16 May 2011

struggley strugglerson

For those who have been unable to find my beekeeping blog the address is here:


That said, there isn't a lot going on there. I have a lot of  updating to do just like I do here.

Tomorrow I go and visit the pulmonologist. I'm not excited about this meeting because I don't think I'm using the CPAP machine enough. I've been having a difficult time making good choices all around. Food wise, movement wise, sleep wise. No excuses, just not doing it.  I can't really explain why except that it's all mental. I know that any "special circumstances" I could come up with wouldn't justify the fact that I simply don't make good choices to take care of myself and my body well. 

Sometimes I think all hope is lost, maybe I'm just too mentally ill or something and won't ever be able to pull it all together. I try not to listen to that damaging self talk but I look around at my house that is a disaster and my half-mowed lawn and my relationships and I think - yeah, whatever.  I try to stuff that evil genie back down into it's bottle and go on, though, and it's an ongoing struggle. It all comes down to impulse control. I do have a lot of good days where I feel happy and I love my life  it isn't as if I'm completely depressed all the time. I have lots of friends, a great home, and a tolerable family. SO why can't I just do what I know I need to do to make myself healthy?

Must get focused.


  1. Winter is really hard along with this horrible "spring" weather we have been having. What can we do to get back to where we were a year ago? Remember when we were losing so much weight every week that I didn't recognize you at church from one Sunday to the next? I think when it is easier to get outside and move, it will be easier to make those good choices. I enjoyed Friday, too.

  2. I am glad you came back even for such a short update. I am sorry, too, that you are struggling so with getting healthy.

    I mean this in only the kindest way: Have you ever thought about talking with a professional about why it is so difficult for you to get healthy and care for yourself? I found it to be very helpful and am really glad I did. You are totally worth your efforts; plus your young daughter needs you...

  3. Maybe you need a pushy buddy to help you get moving? I'm no organizational genie but I do have the exercise thing down pat. As soon as the sun comes out lets get out for a walk, Yes?

  4. Hey Lanie. It has been a long time since I popped into my blog and visited yours. That tells the whole story. If I copied and pasted your entry and put it as my own, it would be right on the money. Even down to the CPAP. With the 50 lb gone, my sleep apnea disappeared as well, but with the TWENTY POUND GAIN (since being in love and getting married three weeks ago and all that jazz), I can tell the apnea is back. And I feel like crap, complete with the daytime sleepiness and morning headaches. Bleh. My sweet husband of 3 week asked me this morning what was wrong. He said I seemed a bit distant. Then he said 'you know how new moms can get post-partum depression? i think maybe you are having a little bit of post-marriage depression'. Hmmmmm. Could it be? I reminded him I've been single for 19 years, and I've just moved out of the house with my grandchildren (who have never known anything but living with Greemaw), so I'm definitely in a period of adjustment. He also acknowledged that he knows I'm struggling with the weight gain and how he wants to help me in that regard. Hmmm.

    I'm feelin your agony (again!) It is a mental thing for me too. I love Michele's suggestion of seeing a therapist, but time and finances right now don't allow that for me.

    Anyhow, just wanted to pop in and say hello. And maybe I'll just update my blog by copying and pasting your entry today. ha.

    We gotta hang in there. Hope your day is a good one!!!

  5. It's SO hard to take care of yourself when you can't even get a good night's sleep. :( I find it's so hard to put yourself first when you can't even think straight. I have to believe that if you can get that back on track, other things in your life will fall more into place.

    Hugs to you!

  6. Lanie,

    Crap happens. Life sucks sometimes. When I am in a funk the last thing I want is advice from others but here it goes. Make a list. Whenever the suck gets to be a little too much, after becoming angry, then said, then depressed, I have to tell myself to reboot. I sit down and make a list of how everything I wanted to be, do or accomplish. After getting all the stuff keeping myself from the person I want to be, I put em' in order. With a list in front of me I get a perspective then do as much from the top of the list you can today. You will never get all you want done but at least you will get the most important stuff done.

    Sending a digital hug your way. Resist the apathy, resist the hopeless thoughts & find the Lanie you know you can be.

    Posted something today. Maybe it will help.
    StartingAt500Pounds.com:Join The Resistance!

  7. Hope you are doing okay. Just checking in. Thinking of you.


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