Lens

Still reading the Geneen Roth book and thinking a lot about the need to feel special, protected, and saved. I'm trying to learn to slow my mind-freak down to a dull roar and pay attention to what's really happening in the now and trying not to focus on things that are beyond my influence. I've talked about "wanting" before and how I need to find a way to minimize the wants in my life. I realized in my reading this week that one thing that I want, have always wanted, is for people to know the REAL me. And my biggest frustrations (especially lately) have come when that want has been interfered with. Discovering that my sister has been maligning my character for 30 years, one friend seeing me as nagging & self centered, and another one accusing me of "coming down on" her kid too hard when in reality I had been trying to find out if my kid had said something offensive . . . way back to when teachers assumed I'd have the same personality as my older siblings in elementary school. Anyhow: The lesson? People are going to see me (and the world) through whatever lens they are looking through - a lens that is smudged, shaped, cracked, and even distorted through their own experiences that have nothing to do with me. What can I do with this realization? I can understand that it just as well applies to me looking back at the rest of the world. This lens is all scratched and chipped, cracked down the middle with a big wad of duct tape holding it together. I need to polish it up or get a new one.  It's an ongoing project.

Also, it's been one crazy-ass week and I'm tarred!

A bit of good news today, but I'm afraid to share it or I'll jinx myself. Ends up I have time to blog tonight, but I'm super duper sleepy.

What makes me mad - rated PG13

Liars piss me off. Whether the purpose of the lies is self-agrandizement, self-protection, or just ignorance - it is never done with positivity and compassion.

Here is the BS that our good pal Allan is spewing about me today:

"My favorite thing to read is someone like Lanie , who at almost 250 pounds decided she is not obese, and can eat as she wants."

And here is my response which, as usual, will likely not be published over there:

"As much as I adore you, Allan, it really pisses me off when you lie. Especially when you lie about me. What's the purpose of that? To make yourself look smarter than me? To make me seem stupid? That's about as fucking disrespectful as it gets. You're not stretching the truth or exaggerating to make a point here. You are lying."

Before you post shit ALLAN, read a little about what you are talking about, in case someone listens to you. Facts count.  And the facts are that I weighed 289 lbs when I began eating intuitively. And now I weigh 243.8 lbs.  That's a total of nearly 45 lbs, 30+ since I started blogging about it, as my badge here says. I have NEVER said that I am not obese. I am SEVERELY obese which is progress since I started out as MORBIDLY obese. I will be OBESE for a long time to come, but not forever.

I'm not quite sure where our buddy gets his "facts" about Geneen Roth books because they certainly are not from reading her work. He claims he respects people who are losing weight no matter what their path is, but then insults their intelligence whenever they are using something that he himself would not be capable of handling. Yes, in theory, eating what we wanted is w hat got us here in the first place but the POINT is that we don't really want that shit in our bodies. It takes strength of character and self-discipline to properly follow through with intuitive eating and it will NOT work for everybody. Some people need strict guidelines, keeping track and counting and that's FINE. We are all different  people with different needs. Why is that not okay?

Allan sometimes likes to discriminate against housewives and imply that they are stupid. I will let my IQ shine against his any time. Because my career of choice right now is being dedicated to my daughter doesn't mean that it is all I am capable of or all that I ever have been or will be. My family is my priority and it makes us all happy. Helping out in our community through volunteering at the church, school, Kids for Peace, girl scouts, and other organizations is more important to me than having 2 shiny new cars in the driveway or expensive family vacations, and that's what being a SAHM is about, not soap operas and bonbons and low intellect.

Allan's diet works. There is no doubt about that. He admits that it's not the only way. He says he's proud of anybody making progress. But he likes to imply that I, and others, are not making progress our way, when we clearly are.  He and I have different limitations and one of mine is dear and precious to me.

I have a 9 year old daughter and it is my responsibility to give her the tools she needs to grow up in a world that sucks without ending up hating herself or her life, or hating others for that matter either.  I take my responsibility VERY seriously and I am showing my daughter that her choices NOW and every moment of every day are building the life she will have as an adult. Food choices are part of that. So is exercise. If I set an example of having to weigh out each portion of my food and keep a written record of how many points or calories I consume, it could very well lead to her belief that she has to do the same thing.  She knows, however, that she can have treats and enjoy them because she burns a lot more calories than mom does, and she needs a lot more to grow. She understands that what others call "comfort food" will undoubtedly make her uncomfortable after eating it. She often will accompany me to my doctor's visits and our doctor will also talk about obesity and how I'm doing and she involves the kid in "project mom".  Kiddo understands that MY poor choices got me to 289 lbs and that my good choices have gotten me to where I am today and will help me continue towards a healthy, longer life. This, is more important than losing weight as quickly as possible. My child is my legacy to the world.  What will you leave behind, Mr. Klein? A fancy restaurant that continues to help people reach incredible levels of obesity?

My daughter also knows that I love and tolerate all types of different people. We gain spiritually from every friendship that we make, regardless of that person's background, race, religion, or home. But most of all, she knows that I will stand up for myself and for her because we are worth it.


For the record, here is what intuitive eating led me to consume  yesterday:

1 12 oz can of Pepsi  150 calories
1 granola bar 170 calories
Steamed broccoli florets 44 calories
Applesauce 69 calories
Potato Crusted Flounder 178 calories
1 12 oz can of Dr. Pepper - a rare treat! 150 calories

Those are the calories that I can account for easily because they were either pre-packaged or restaurant food with numbers provided. Then I went to a picnic in my hometown where I ate the following: 1 plain 1/4 lb sirloin burger on a *gasp* light white bread bun, I Tbsp of cheesey (!) hashbrown casserole, 1/2 tsp of lemon dip with 2 sections of graham cracker and 1 piece of baklava smaller than my thumb pad.

I also easily drank 11 glasses of water if not more. 

From yesterday to today - I had a loss of 1.1 lb. 

I did some leg lifts and stretching yesterday, but not my regular exercise because being in the car for a coupla hours to celebrate with my mom took quite a bite out of my day time-wise. I don't lose over a pound every day eating intuitively, but I don't expect to either. I do weigh myeslf daily, as I said before.  I could've worked out when I got home instead of talking to my husband, or I coulda skipped church in order to make more time for exercise. I chose not to do either of those things. I'm ok with that.

So enough of the bullshit, big Al, you can disagree with me all you want but use the FACTS that you claim you are so fond of, one of those facts being that what I'm doing is working for me. It's well researched and well thought out. Your 10 guidelines of intuitive eating aren't from Roth's books. I realize I'm obese. These are just a few contradictions that I know of from your assertions today.

If you're not hungry, don't eat.

This is one of the scariest guidelines I cam across when first reading Geneen Roth's Women, Food and God a few months ago. I had several reasons why this wasn't going to work for me.

1. If I let myself get hungry I will become cranky and unable to make wise decisions about what to eat.

2. What if I skip eating at lunch time and get hungry an hour later and food isn't available to me at that time?

3. It would be rude not to eat if others are eating.

4. Eating comforts me and helps me settle down.

Well, I decided to go for it despite all of my excuses because quite frankly, the author wrote about all of those too, so I knew she had already heard them before and would not have been impressed with my creativity. I realized that I'm not so special in this regard and that other people have the same reasons excuses for not doing what is logical.

I've been doing really well with not eating unless I'm hungry. Sometimes it takes me a while to figure out if I'm hungry or not. But I make that dertermination (as best I can) before I begin to gobble. And here's what I found out:

1. If I happen to get hungry, I'll be ok. I can have a light snack in my purse to tide me over. I'm a grown-up now and it isn't as if I'm not allowed to snack because I didn't finish my veggies.

2. While most people do encourage me to eat with them, I realize that it's not my responsibility to make them comfortable by eating along with them. I can have a lemonade or ice water and sit with somebody who is eating and be quite engaging and charming. (ok, maybe that's a bit much. lol)

3. Eating does not really comfort me. It just keeps me from thinking of what's bothering me. Avoidance isn't comfort. If avoidance is what I'm seeking, there are other ways to do it, but in the end I'm going to have to deal with whatever is troubling me so I may as well do it sooner rather than later. Gorging myself with food actually makes me quite UNCOMFORTABLE and I don't want to do that anymore.

I'm thinking about this today because I have been mentoring one of my IRL friends in this process and she is just now starting to get it. Last night her hubby stopped and treated the whole family to ice cream and she wasn't hungry so she didn't get anything! I am SO proud of her! I know that now that's she's survived the first time, it's going to get easier and easier and she was so proud of herself when she told me. I could just hear her smile stretching from ear to ear over the phone. I think it's starting to "click" with her. Whoo hoo!

Eating Out Loud

This post inspired by the newest member of the Blogs that inspire me in the sidebar to the right. The name of her blog is "Did I Just Eat that Out Loud?" and it got me thinking that eating out loud is one of the most important changes I've made in the last few months.

One of Geneen Roth's guidelines for a healthy relationship with food is to "Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others." This fits right in with one of my everyday philosophies that I've embraced for years. Somehow, though, i never applied it to my eating habits until recently. My philosophy is that if I wouldn't want my mother/husband/daughter/best friend to know that I'm doing it, then it's something I shouldn't do. Now how did I preach that philosophy for 20 years (and probably even posted it on facebook while downing an entire bag of Reese's miniatures)without realizing how directly related it was to my fat?

One of my IRL friends asked me the other day how I am doing so well at resisting temptation and I gave her a simple answer, but this is an important piece of the puzzle. My daughter is almost 9 years old. She wants me to reach my goal of a healthy BMI and I have involved her in my journey because I want her to understand how I got here and how I'm getting to where I want to be. She may not know all the crazy details of what goes on in mom's head, but she knows it boils down to making good choices about food and movement. The next time we talk about it, I will be confessing that for the first 8 years of her life, I had been sneaking food. I'm not going to do that anymore. If I don't want to be judged for what I'm eating, it's a clear sign that I've already judged myself and decided I shouldn't be doing it.