06 January 2011

Thin Lanie vs. Fat Lanie

I've been continuing to read along in the book A Course In Weight Loss.   I've been doing a pretty good job of setting my judgements aside so that I can read and learn objectively, applying lessons to my own belief system and adapting them into my life.  It's been interesting! The goal of the 2nd assignment was to integrate the separate parts of your mindset that tend to war over health goals. Accepting that they exist and bringing them together with the intent to heal is the intent. So they ask that the reader write from one point of view a letter to the opposing self, and then to shift paradigms and respond to the letter.  Here's what I got.

Dear Heavy Lanie;

Let go of me will you!?!  You're bringing me down! Suffocating me with fat is not protecting me. It takes a lot more than food to heal these wounds. Whether pain is physical or emotional, it i rarely alleviated by sugar and fat.  You are an embarassment to our daughter and our husband. And to me. And the rest of my family and friends. Nobody wants to be seen with you. Heck, your high school friend actually asked you why you "let yourself go". You are keeping me from living the happy life that I crave.

In desperaton,
LaniePainie

Re-reading this as I typed, I'm quite suprised by the self loathing that is seeping through there. I really didn't realize how bad I feel about my weight until I saw it in print. I rarely think about it it, in fact. No, that's not true - I push it from my mind and avoid thinking about it because it's too difficult. Sigh.  And now onto the response from my fat mindset!

Dear Healthy Lanie;

All these years, feeding you was the only way I knew how to take care of you. Never having been mourished and comforted myself, I had no experience on which to draw. Now that we are learning more about what it takes to be healthy, I'm doing better! You should give me some credit for that , you know. After all, I'm the one who got you started on the healthy route that you've resisted so long.  It's hard to accept that we've "left ourselves go" when we never really "had it together" in the first place. It's just that our outward appearances didn't reflect it as well back in the 1980s. If you remember, you weren't happy as a thin person either. There's clearly a lot more work to be done besides just working on body shape here. If you'll stop criticizing me constantly, maybe we could work on it together . . . ?

16 comments:

  1. why the hell would you expect anything else?

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  2. I love the letters!! this is an awesome post!!

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  3. Yes, all thin people are bitchy, don't you know that? It's because they are hungry! But seriously, this was interesting, and you were right, I can't think that I was ever completely happy when I was thin-maybe there are further issues like you said, or maybe we are all a little 'grass is always greener' in nature. Either way, I'd rather be skinny unhappy than fat unhappy anyday, because skinny me will live alot longer and have more time to be bitchy.

    Polar's Mom
    www.polarspage.blogspot.com

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  4. awesome awesome awesome
    love this Lanie
    I think Healthy Lanie isn't so much bitchy as scared..she is afraid everyone will see that she is broken, she wants to hide from that and she thinks if she can hide it from herself and others everything will be ok. Little does she realize that everyone is broken in one way or another...true some scars run deeper than others but pain is relevant to how much each person can handle...I m' not sure Healthy Lanie is as "healthy" as she thinks. She may have much more in common with Heavy Lanie then she realizes..same crap different package!!!!!
    I love the call out to work together instead of criticizing..that is so true..the negative talk is debilitating!!! STOP THE MADNESS I SAY!!! lol

    wow this post really juiced me up Lanie
    thanks for keeping it real!

    love and light

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  5. I am reading it too but I am having a really hard time fitting it into my personal belief system because of all the usage of "God."

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  6. I admire your introspection. It takes more than just working out, healthy eating, and weight loss to be whole...wow...that's more profound than I'm used to...
    Thanks for your comment on my blog. I appreciate your honesty. I absolutely would kick another kid's ass for pulling on my kids pom-pom, but not after having told my child to verbalize what he needs and wants the other person to do or, in this case, stop doing. I'm all about having them work their problems out.
    But I value and appreciate your forthcomingness. I do love it when people can say exactly what they mean. Love that!

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  7. Wow. This has me thinking (always bad Lanie, hehe). I can definitely relate. I grew up with food being used as a comforting tool- God forbid we actually talk through our feelings.. I'm learning now, and trying to make sure my son doesn't develop my habits. Can't blame my parents, they did better than their parents. Maybe it can finally end with me :)

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  8. I loved this post, Lanie. I once did this exercise during a bad break-up. It's cathartic, to say the least. I may just have to do one myself. I'm always learning something from your blog. Healthy and Heavy will have to work together. It's the only way.

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  9. I like the letters, too. I see it as what I do...well....internally--talk to myself. It's Fat Mir versus Healthy Mir constantly...and Fat Mir is losing so far, thank God.

    I do a lot of introspection and intermall self-talk (well, I am an INTJ, so it's to be expected). I sometimes just say it OUT LOUD, cause it seems to have more power that way. Just let myself talk to myself when no one can listen. :D I don't want them to misunderstand it as me hearing voices or something. It's a consciouse bit of self-dialogue...because that's just show it works for me. As someone who has written fiction and poetry and still wants to complete the dang novel, I'm used to speaking dialogue for characters out loud or internally...and so it's not a difficult thing to just let me talk to me.

    And one day, I hope Fat Mir dies a nice, easy, gentle death in the back of my brain.

    Keep going, Healthy-Slim-Fit Lainie!!! TALK DOWN THE FAT MADNESS!!!! :)

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  10. This is simply one of the most powerful exercises I've done yet. I to was taken aback by my thin me's negativity and hurt.

    Thank you for sharing your letters. Reading yours inspires me to stay the course. On to lesson 6 for me.

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  11. Freakin' awesome! I don't even know you and I feel proud of you! :)

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  12. This is a pretty heavy duty post, and very eye-opening; especially for you, I'm sure. A great exercise. I've decided to turn to a couple of self-help books for the HL Challenge because after a week of trying, I figure I need all the help I can get. I'm glad that you are encouraged by what you're reading :)

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  13. Very poignant post, Lanie. Made me immdeidatly think about Ellen's challenge.

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  14. oh my gosh! I am in LOVE with this idea. and seriously, it seems to have shone some light on what you need to do. it seems this really helped you see what is happening and making logging personal journals or something. But keep up the good work!!

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  15. I feel resistance here.... in my heart.... so it might be something I need to look at more closely. Awesomely powerful.

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