Growing up fat

I know I've talked about this before but I'd like to elaborate a little bit today and even share a picture.

A lot of you talk about growing up fat and I have to admit once again that I have no experience with that.  Eating was not a big deal to me as a kid. It was an inconvenience because I had to stop what I was doing outside and come in, clean up and sit down and be with my family. Mom, older siblings, and me. These were not always enjoyable times. I would finish as quickly as possibly, clean up, and go back outside to my friends.

As a teenager, I remained in escape mode. I was never home unless required. If I was "home," I was in the room I shared with my sister - reading, napping, or studying. Lots of summer days were spent on the porch swing or riding my bike. Ohio winters are harsh sometimes, but outside was the place to be if you could be, or at a friend's house annoying her older siblings.

I was "bean pole" or "ironing board" and even in my junior year "TW" for "titless wonder" for a while. Skinny Minny, aneroxic, skeleton freak. I did not have a great body image. I tried to gain weight by watching more television and eating peanut butter and margarine sandwiches washed down with Dr. Pepper every night at bedtime. Fatty, sugary, white-bread snacks at the worst time of day didn't do it for me. I couldn't sleep anyway, so the caffeine made little difference.   Here's a photo of me at 16 years old. Yep, 1986.

How bout the simulated woodgrain Pinto Wagon, eh? What a sexy mama I wasn't. I remember fluffing out the front of that dress before my bf took the photo. Marilyn Monroe I was not. Great helmet hair though! 

So when I did start to gain weight, I didn't care. It's what I had wanted for SO long.

Woke up hungry

I woke up hungry this morning. Can't eat anything for a while as I have to wait a certain amount of time after the thyroid pill. So, I drank an extra cup of water, and you know what? I'm not hungry any more.  Amazing how that works.  My newest anti-snack tool is an extra cup of water before I allow myself my healthy snack.

Yesterday I walked over two miles around out little suburb. A friend and I started at her house, kept up a good pace, fun conversation, and really a wake up call.  We ended  up at the local "hot spot" of the last few days, before returning to her home.

A big Victorian estate went up in flames the other day. Apparently you could see the smoke all over town. Not sure how I missed it happening, but most likely it was when I was working on one volunteer project or another across the river in da big city.   At any rate, we walked past the  house and saw it's empty shell. Burnt out and empty. Hollow on the inside, charred around the windows, and the roof caved in. Construction workers scurried around trying to make it safe for repairs - putting up scaffolding, taking away large debris, roping it off from us looky-loos to keep everyone at a safe distance.

On a daily basis, the old me, the 286 lb me, felt like that poor old house. Huge. Burnt Out. Hollow. Empty. The world caving in around me. Waiting for somebody to take care of me and fix me. Thankfully I found a person powerful enough to do that and she was right there all along. Me! about 15 lbs later, I started this blog. That's 46 lbs of dead weight that have been shed.

Today I realize that I'm the only one that really ever could heal myself. I'm learning to forgive, to face things instead of avoid them, to experience and explore all of my emotions without food. I'm learning to read labels, understand what poisons I have been putting into my body and avoid them. I realize now how every choice I make effects my world in very big and very small ways. I realize I can't control other people, only my reactions to them.

I used to wonder when I'd ever feel like a 'grown-up'. Now I realize it was when I started acting like one: taking responsibility for my own actions - all of them, including food and movement. I finally feel a semblance of power over my own life. I hope you are all experiencing the same thing.

Several months ago, I 'woke up' out of my nightmare. I was hungry for change, power, and real life. I started eating better foods, and only what I needed to satisfy my hunger. I no longer ate until I was "full" knowing that exceeding the limits of my stomach capacity was leaving me with an empty life. Yes, I eat mindfully now, and I do so at the kitchen table. In full view of my family and anybody who walks by. I don't eat and hide, eat and watch tv, eat and blog. When I eat, I eat. No distractions. I pay attention to my food and the pleasure it brings me. I leave the table satisfied, not bloated. I choose foods that will fuel me not fool me into thinking I feel better.  I move purposefully every day. Movement for the sake of movement, I mean. As long as I move, the scale goes down, my mood goes up, and negativity doesn't get me down.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness has never been my strong point. I am a grudge holder. I believe in punishment, retribution, and revenge. My grudges are my protection against future damage, and unwillingness to make myself vulnerable to more hurt.

But today I read a quote (and I love quotes, let me tell ya!) that made me think of things a little differently.

"Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past."

- Alexa Young


I have no idea who Alexa Young is, so I decided to find out more. She's an author. Most of my favorite people are authors. Wether it be for a local weekly newspaper covering a bean festival, or a famous novelist, or self-help writer. I love me some authors. And I love me some books.

Alexa Young is the author of the Frenemies book series, one of which I've never heard. Clearly, though, this woman is insightful and brilliant. She writes for the teen crowd and that isn't going to stop me from slurping up her books one after another. After all, I have to have something to do while I wait for Mockingjay to be released next month. Besides, I've already read all of the Harry Potter and Wimpy Kid series.

So, back to this forgiveness bit, and yes, Ms. Roth talks about this too. My childhood right and young adult life STUNK. There ARE people I could hold directly responsible for that other than myself. I was a kid, I had to rely on these people. I had survival strategies that mostly involved denial and avoidance. I ran around alot avoiding being home, I pretended nothing was wrong, I begged God to send somebody to save me. To avoid more hurt and damage, I continued to hold onto these strategies and to the anger at these people.

I'm letting go of that right this minute. What happened, happened as they say. No anger or grudge will change that. It's over. I can continue to do my best to make sure it doesn't happen to others without holding onto that negativity that pulls me back. There will always be things that remind me and tempt me back into that mindset, but I have to make a conscious decision to deal with those occurences in a healthy, mature way. Not by stuffing myself with food or avoiding chores, or trying to manipulate somebody else into taking care of me because I wasn't taken care of properly as a child. I have to take care of me now. I have to take care of my own child, and not the inner one.

I can't let myself feel lousy about my crappy support network because in all reality it's pretty damn good. My friends don't have to be there for me every available moment of crisis - I need to work things through for myself. I'm not a kid anymore. I have the ability to change things, primarily my attitude and this is going to be a "changing day in my life." Every day has that potential. I need only have my eyes open to recognize it, instead of wallowing in the past.