19 February 2011

lies and the lying liars that lie them.

Lots of emotional personal stuff going on right now that threatens to take my focus off of my health goals. But I'm going to use the pain to fight the fat instead of feed the fat. That makes for less material to post because my brain is FULL of stuff that doesn't directly effect my health schmealth.

It's a sibling thing. Why won't these siblings just go away, I ask you? It involves a lie that was told over 20 years ago - but I just found out about it yesterday. You might wonder what difference something like that can make, but I guess that depends on the lie, doesn't it?  I'll try to give the overview without a lot of detail and then welcome your feedback.

I've always known this sibling is a liar. But I thought there were limits. Apparently not so much. Yesterday on facebook I was chatting with a friend of my sibling. This friend informed me that said sibling had always told people that obvious appearance issues they suffered we a result of my violence when we were tweens. This is untrue. I've never been a violent person or attacked anybody with anything other than words. On a rare occasion I have defended myself but only in instances of extreme pain. But never would I have had the impulse or the strength to cause the damage alleged.

We were born in a small town (a little larger than Seymour, Indiana - feel free to hum that song all day). How many people were told this lie? How many people have believed it all these years and continue to do so? Does it explain why I always felt on the outs?

It doesn't change my life, really, at all. I have a beautiful family and a nice home and lots and lots of friends who love me for who I truly am. It WAS a long time ago. I understand the lie was out of jealousy and from a sick mind tortured from abuse. I really just don't know where to go from here. It doesn't justify ending a relationship with this person or acting out against them. I did write to them and received an apology which is more than I could've expected. Still, that doesn't undo the damage, does it?



  1. Wow. I'm surprised at the apology. More than I would expect as well. Unfortunately you are right. Apologies are great in theory, but they almost always disappoint because they don't undo the damage. I would maintain the relationship with the sib. I would ask that she take the opportunities to set folks straight when occasions arise (might not be that many). I would use the info to change your perspective on the past -- not into bitter one, just one with more understanding into folks behaviors so you can take them less personally. Rejoice in the beauty of your current life and celebrate the fact that you did not get trapped in the unhealthy and damaging dynamic that was created!

  2. I have 5 siblings and am close to one. My oldest sister lies on me and I found out about it when I revisited some old friends....many lies were told about me. I haven't spoken to her in a long time because I am close with her son, my nephew, and she has said I think he is my son. I did have custody of him when he was a teen, so in a way, I do feel he is like one of my kids. Sorry about the hurt but I would have limited contact if I were you.

  3. I am sure you have changed in 20 years and - hopefully - your sibling has, too. That the "friend" of your sibling passed along that comment is what would upset me. I'm glad you asked for and rec'd the apology. If it were me, I would look at all the positive in my life and refuse to focus on that 20 year old lie. Focusing on the positive always has great benefits, turning to the past and the negative - in my experience - never yields good results!

  4. HLG - I would be upset with the friend if he had been lying. I almost expected to say something to sis and have her deny she ever said it. Instead she asked who told me. I'm not angry at her now - I'm angry at her actions then and I followed Cathy's advice. I let her know that I expect her to not include me in her lies anymore and if she has the chance to set people straight on the matter she will.

    Kristi - I'm the youngest of 4 and had just been getting to feel for the first time that sis was somebody I could be friends with. It hit me as such a shock to know that people would believe that of me.

    I won't cut her off for something she did half a lifetime ago but I am glad it is out in the open. I wouldn't have been able to maintain any kind of relationship at all if I just kept it inside. I guess I've grown up a lot in the last year I've been working on my emotional health. It's a good thing.

  5. I know how you feel about liars and lying (me too). I'm glad you're glad it's out in the open and I am amazed you got the apology too. That's a good thing, because a lot of people will not apologize no matter what they do and keep defending the lie in one way or another (we've seen it live). I guess people say the darndest things out of fear, jealousy, whatever. It sounds like you are working it out and taking the higher road. Whatever is BEST for YOU is the way to go.

  6. Wow, that's tough to handle. I hate liars with a passion. Good job fighting the fat instead of feeding it! Cheers, Rick

  7. Late to the party...again. What can I say? At least I'm consistent. :)

    I'm sure you've already handled this by now, but I would probably have done what you did - addressed it and then tried like hell to move on.

    I would try to make sure that you have good boundaries though. You probably already do - but just in case...may be time to revisit them and make sure that they're healthy.

    My older sister is as crazy as the day is long - and a lot of hurtful crazy stuff has come out and I just have to roll my eyes because I've kind of come to expect it.

    It's like I address it, express my feelings, and then let go of the outcome.

    Hard to do sometimes, but it gets easier.


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