Avoidance part 3,321

The real reason I didn't want to go to counselling today? Well, I knew I really should call my insurance company and make sure said counsellor is on our new insurance plan but I hadn't. This counselor is someone we'd seen before as a couple so I didn't really take that into consideration when I made the first appointment. But the office administrator gave me all kinds of grief when I gave her the new insurance card last time because I hadn't called ahead and gotten the pre-cert.

So today an hour before my appointment, I decided I'd stop avoiding the damn phone call and find out if he's covered. I had  a nice little chat with a girl in the dental coverage department first. Duh. Then, finally - the mental health section. According to the insurance CSR, he's not on their plan. So, 40 minutes before the appointment I call to cancel and the office admin AGAIN gives me grief. No wonder I don't like people.

Based on the fact that I'd never see this person again, I felt free to point out to her that the clients she works are experiencing a lot of stress in their lives and it would be appreciated if she could treat them with a tad bit of compassion instead of criticism or treating them as a child. Then I kindly reminded her that she had said after my previous visit that she would call them herself since I couldn't get through the first time. She reminded me that it was MY responsibility and then I reminded HER that she needn't speak to me as if I'm a child and that she doesn't know quite how mentally unhealthy some of the clients there might be so she should take that into consideration before being so rude. I further decided to let her know that even if I did have coverage for that office I wasn't sure I'd be returning anyway because the stress that I'm put through by the office personnel was undoing any good that the counsellor was doing and that I would write the Dr. in charge of the practice to let him know my opinion on the matter.

She then became quite friendly and found a way to bill the insurance so that the coverage would work for me, wasn't that nice?  We rescheduled for Thursday of next week. I bet she thinks I'll forget by then.

There better not be a no-show for today, but if there is, I'll probably just pay it to make it go away. Unless I'm pissy again. Oh, lucky her. Aunt Flo should be arriving just about then.

I didn't wanna do it.

But I did.

I woke up this morning in my usual grumpy mood, weighed in (no change since yesterday) and started getting the fam ready for the day. Put kid on the bus and Sweetie was almost out to work. Usually I would wait until he's gone before I'd do anything, trying to stay out of his way.

Today was different. Today I decided I was just going to exercise instead of hanging around to be available  in case he "needed" me. I mean, really, he's almost 40 years old. I think he can get ready by himself.  So then, what to do? Well I didn't want to exercise or clean, that's for sure. Then I decided to think about what I'd say to BFF if she was having that attitude. So, I put in a load of laundry and turned on the Wii. I walked 1.2 miles in a half hour. I now have only 1,001 items left to build on my rythm island (Walk It Out).  I feel SO much better now. Hey you - yeah you, the one in the lousy mood! I'm talkin' to you! Go exercise for 10 minutes and see if it helps. I don't care if you don't wanna. Just do it.

I have a counselling appointment today but will probably call and cancel. I think that I can get more mental health through accomplishments like exercise and housework today and I don't have anything pressing to discuss. I don't think he'll miss me.  I can't tolerate the awkward silences while  he sits there and waits for me to come up with some crazy to talk about, not when I have so much I want to do and so little to talk about. There! I've justified it. Once a month is probably plenty for now.

Breakfast was my daily Pepsi and a sweet & salty granola bar. lunch will probably be a sandwich unless I get ahold of my friend to treat her for her birthday yesterday. I haven't seen her for a while and am jonesin' for some Nicole time! Even then, I will keep it light.

wrong side of the bed

Woke up with a sense of dread. Today's the counselling appointment. I'm not looking forward to it. I don't want to be alone with this guy picking through my brain. I don't want to do the hard stuff. I want to avoid, avoid, avoid!

But, I'll go. I'll do it. It needs to be done. It won't kill me. I'll survive.

But still, I don't wanna.