3. Extreme Praise Avoidance
I can take a compliment (I can! Try me!). I will avoid public display because of my anxiety but I have actually been complimented on my ability to take a compliment. One day in the buffet line at church (that's right, you wanna make something of it?) My friend Tiffany said "Melanie! You look GREAT!" and my response was "Thanks! I FEEL great!" and after we sat down to eat, two people I didn't know came  and told me that not only had they noticed that I'd been losing weight, but they were really impressed about how I handled taking a compliment.



If you're interested, you can take Martha Beck's quiz here. 


Oh, and if you're curious about my results, here's what it said:

Congratulations, you’re normal! Sure, praise feels good to you, but you aren't obsessed with it to the point of dysfunction. You're more interested in what you're doing than in how you look doing it; you give to others because you're thinking about them, not about how you look to them. Normal is good.

Well, maybe I can say that I'm normal in this one paticular way, at least.

Tuesday

Yeah, so the "Dance Party" class was harder than I thought it was going to be. My knee started really hurting, so I left early and went and rode the bikes until my girlfriend finished up. So I had 40 minutes of good hard cardio and it was really fun. I will probably try it again. It would help if  there were other fatties in the class. Maybe next time there will be! There was yesterday. One friend wants me to try turbo kick with her. Ugh. I think they're all trying to kill me.  But still, at least I'm not working with crazy screaming Jillian! Almost time for Biggest Loser - and it's makeover week. should be fun to watch.

Tomorrow I will go and get "trained" on the weights and then do some cardio, then drop off a bunch of sstuff at the thrift store . . . then come home and finish cleaning and help Kiddo learn to make pumpkin pie pudding. yummy!

Exercise makes me so hungry. But I've been good to not overeat. Staying on the plan, eating when hungry until satisfied - not feeling full. Staying positive for the most part, spending some time on dharmaseed.org which is awesome for learning meditation and I'm not skipping any meds this week because I'll need all the anti-anxiety help I can get with family gatherings. I think I'll do ok if I can keep Sweetie on an even keel. Cleaning the house will help with that!

skating by

I've never been a GOOD roller skater. I'm not even a good walker.

But, I bet skating burns a lot of calories. All that smashing of kneecaps and hauling my big 234 lb butt back up off of the floor. . . .

Kid wants me to take her to the school skating party tonight, and I must be on an upswing because I'm actually considering skating. In front of people. In public. I'll probably talk myself out of it but honestly, I will probably be bored if I don't skate. I don't know these people for the most part. Why not embarass myself?

So much for my nice fireside knitting.

Meatless Mondays & This morning's doctor visit

Breakfast was a Sweet N Salty bar, lunch was grilled cheese on potato  bread, snacks consist of pumpkin bread and FRUIT. Dinner will be whole grain pasta with snowpeas and asparagus, parmesan & olive oil. Some herbs & spices tossed in.

Dr. appointment was good today. She continues to be pleased with my progress, not at all concerned with the slowdown - said that's normal for this time of year for many people. She said keep doing what I'm doing. Aside from a multivitamin, she didn't want me to do any additional supplements. She looked at my airway and considers it small, suspects that the root of my ongoing fatigue is sleep apnea. So, Dec 9th I go see a pulmonologist and they will determine if I need a sleep study. Expect a future post on anxiety, sleep, and insanity.

Kick starting this whole exercise thing

I've been doing some light exercise, but having a real hard time putting in the sweat I need to to maintain the pace of weightloss I experienced over the summer. I miss swimming!

Tomorrow is the day that I promised my friend I'd finally go to Zumba with her and now she's talked me into "body sculpting" beforehand. It's at one of those lady fitness gyms . . . I've never been to one. I doubt I'll like it or be tempted to join up. At least that's what I'm telling myself.  Although, a weight room without big dumb jock dudes expecting me to be a moron might be refreshing.

When I used to go to the Y that happened to be on the campus of the local medical college, those guys were EVERYWHERE. My workout partner kept telling me they wanted my body and were flirting with me, but I know better. They wanted to distract me with their sweaty muscles so that I would kill myself and they could use me as a cadaver. Oh yeah - they wanted my body all right. Honestly, though, I think tp them fat = stupid. Oh well, those days are over - no more Y membership, no more University neighborhood. On to the sweaty middle aged women doing Latin Dance!  I fully intend to make a fool out of myself and have a lot of laughs, if nothing else.

If you don't see me tomorrow, assume "death by Zumba."

What the hell is wrong with me?

Does anybody else have this strange aversion to going to the post office?

I almost danced a jig when I realized I could order flat-rate boxes to be delivered to my home - for FREE - and then print out my own postage.   Ok, ok . . . .I know that's been an option for a long time but I never really thought about how that applied to ME! I never ever have to go to the post office again! Or at least not inside of it.  I cannot explain why, but I just ehat that place!

NSV report

My 9 year old can reach all the way around me AND intertwine her fingers when whe hug.

I can take off my wedding rings which were resized 10 years ago. They'll need to be resized again soon! Downward this time

Husband admits I'm almost down to what the thinks is his current weight (but still refuses to weigh in).

New high score on Wii Fit Plus super hula-hoop, 10 minutes, game

Social anxiety seriously waning as I prove to myself I can do and survive outings on my own and meet new people IRL.

First day of school

Yesterday was the first day of fourth grade for my daughter at her new school. It's a tough age group. Kids are mean and my daughter has inherited a bit of my social anxiety. This morning, the 2nd day, she had a hard time getting out of bed and getting ready. When we were walking to the bus stop, she started crying. She misses her old school. She misses her friends. There's a mean girl at the new school and she is her locker partner. She's too tired to go to school. She got on the bus with tears still streaming down her face.

I have to choose my reaction carefully. Mama bear wanted to come out and eviscerate papa bear for making this problem even exist. Mama bear's teeth needed sharpenedd  . . .but, that wouldn't solve anything. Instead, I emailed the teacher to make her aware of the high emotional state and the nervousness about the locker partner. I asked the teacher to help kiddo find the other girl scouts in her class and find connections to other kids.

I wanted to take a nap and escape from the world for an hour or two. Luckily, my girlfriends keep calling me ensuring that won't happen. They tell me things will be ok, the world is full of jerks, and kiddo will become a stronger person for learning how to deal with them.

For a minute, I wanted to eat. Maybe only a half minute. I went and exercised instead. I'm going to go to that some more now so that I can be my calmest (sweatiest, stinkiest) mommy when she comes home. I fully expect that today was better than yesterday. It is, afterall, art day!

The end of summer

Starting at a new school is more traumatic for me than it is for my daughter so far. The first day of classes isn't until Wednesday, but I'm completely stressed out about it - and not for her - but for myself. I like to be quite involved at school and I have a whole new set of people I have to meet and try to train to like me. Believe it or not, that doesn't always come naturally to people.  My social anxiety is in high gear and I'm not doing to well with it. My days have been filled with too many other things, and exercise keeps getting forgotten until late at night and therefore skipped altogether.  I am fighting the temptation to just "wait until school starts" to get back into a routine, but that is not really in line with my plan, so I'm going to keep trying to put my mind in the right place.

Tonight instead of exercising, I was beaten at Killer Bunnies by a 9 year old. Clearly that's why the box says the game is for ages 12 and up. Because mom's will feel sorry for younger kids and let them win. Oh wait, she's only 8. That's worse.

I always get moody and depressed when her bday comes along too. I'm sure Julie can identify with the "letting go" issues as her daughter is about to leave for Spain and mine is only going a mile down the road to 4th grade and only for a part of a day. They grow up too fast. I am a cling-on. She's my constant companion all summer long and I'll be lonely without her - at least until I learn to be independent again which might take a few weeks.

Stopping the rambling now.

Ugh Day

My mind is just not where I want it to be today. Exercise will help, I"m sure. It's one of those days when I feel some kind of psychic pressure from the world . . . as if everybody's about to find out what a fraud I am or that I'm not living up to people's expectations. Is it anxiety? Depression? I did take my Paxil last night because I felt it coming on . . . but I'm not sure how many days I might've missed before that.

Weekends are ironically tough on me. That's a post for another blog, I suppose.

I don't feel like eating or exercising. I guess I'll just push myself to keep moving and getting some chores done throughout the day, exercise and hope I feel better.

I am down 1.3 lb today but discouraged because I had two "up" days in a row that haven't yet been undone. BMI is still over 40. I'll get there though. I will. And I'll go farther than I've ever gone before. And I'll be left with the same old me - but with a new wardrobe. I hate this melancholy feeling.