I've been continuing to read along in the book A Course In Weight Loss. I've been doing a pretty good job of setting my judgements aside so that I can read and learn objectively, applying lessons to my own belief system and adapting them into my life. It's been interesting! The goal of the 2nd assignment was to integrate the separate parts of your mindset that tend to war over health goals. Accepting that they exist and bringing them together with the intent to heal is the intent. So they ask that the reader write from one point of view a letter to the opposing self, and then to shift paradigms and respond to the letter. Here's what I got.
Dear Heavy Lanie;
Let go of me will you!?! You're bringing me down! Suffocating me with fat is not protecting me. It takes a lot more than food to heal these wounds. Whether pain is physical or emotional, it i rarely alleviated by sugar and fat. You are an embarassment to our daughter and our husband. And to me. And the rest of my family and friends. Nobody wants to be seen with you. Heck, your high school friend actually asked you why you "let yourself go". You are keeping me from living the happy life that I crave.
Re-reading this as I typed, I'm quite suprised by the self loathing that is seeping through there. I really didn't realize how bad I feel about my weight until I saw it in print. I rarely think about it it, in fact. No, that's not true - I push it from my mind and avoid thinking about it because it's too difficult. Sigh. And now onto the response from my fat mindset!
Dear Healthy Lanie;
All these years, feeding you was the only way I knew how to take care of you. Never having been mourished and comforted myself, I had no experience on which to draw. Now that we are learning more about what it takes to be healthy, I'm doing better! You should give me some credit for that , you know. After all, I'm the one who got you started on the healthy route that you've resisted so long. It's hard to accept that we've "left ourselves go" when we never really "had it together" in the first place. It's just that our outward appearances didn't reflect it as well back in the 1980s. If you remember, you weren't happy as a thin person either. There's clearly a lot more work to be done besides just working on body shape here. If you'll stop criticizing me constantly, maybe we could work on it together . . . ?