After 2 1/2 weeks of IIN training

I've been having so much fun with my IIN course and materials, that I forget to take time out to blog about it!

One lecture I watched this week was presented by Denise Lamothe, called "Taming of the Chew."
It's based on her book, and it had many valuable ideas about dealing with emotional eating. Two in particular that attracted me was derailing negative thinking by using "In Reality" statements and the other was herbal remedies by Dr. Bach.

Her advice to short-circuit negative thinking that leads to emotional eating, is to listen to it, recognize it and then tell yourself  - for instance - "I want a cookie, but Reality is I'm not hungry. Reality is that it would make me feel awful physically AND emotionally."  I haven't tried the Bach's herbal remedies yet, but I've asked around and they have gotten good reviews. I intend to learn a little more before I try them out myself. Let me know if you've had any experience with them!

One of the dietary changes I've made, is to have more meatless meals. These are mostly nothing fancy - I'll stir fry whatever veggies we have on hand and then serve them over brown rice or whole wheat pasta. I still eat meat occasionally, but now I realize that it's not intended to be part of every single meal. Tonight I'm going  to fix roast veggies. I'll cut up big chunks of zucchini and squash, onion, carrots, and parsnip, toss them with olive oil and seasoning, cover them and roast them for a half hour, uncover them and cook 20 - 30 more minutes. I hope they're yummy!

As I set up my business web page as required by the school, I am considering incorporating a book club about health issues. I tend to believe that every diet, exercise, self-help, or healthy lifestyle book out there has something of value in it. I just purchased one on my Kindle today called Whitewash by Joe Keon. I think this will be my June book since it happens to be the first of the month.  If you would like to read along , please join my new facebook page for group discussion.

The other dietary change I've made is to let go of my reliance on dairy foods. I will still eat them as a treat, but I realize now they are not nutritionally relevant to me. When I was pregnant, I was drinking a glass in the middle of the night whenever I woke up hungry, plus at least 2 glasses during the day. Did you know that even the organic milk with "no hormones added" is fraught with bovine pregnancy hormones? These hormones are designed in nature to make for fat, healthy calves!  Ten years later, my calves are fat enough, thank you very much!  Also these hormones are linked to all sorts of problems such as prostate cancer, women's reproductive cancer, childhood obesity, diabetes, and more. And I haven't even opened the book yet. While Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution is pushing to schools to stop selling sugary flavored milks to kids, it looks like we should stop serving milk altogether! This idea shocked me when I first heard it from Harvard nutrition professor Walter Willette, but what he says makes a lot of sense. Look at his suggested "My Plate" visual recommendations for wellness.

It incorporates everything that has worked for me in the past!

Know what I want?

I want to stop wanting. The book I'm reading presently by Laura Munson reinforces my belief that WANTING is the root of suffering. I've been chewing on this on and off now for a while. I'm no where near as "wanty" as I used to be.

Do you know any kids who are always saying what they want? There's a term for this kind of kid. It's called being a brat!  A kid tells me what they want, I ask how they plan on getting it. Or "How do you get what you want?" and until they come up with the idea of asking nicely for it. Yes, I will do this to ANY kid, not just mine. It takes a village, dammit!  Sometimes at home we'll play the "want" game if somebody mentions something they want. We will escalate to more and more ridiculous things tha twe want until we break out in giggles. Want to live at the American Girl Store? You're allowed to want that all you want to . . .just don't expect it to happen simply because you want it.


Oddly enough, we watched the movie Popeye the other day - nothing animated, the one with Robin Williams and Shelley Duvall. And Olive Oyle was making me crazy talking about everything she wanted and how ugly everything was and she was completely unsatisified with everything. I hate that part of myself and I want it gone, and that's why it annoys me so much in others. Kiddo and I had a good discussion about the movie. Did you notice when Olive stopped being so whiny and obnoxiouis? It was when Sweetpea came along and she started taking care of him. What??? Thinking of others and doing for others will actually get you out of your own wallow hollow? Genius!  I keep forgetting that. I love me a good wallow.

Sometimes you can get what you want. I want to be healthy, I work hard towards that end. I stay focused on that goal. It's happening little by little. I want to feel valued? Then I better start acting valuable. I better start valueing myself cuz I can't make anybody else value me. It all goes back to the tried and true serenity prayer (hey - prayer would be a good blog topic!) about recognizing what I can't control.  I can't make Sweetie be an affectionate love-dovey type of guy. Not gonna happen. I can encourage it and live by example, though.  And I can let go of wanting that . .. that is my goal.  It's been over 20 years already, why do I still keep expecting and wanting what I know he's not going to deliver?

Wanting to go to Australia . . . I can start researching, saving, and planning. I can't force him to want to go along, no matter how much I want to share that experience with him. I learned that after talking him into joining us on our trip to the art museum the other day when he didn't want to go. It didn't turn out like I wanted it to, at all. STOP WANTING, Lanie!  Don't go into these things with an end-result in mind. DOn't have a script all made up in your head of what you want to happen. Just live in the moment, and find the joy that's there when it's there. Stop "wanting" yourself to death. It's gonna make you even crazier. Eating crazy-like certainly isn't going to get you what you want - unless you wanna be a whole lot of obese in an extra-large coffin.

What do you WANT?  Can you get it? How? If you can't, how are you going to let go of that want?

I got some more reading to do this afternoon!

Happiness is the enemy?

Strange! When my alarm sounded this morning, I did NOT wake up angry. I felt good, happy, ready for the day. Can't wait to get started. I didn't like my weigh-in this morning but there are always fluctuations and I'm sure I'll make up for it tomorrow or the next day. I didn't follow my intuition yesterday and ate more dinner becaue it was yummy instead of listening to my hunger signal or lack thereof. I'm finding that being in a good mood is more dangerous than being depressed with my eating habits. When I'm unhappy or stressed, it's easier these days to gain a little control of my world by thinking about what I'm eating. When I'm relaxed and things are going well and I have no reason to freak out (this happens rarely) I am more likely to eat for pleasure instead of nutrition.

Overeating is not the same has having a binge though. I wasn't uncomfortable and "full" when I got up from the table. I didn't feel horrified or guilty about what I'd eaten. In fact, I didn't really think much of it until the scale showed me this morning. I know I ate too much. I'm ruminating on why and I think that my  diligence just isn't where it usually is when I'm relaxed an happy.  Oddly, I don't feel the need to stress out about it. I know that I can undo this. I'd love to be able to hit the 50 lbs down mark by the end of the week. All of the walking I'll be doing in Chicago should help. Today's to-do list is long but nothing I can't handle.

Stepping up my awareness!

Avoidance

I plead guilty.  I've got some feelings that have been avoided for 9 years and I need to stop avoiding them and deal with them. Could be a rough weekend. The plan is to let myself experience them honestly, work through them, and move on. It's been a long time coming.

I was sitting on the love seat in our trailer, nursing the baby I didn't want, trying not to hate her. I trust you can all tell by now that I'm already over the hate part. It may come to a complete shock to those of you who know us IRL these days. As per usual at that time of day, the TV was on and tuned to the Early Show on CBS. I was looking forward to seeing the "dreams come true" segment they had been promising.  And then, it happened.

What the hell? How could a big giant airplane plow into a building like that?  Who could make that kind of mistake? Big planes like that shouldn't even come near skyscrapers! Is the pilot on drugs?

Fuck. Another plane hit the neighboring building. This can't be an accident. This is war. How can we be at war? I live in the USA. I'm safe, right? The government protects us. They wouldn't let t his happen to us. It's too much. Too scary. It can't be real. 

People jumping off of roofs, buildings crumbling, area being evacuated, panic panic panicpanicpanic.

I'm sorry baby. I'm sorry. so sorry. You didn't deserve to be brought into this hellish world. How could I do this to you? I didn't want this. I didn't do it on purpose. It's not fair to bring innocent babies into this nightmare. I'm sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry . . .
Rocking, crying. Baby is one week old. She has no idea what mom's babbling on about. Sorry, sorry, sorry sorry sorrysorrysorrysosorrysosorrysosorry .  . .

My mother is staying with us to "help" with the new baby. Apparently this consists of holding her while she is happy. I am getting no sleep, fearing that child services will take my baby, hoping they will, very delusional with post partum insanity. Sorry. so sorrysosorry. Vulnerability the likes of which I've never experienced before. I've been violated personally, abused, manipulated my whole life. I have no coping strategies for the vulnerability of my country.

I call husband. Sister calls. I call Mandy or she calls me. I don't remember which. She snaps me out of it. I stop thinking about killing myself to avoid being killed. We'll see what happens. . If I end my life now, there's no going back.

In the weeks to come, I send granmda home, take care of the baby as best I can, still resenting her for my lost sleep, my lost dreams, my lost life. I can always ride it out and off myself later. I find I can make and eat an entire batch of brownies while husband is at work, and clean up so he never knows. Not pregnant anymore, so I don't have to follow the stinkin diabetic diet. A few weeks later Mandy comes to visit with her toddler and her new baby. We have a great time. First fun I've had in months. We pig out on Hostess cakes from a nearby outlet. 

That night, I'm in the ER, then sent home. Then back in the hospital. Happy Halloween, now I know what fear is. Gangrenous abdomen. Pain unlike anything I've ever imagined. This is as close to death as I'm going to get. They remove my appendix, syphon out the poisonous infection, and keep me for a week. Finally, I'm inconsolable and need to be home with my baby. After a week of pumping and dumping milk, I go back to struggling to breastfeed. I do this through end of November. My birthday present to me and bonus gift for my baby, is we buy formula. We are now in love, sleeping through the night, and playing normally.

Anxiety continues until medication evens me out months and months later.

I may not be a doctor, but I know what fear is.



Where were you on Sept 11, 2001?

Board board board board board!

I was reading about self-soothing techniques yesterday  (see Shelfari on sidebar) and learned that many people say they eat out of boredom. I couldn't help but roll my eyes. One of my many intolerances is for people who are or become "bored."  I'd like to take a Cricket board to them much like Vyvyan does in the above clip. Bored is not an emotion, it is a state of mind. Look around us, how could anybody be bored, ever? People, be honest with yourself and figure out what you're really feeling! Bored is usually any easy word - an excuse even - masking other feelings.

Most people when they say they are "bored" really mean that they are experiencing some type of unbearable disatisfaction. Usually, there is something they'd rather do but they feel limited by some circumstance and therefore unable to do what they want. That involves some sadness, some frustration, and maybe some anger. Once you recognize the details of what you are feeling, you can deal with them, instead of just whining around that you're "bored" or stuffing your face for entertainment purposes.

Is this post boring? Really? Are you bored? Are you disappointed that I'm taking your word "bored" away from you? That's a bad word in our house. Find a better word. It's like saying somebody is "nice" when you mean they are friendly and welcoming, warm or funny. Be more specific! Ugh. Hand me that cricket bat, Vyv. Stop making excuses. Think about why you're letting yourself get frustrated and solve the problem. There is no "bored." There is only "not trying hard enough".

A little fun

Since Allan brought some traffic my way this morning, I will share some with him.  I feel almost famous today! Please check out his latest blog post here.

Here was my response to him which will probably be posted momentarily if he approves . . .

I knew you couldn't follow directions. You totally skipped the "not me" part. lol I totally expected that!







I criticized you on your own blog, actually, but you chose not to publish those posts. Just as you are likely not to post this or any other posts supporting me. I have a general policy not to say things behind people's backs that I wouldn't tell them to their face. Any criticism I have made of you wasn't about your diet but about the way you sometimes present yourself - or presented before the new nicer Al came along.






I'm human. I have good days and bad. I share them. I have been tempted not to post my setbacks mainly because I know you love to point out such things and twist it into somebody being a hypocrite because they're struggling.






As far as following diet "quacks", I read read read whatever I can get my hands on and analyze to determine what I can learn from the material. Richard Simmons, Geneen Roth, Thich Nhat Hanh, and others I read do not profess to be medical experts. They simply share what works for them in hopes that it will help others. The only difference between them and you is that they get paid for it. That doesn't make them quacks. A quack is somebody that professes to have medical knowledge when they don't.






Of COURSE you love me. I am quite lovable and capable and, as you will see, I am going to be healthier than ever. Maybe not as quickly as you are, but in my own way I will succeed.
 
 
Oh yeah, then I went back to post again that I have been born and raised in the USA. I have never even been to Canada even though it's less than 2 hours from me. I'm not sure how Allan figured I'm from Oz since I'm always saying that my life dream is to go there.  Ah well, he is obviously still getting to know me.

If you're not hungry, don't eat.

This is one of the scariest guidelines I cam across when first reading Geneen Roth's Women, Food and God a few months ago. I had several reasons why this wasn't going to work for me.

1. If I let myself get hungry I will become cranky and unable to make wise decisions about what to eat.

2. What if I skip eating at lunch time and get hungry an hour later and food isn't available to me at that time?

3. It would be rude not to eat if others are eating.

4. Eating comforts me and helps me settle down.

Well, I decided to go for it despite all of my excuses because quite frankly, the author wrote about all of those too, so I knew she had already heard them before and would not have been impressed with my creativity. I realized that I'm not so special in this regard and that other people have the same reasons excuses for not doing what is logical.

I've been doing really well with not eating unless I'm hungry. Sometimes it takes me a while to figure out if I'm hungry or not. But I make that dertermination (as best I can) before I begin to gobble. And here's what I found out:

1. If I happen to get hungry, I'll be ok. I can have a light snack in my purse to tide me over. I'm a grown-up now and it isn't as if I'm not allowed to snack because I didn't finish my veggies.

2. While most people do encourage me to eat with them, I realize that it's not my responsibility to make them comfortable by eating along with them. I can have a lemonade or ice water and sit with somebody who is eating and be quite engaging and charming. (ok, maybe that's a bit much. lol)

3. Eating does not really comfort me. It just keeps me from thinking of what's bothering me. Avoidance isn't comfort. If avoidance is what I'm seeking, there are other ways to do it, but in the end I'm going to have to deal with whatever is troubling me so I may as well do it sooner rather than later. Gorging myself with food actually makes me quite UNCOMFORTABLE and I don't want to do that anymore.

I'm thinking about this today because I have been mentoring one of my IRL friends in this process and she is just now starting to get it. Last night her hubby stopped and treated the whole family to ice cream and she wasn't hungry so she didn't get anything! I am SO proud of her! I know that now that's she's survived the first time, it's going to get easier and easier and she was so proud of herself when she told me. I could just hear her smile stretching from ear to ear over the phone. I think it's starting to "click" with her. Whoo hoo!

Healthy Schmealthy

I'm going to be healthy. This long slow suicide dance I've played with food and sloth has got to end. I have a kid, 8 1/2 years old, who is worth living for and worth the effort to make it work.

I haven't dieted a lot in the past. I was on Richard Simmons' Food Mover Plan circa Y2K or so and did well on it, until I started working for a really awesome food catalog order company and I just wanted to eat what I wanted to eat. I didn't like depriving myself. I felt I "deserved" to eat what I wanted to. A year or so later, I was put on the diabetic diet during my pregnancy. I lost quite a bit on that. I was very strict with myself. I knew from my close relative's experience what it was like to take care of a special needs child and I was determined to do everything "right" during my pregnancy. If something "went wrong" it wasn't going to be for my lack of trying. After my healthy baby girl was born, I could eat whatever I wanted to again.And I did. Now, weighing in at 272 it's time to "stop the insanity" as Susan Powter once preached. I'm on the verge of diabetes, struggle to tie my shoes or pick up things from the floor, lack stamina to play with my kid the way I'd like to, and am tired all.the.time.

I've got all the tools I need. I have a support network. I have space to workout, I am armed with knowledge of nutrition, I've got a pedometer, a swimming pond, a Wii Fit, and a DS Weightloss Coach. I've read Richard Simmons, Susan Powter, and Geneen Roth. I understand that I'm an emotional eater, a permitter, and a binger. I know that as an adult I am responsible for my own choices, including what I put in my mouth and how much I move.

I need to be healthy. To be able play and live, take care of my home, and be productive. I need to get over it, move on, be a grown up, and listen to my body, not the stories my mind is telling me. Ignore the mindtapes, the voice and the inner child, and find me-my-mine. I can do this and one way I'm going to do it is to start a blog here to help myself feel accountable for my choices. I'm going to link to fitblogs and to my brother-in-law who is one of the finest people I know.

Welcome.