struggley strugglerson

For those who have been unable to find my beekeeping blog the address is here:

http://drakeslandinghoney.blogspot.com/

That said, there isn't a lot going on there. I have a lot of  updating to do just like I do here.

Tomorrow I go and visit the pulmonologist. I'm not excited about this meeting because I don't think I'm using the CPAP machine enough. I've been having a difficult time making good choices all around. Food wise, movement wise, sleep wise. No excuses, just not doing it.  I can't really explain why except that it's all mental. I know that any "special circumstances" I could come up with wouldn't justify the fact that I simply don't make good choices to take care of myself and my body well. 

Sometimes I think all hope is lost, maybe I'm just too mentally ill or something and won't ever be able to pull it all together. I try not to listen to that damaging self talk but I look around at my house that is a disaster and my half-mowed lawn and my relationships and I think - yeah, whatever.  I try to stuff that evil genie back down into it's bottle and go on, though, and it's an ongoing struggle. It all comes down to impulse control. I do have a lot of good days where I feel happy and I love my life  it isn't as if I'm completely depressed all the time. I have lots of friends, a great home, and a tolerable family. SO why can't I just do what I know I need to do to make myself healthy?

Must get focused.

Hot 100 Update: embrace failure

I'm not really embracing it, but besides my outstanding job on fruit  lately, I've not been doing well on my Hot 100 goals. I am so sleepy all the time that I'm usually in bed by 10 pm anyway but if i nap too much during the day I am up reading until midnight. I've been playing  around. Exercising - bah! eating when I'm not hungry, YOU BET!  playing around losing and gaining the same five pounds? Great fun! Bloggin 2x daily? I missed a whole day and nobody noticed so why bother? Chores? whatev.  The good news is I have a Dr. appointment first thing Monday morning and that'll prolly get me going. I HAVE made some progress since I saw her 2 months ago. . . I think. And I'll ask her all about what kinds of supplements she recommends to make sure they don't interact with anything i'm already taking.

Nothing really pushed me into this rut and I'll find my way out soon enough. The only explanation I have is that I was really REALLY close to weighing less than Sweetie. When I can truck along fine for a long while but when I notice I'm close to a goal, and especially if I say it to anybody out loud - then it's like the expectation is there that I will meet it quickly and my inner child or whoever rebels against it. Every time I think I have it figured out, then I just stop caring.  I haven't even been reading blogs much. had a great book to read, though.  I'll have a review for that prolly later.  I haven't even updated my Shelfari yet. I think I need to reread Women Food and God!

And so there ya have it. I'm all "why bother?" right now. Eating for fun, sleeping even more, exercising hardly at all . ..  but I am still weighing in every morning which is the only thing that's kept me within that 5 lb range - I'm sure of it.

Dear Mercury;

Oh swift-footed messenger of the gods. Oh ye who wears shoes that are even goofier looking than Shape-Ups. Oh erratic, volatile or unstable wing-ed shoed currier of news! 

When your namesake planet is in the state of what appears to be retrograde, communications are extra difficult for we humans. You appear to move backwards through the zodiac, sending communications, appointments, travel, and mail into general disorder. Wires are crossed, calls are missed, confusion ensues. Frustration follows. And then, the eating . .. oh the eating!

But I resist. I will not fall prey to your whimsical musings. Do not toy with my health and body, you trickster! I WILL continue to exercise daily - to move and burn calories, and consume healthy foods. And soon, you will return to your direct station and just in time for my appointment with Dr. Halle Berry Lookalike. And she will tell me I'm fat. And she will tell me I'm old. And she will tell me I need medication to control my thyroid. And nothing will be confused about that. Damn you, Mercury! Where are you when I need you most?

Oh, Mercury - I also want to add that I don't believe in mythology or astrology. Three times yearly (four as an added bonus this year) you tempt me into it. I'm sure it is purely coincidence that I forgot my wallet yesterday, have had a difficult time thinking of what to blog, forget to purchase things on my grocery list, actually win a contest(!), have to do the same work 3 times for the church, arrive late to my kid's activities, lose emails, forget about book orders, and don't receive the mail I am expecting all in the time of your "retro" station.  I know Retro is always in style when it comes to fashion, Merc, but when it comes to communications, stop effing with my life already will ya?