Healthy Schmealthy

Honey Badger Don't Care

2011-10-11T10:31:00.000-04:00

I did post today, but not here. Seemed more appropriate for the Insaney blog. Thanks to those who check in and comment once in a while. I feel like I've let people down - most of all myself. There's hope.

97 days

2011-08-15T08:13:00.000-04:00

That's how long it had been since my last weigh-in.

and I gained 30.2 lbs in that time. Goes to show you that it's much easier and quicker to gain than to lose. 60% of my hard work has been undone due to my complete lack of focus.

I put in the Walk It Out game and the batteries in the WiiFit board were dead right away . . . .so here's hoping the super high read was due to the batteries failing. I doubt it though. Probably has a lot more to do with ice cream for dinner last night.

So I did about 10 minutes on WIO and could've gone longer physically, but mentally I'm just not quite ready to push myself the way I need to on that. Don't want to overdo it and psych myself out.

Ugh, no wonder putting shoes on has become such a chore.

Need to turn this slow moving barge around

2011-08-14T08:08:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm really going to have to start taking care of myself before all my hard work is undone. I can barely button my jeans and I refuse to buy bigger sizes. The only other option is to become a nudist and nobody wants that. Nobody.

I haven't weighed myself in forever. I know that the daily weighing in is motivational for me. I have eaten some of the most delicious food in the last few months. And enjoyed it thoroughly. I have to get back into the mindset that pleasure is not number one priority when nourishing my body.

Pain. Ugh the knees are killing me. My back is sore almost all the time. Time to dust off the Wii and find the "Walk It Out" game.

I'm gonna start slow and ease myself into it. School starts soon and it will be an emotional time. Soon after Kiddo will enter the double digits. Oh yeah, and a doctor appointment.

Mental work, doing well - weight loss . . . eh.

2011-06-20T03:39:00.000-04:00

Emotionally, spiritually . . . . I've been feeling rather well lately. I haven't been online as much to post, but the brain is working all the time. I've had days where I see that I could slip into another depression, or that the anxiety is taking over - but most days clear thinking is on my side. That said, nobody should be up at 3 am posting on a blog.

Weight loss has not been my top priority, I admit. There are no valid excuses. It's just not fun. Not everything I do has to be fun, though, so it's time to grow up and make good choices. Even if it's little choices each day, until they build up to great big good habits. I know what to do, time to take Nike's advice.

struggley strugglerson

2011-05-16T18:02:00.000-04:00

For those who have been unable to find my beekeeping blog the address is here:

http://drakeslandinghoney.blogspot.com/

That said, there isn't a lot going on there. I have a lot of updating to do just like I do here.

Tomorrow I go and visit the pulmonologist. I'm not excited about this meeting because I don't think I'm using the CPAP machine enough. I've been having a difficult time making good choices all around. Food wise, movement wise, sleep wise. No excuses, just not doing it. I can't really explain why except that it's all mental. I know that any "special circumstances" I could come up with wouldn't justify the fact that I simply don't make good choices to take care of myself and my body well.

Sometimes I think all hope is lost, maybe I'm just too mentally ill or something and won't ever be able to pull it all together. I try not to listen to that damaging self talk but I look around at my house that is a disaster and my half-mowed lawn and my relationships and I think - yeah, whatever. I try to stuff that evil genie back down into it's bottle and go on, though, and it's an ongoing struggle. It all comes down to impulse control. I do have a lot of good days where I feel happy and I love my life it isn't as if I'm completely depressed all the time. I have lots of friends, a great home, and a tolerable family. SO why can't I just do what I know I need to do to make myself healthy?

Must get focused.

checking in

2011-04-29T08:35:00.000-04:00

I read The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz recently and am incorporating as much as I can into my daily life. Look here in the near future for reflections on how they apply to health and wellness.

My mind is so distracted and disorganized lately. I've got to gain the focus I had 6 months ago. I really miss reading everyone's blogs, and yet I can't justify spending so much time online.

I really should weigh myself.

See today's post on my writing/opinion blog and tell me what you think.

Weather related woes

2011-04-19T15:49:00.000-04:00

Lots of stressful stuff going on here and yesterday - the sky had the nerve to drop snow on us. No accumulation so it wasn't too bad, but the very idea of it irritates me. It looks like the rest of the week will be wet, cold, and gloomy.

I haven't weighed myself or done much productive health wise.

Weather is yucky, but Easter candy is yummy...

I have tons to do before my inlaws get moved into our old house for the summer months. And did I mention, the weather is yucky?

Pffft

2011-04-10T21:07:00.002-04:00

Today I was asked by a friend I don't see very often how my lifestyle change is going. I can't remember my exact response but I think it was something like "pffft".

well . . .that coulda been a lot worse

2011-03-31T07:52:00.000-04:00

I weighed myself today - for the first time in a loooooooooooooong time. Like maybe 2 months. I was scared. I finally told myself this morning, things like "it is what it is, whether you know it or not" and "knowledge is power." I was sure it would be +15 at the worst, so seeing the +4, especially just before ovulation . . . what a relief.

Today my plan is put the kid on the bus, play Walk It Out for at LEAST 30 minutes, shower, and then work on cleaning the master bedroom until hubby comes home for lunch. After that I pick up Kiddo early from school and take her to the doctor for some kind of creepy zit/skin infection (probably MRSA says my anxiety voice) on her ear.

Fruit Binge!

2011-03-29T19:11:00.000-04:00

I've been so disappointed in any fresh fruit that I've bought lately. I mean seriously - NONE of it tastes like a paczki! But today I made a special trip to Giant Eagle to raid their produce department. Now we have strawberries, peaches, grapes, kiwi, and cuties - enough fiber to make Patrick proud.

So if you can't find me . . . I'll be either in the kitchen or the potty.

The sun was shining a lot today - I ordered 8 lbs of Russian honeybees with 2 queens for the hives we intend to set up. Our new pets will arrive in mid-may. We have lots of names to decide on.

quick check-in

2011-03-27T23:12:00.000-04:00

A lot of my focus and research has been on beekeeping lately. It's a small way we can begin to help give back to the planet and possibly, eventually make some honey! I've started a new blog and also reopened my old writing blog that I started before this one. I feel my interests have been too narrow for the past year, and that is contributed greatly to some horrendous bouts of depression. I'll continue all of my blogs periodically, although not promising daily posts on any of them.

Aside from some bothersome joint pain some not getting enough sleep because I'm completely ignoring that little ol thing called "bedtime," things are going ok. Well, some shit happened, but I won't bore you with that. At least not right now. The main thing is that life is good, spring is springing, and my family is healthy.

When the pond warms up and I'm back to my daily exercise, the pounds will be melting off again. until then, the Wii is my workout friend again because my gym closed w/o notice. I really need to sign up for those 5K's I keep talking about.

Lens

2011-03-26T23:35:00.000-04:00

Still reading the Geneen Roth book and thinking a lot about the need to feel special, protected, and saved. I'm trying to learn to slow my mind-freak down to a dull roar and pay attention to what's really happening in the now and trying not to focus on things that are beyond my influence. I've talked about "wanting" before and how I need to find a way to minimize the wants in my life. I realized in my reading this week that one thing that I want, have always wanted, is for people to know the REAL me. And my biggest frustrations (especially lately) have come when that want has been interfered with. Discovering that my sister has been maligning my character for 30 years, one friend seeing me as nagging & self centered, and another one accusing me of "coming down on" her kid too hard when in reality I had been trying to find out if my kid had said something offensive . . . way back to when teachers assumed I'd have the same personality as my older siblings in elementary school. Anyhow: The lesson? People are going to see me (and the world) through whatever lens they are looking through - a lens that is smudged, shaped, cracked, and even distorted through their own experiences that have nothing to do with me. What can I do with this realization? I can understand that it just as well applies to me looking back at the rest of the world. This lens is all scratched and chipped, cracked down the middle with a big wad of duct tape holding it together. I need to polish it up or get a new one. It's an ongoing project.

Also, it's been one crazy-ass week and I'm tarred!

A bit of good news today, but I'm afraid to share it or I'll jinx myself. Ends up I have time to blog tonight, but I'm super duper sleepy.

Here's an analogy that I can sink my teeth into

2011-03-23T19:33:00.001-04:00

"Obsession is a form of autism, a way to cover our ears and block out the background noise, a way to protect ourselves when teh situation feels vulnerable or dangerous or anxiety producing. Obsession is a way to change the channel when you don't like what's barreling across the screen of your mind."

Exactly! Eating, shopping, blogging, exercising, playing video games . . . it's all away of self-soothing or AVOIDING which is my habit.
So, can you guess what author said that . . . and what book? First correct guess gets the book free from Amazon courtesy of me.
(Sorry - Pam and Mandy not available for prize because they know the answer.)

Cancer

2011-03-16T22:49:00.000-04:00

I know I've mentioned it before, but I really adore this woman, my BFF.

Go to this website
http://www.tv26.net/AAFC/AAFC.htm

Click on the St. Baldrick's link and watch the whole video. It's not high-tech and the people are clearly not all professionals, but the heart and love oozing from it is incredible. Pure, pure goodness I tell ya. If you are not moved by these people, you are one tough cookie. Mmmmmm. .. . cookie.

The event in that tiny rural town has so far raised over $8,000.00! Can you believe it!?!? We are that much closer to finding cures for childhood (and other) cancer. Bless these wonderful volunteers and especially my Goddess friend of scalp fuzz.

More about the event and donations here:
http://www.stbaldricks.org/events/mypage/eventid/4276/eventyear/2011

And if you have a dollar or two . . . I know it will be well spent by conributing to the cause.

(PS - no I am not in the videos. I am very stealty with my camera avoidance.)

Forces of the universe conspire against me.

2011-03-15T07:09:00.000-04:00

That has to be it, since I am the center of all that exists.

My goal today was three miles on the treadmill after seeing what I could do on the eliptical. But, I have a sick kid again and so will be staying home. I'm determined to use Walk It Out for my three miles which will probably be much easier. The trick will be making kid REST while I'm doing it instead of playing along.

Peer Pressure workout

2011-03-14T10:40:00.000-04:00

I promised myself today that I was going to walk on a treadmill for 1.6 miles which I'm told is half of a 5K. I want to sign up for some 5K's coming up, even if just to walk them. I won't do it though until I can prove to myself that I CAN walk that far. Once I prove that, I may just go ahead and invest in an iPod and get the C25K app so I can learn to run that far. Maybe.

I think it's been since January since I was working out daily. I've done a little here and there, but nothing to sustain the muscle that I had attained. Saturday we went to a nearby university for Kiddo to participate in a Youth Olympics. I brought my knitting in my backpack along with a few other items and I was SORE from carrying that around all day. I found myself wanting to sit down - a lot. I found it a bit difficult to get up off the floor after sitting down. 3 months ago that wouldn't have been the case.

This morning I hauled my paczki laden hips out to the gym right after Kiddo got on the bus. My belly was hurting from yesterday's abuse and I was tired from staying up reading my Picoult novel and the time change. Fat lady in my mind was saying "stay home, take a nap!" but I really really wanted to see my big city girlfriends so I went before I could get comfortable at home. Once I was there, I realized it was a half hour before school started for them. Oh well, I thought, At least I will see them in passing and get to chat a little on my way out. But when I got to 1.5 mile and the treadmill beside me opened up and my friends joined me, we had such a fun time talking that I lost track of time. My legs eventually began aching so I slowed down a tiny bit when I would've normally quit and gone home. I reminded myself that a bit of discomfort wouldn't do me any harm - look at the people on Biggest Loser who work out until they hurl. Nasty.

Discomfort morphed into pain and finally the other girls wanted to quit and lift weights. I looked at my workout summary and was amazed.

My goal for tomorrow? 3 miles.

As I progress, we'll see more photos illustrating incline. Baby steps my friends - baby steps.

My back feels AWESOME.

I came home at ate a banana. I'm still hungry so I might go find some walnuts or almonds to nosh on while I start working on my hideous to-do list.

I've taken vitamins 2 days in a row thanks to Spunkysuzi's challenge.

I'll try to get a better quality photo next time.

GIGO

2011-03-14T06:53:00.000-04:00

Garbage in, garbage out

I'm not proud of what I ate yesterday, including movie popcorn for lunch. This morning I am paying for it. I had forgotten what it was like to make myself sick. And this is how I used to feel almost every day when I ate whatever tasted good. I told myself back then that I just had a sensitive stomach. Today I am reminded that if I eat garbage, I produce some pretty horrible garbage myself. I just hope it's out of my system quickly so I can hit the gym after kiddo gets on the bus. Ugh.

Let's get Physical!

2011-03-13T21:21:00.000-04:00

My friend posted the old music video for Olivia Newton John's old song, "Let's Get Physical". Have you seen it lately? I do NOT remember it like I saw it when he posted it on my wall. I laughed SO HARD. Much different perspective on it than I had 20 years ago, that's for sure.

But tomorrow is my first day back at the gym. I'll go every day but Wednesday, unless something else comes up. If we have another snow day . .. the kid is coming with me and going in the daycare. She'll be allrye.

Parenting for emotional health

2011-03-12T23:08:00.000-05:00

More than a little background:

9 year old daughter has a mentor that she ADORES. Make that had. She was an important part of her life for about maybe 4 to 5 months - a long time for a 9 year old. She'd known this gal before, but became really involved with her, seeing her every week for those few months. She really looked up to her, emulated her, and thought of her as a big sister. She wanted to go to her college, dress like her, be like her. Not stalky, just a kid looking for a role model. So a while back Mentorgirl said with the new busy semester, she needed a couple of weeks before she could decide if she had time for their meetings. No big deal. I got a busy kid with lots and lots of activities and interests. A lot ot the reasons we were driving the half hour for these meetings was to give Mentorgirl the experience, to keep her from feeling quite as homesick away from her family for the first time, and be supportive of people we considered friends-of-the-family.

Yes, we obviously got a lot out of it as well. So after a few weeks, Mentorgirl contacts me and asks when we can start up again. She misses Kiddo and wants to start up again. I told kiddo and she was all excited about it. She's pulling straight A's so I figured squeezing in another activity was okay. I responded to her request, giving her our current schedule and asking if she had any time free that would work. My excited kid reminds me some time later, that we never scheduled anything, so I ask again. Still no response. I have a 4th grader who is really excited about this. You know how that can be. So I see on facebook that she's gonna be in town and I ask her to stop by . . . timing didn't work out. The next thing I know, I get a nasty message from her mother telling me that I'm nagging her daughter, putting too much pressure on her, making her life uberstressful or something like that. So yeah, I got defensive. I don't think I was out of line for expecting her to respond, especially when she was the one who opened the can of words in the first place. Not only is it disprespectful and immature . . . it's affecting my kid and Mama Bear no likie that! I mean, seriously, if she had just told me that she was too busy, I would've been ok with that.

When trying to reason with MentorMom, I get nowhere. She refuses to see that she's hurting my kid. Pretty much flat out tells me that she doesn't care about anything but her own kid and she really doesn't have to care about anybody else's feelings, even if they are her friends. I emailed MentorGirl, apologized for misunderstanding, expressed my suprise that MentorMom came out of nowhere swinging and offered to come down for a visit at her convenience and treat her to dinner off campus. What do you think happened next? MentorMom went into her kid's account and deleted that email. I know this, because she told me so, adding that it was not her idea of an apology. A coupla weeks later, with my daughter in tears, I made a last-ditch effort and texted MentorGirl about meeting up with her. I guess I just wasn't ready for my kid to learn that some people are just self-absorrbed and rude. I wanted to give this family one last chance. Do you think I got a response? No, I did not.

I meditated on this for a while, discussed it with my husband. We decided that we would just be civil and ride it out for Kiddo's sake. I hid her on facebook so I wouldn't be tempted to respond to something that would offend her since it seemed to be suddenly happening all-the-time. Also, we had friends in common and with MentorMom's attitude might cause those to be lost if we totally cut ties. After a while, she seemed to be friendly again and started commenting and joking around again, so I unhid her. Until Now. Recently she had begun to pick fights on facebook, with snarky comments about anything I said on mutual friend's posts. I'll admit it, I took the bait the other day and snarked back. Then I thought it was pretty unfair of me to fuel the fire on this other friend's facebook page, so I went back and deleted it. Know what she hated? That I drive a fuel-efficient car. That's right, I invest in quality vehicles instead of over priced under quality American vehicles and that pisses her off for some reason, mainly that her husband works for one of the Big Three. Same plant that my father retired from, actually. My offensive comment was that I was more of a big picture kind of gal. but like I said, I deleted it.

Next thing I know, she's sending a bitchy email telling me she's done "compromising her definition of friendship' or some vague snark and blocks me from her facebook and BOTH of her daughters' as well. So, okay . . . whatever . . I had already been over here blogging to blow off steam. Maybe she read that. Or her friends did > I really don't care. She was being nasty and I had a right to be upset. Oh, and now? she's really being mean . . . just digging and digging at me on her facebook page and how wonderfully glad she is to be rid of somebody with such different values and morals. I'm glad her life is so much better. If she likes friends who never challenge her to question herself, or to grow intellectually or emotionally, that's her perogative, right? I'm better off. This is not the problem I'm looking at.

She does this passive agressive general vague bait-posting every time she has a disagreement with anybody. The MO is that anybody that doesn't agree with her is "junior high" and shes' so "over it". She likes to try to get people to message her privately so that she can stir up more BS. You know the type? Yeah, me and her, we got mutual friends. Some of these friends I've had my whole life.

So now the hard part . . .the parenting part. The part I care about. I have to try to explain this to my kid. I have to find a way to be honest and yet not completely damage her emotional health. I'm interested in your thought and advice on the matter. I'm usually pretty good at wording things for other people, but I'm too close and too emotionally involved to do it for my own kid right now. She's gonna be sad. Mama bear no likie when cub-girl sad.

Treating myself/my friend

2011-03-11T21:46:00.000-05:00

Although I've been feeling much better, you can tell I'm still not "focused" on blogging. I am treating myself to some fiction these days before diving into the newly released Geneen Roth book. I'm reading the brand new Jodi Picoult novel on my Kindle and I am.loving.it. I intend to emerge on the other side of this fiction binge any day now and also knit a baby blanket or two in the meantime. I also fully intend to hit the gym Monday morning and later in the day go see my BFF and her newly shaved head.

I can't tell you how proud I am of her. It's not just that she's raising tons of money and having her own head shaved. She actually is organizing the event, recruiting other shavees and, collecting donations for a silent auction. She has no fear. I adore her. She's making a difference in the world and helping kids that she doesn't even know. I love you, dude!

so much for spring

2011-03-11T09:39:00.000-05:00

Two hour delay today - so no gym time for me. I'll be hittin the Wii later for sure though! Other good news: no more paczki reside in my house. Sweetie was kind enough to eat them up and most of the girl scout cookies too. He is so good to me. I love him.

I can't believe the beautiful snow that was dumped on us after our pond was finally all melted and the ducks had begun to nest. And their food is covered with snow now. I hope they can find it. I took some pictures of the loveliness this morning and will try to get time to come back and share them with you later.

In other news, some people are just bitches. They are ALWAYS looking to be offended by something or start a fight. They can't look past their own little world far enough to muster compassion for other living things or care about the impact of their actions/choices on others. These are the kinds of people I know I need to elminate from my life and yet . . . I don't want to make trouble. WTF is up with that? I'm sure it's not healthy, this unreasonable attachment to toxic people. Sometimes, they are friends of friends and I'll run into them from time to time IRL it makes it really awkward for me. Why am I afraid of a little discomfort? What is it that I think is going to happen? Am I waiting for them to dump me first? I really need to surround myself with positiveness and light, not selfishness and small mindedness. I don't need to worry about snarky comments from others or what they're going to say about me. And really? Who the hell cares what Defiance, Ohio thinks about me anyway. Know what? I think I'll use this to motivate me to work out harder today! Anger is a good fuel.

Hope

2011-03-10T14:13:00.000-05:00

There's a pair of mallard ducks that has been taking a tour of our yard today. I think they are scouting out a good nesting area because when they're not wandering around checking out all the nooks and crannies of the yard, they are busily mating on the pond. Hey you two! I swim in that pond!

There is also a pair of Canada geese swimming around out there but when they aren't swimming they are pooping on the dock. Or, as they refer to it - the poopdeck. Yesterday we had a pair of mergansers as well, but I'd be suprised if they come back. Tried to get some photos but they are little guys and you can't get very close to them.

There's still some snow in the yard, and still a sheet of ice floating on a portion of the pond, but it looks like spring will be here soon. I've been doing some research about beekeeping and was hoping to set up a small apiary this year, but I'm still anxious about it. I want to make sure we do everything right and we may not have time to set it all up for this year. We do have honeybees come to drink out of the pond in the summer and there are some hives within a couple of miles. Do I need more things to take care of? Would it be as rewarding and fulfilling as I think it could be?

Oh yeah, I powerwalked at the mall a bit today. Met up with some friends there and had Subway. Was doing really well then when I came home until the Tagalongs got me. Bastards. At least there are only 15 in a box now. Next year I'm just donating money.

MIA

2011-03-09T23:15:00.000-05:00

yes I've been MIA lately. I think I found a new "rock bottom" to my ongoing emotional crises. It seems there is no end sometimes. I will think I'm going along fine and nothing can knock me down off my pedestal and then WHAM! Deeper than ever before.

But I'm feeling better - doing for other people instead of wallowing in self pity. Can't say I'm really proud of how I've been treating my body lately. Must do better. MUCH better.

Sorry I haven't been reading blogs for the most part either. Wallowing takes up a lot of time.

I can't control what other people think of me. I must come to grips with that. People will be wrong. People are wrong lots of times. Why not be wrong about that, too. It's not fair: it just is.

Fat is NOT Cancer

2011-03-04T12:05:00.000-05:00

I like metaphors as much as the next person. Providing, that is, it's an accurate metaphor. But "fat is cancer" is one that doesn't fall into that category. People who use it are trying to push emotional buttons and stir up controversy. I get it. Apparently, it works to motivate some people.

Obesity is a serious disease. There is no doubt about it. But it isn't a disease of the body, it's a disease of the mind. The added bulge is merely a symptom of underlying emotional trauma. It's been shown over and over again that there is no physical treatment for obesity that will work consistently until the underlying mental disorder(s) are resolved. It's not that diets don't work - it's that they don't work all by themselves. No pill is going to cure your obesity. Antidepressants and appetite suppressants might help you lose some weight, but if you can't get your mind into a healthy place, that weight is going to come back again and again. And again. Cancer, on the other hand, is a biological mutation of cells that causes the body to attack itself and destroy organs such as skin, breast, lungs, et cetera. There are many many underlying causes for cancer - most are environmental (ie the chemicals we use on our bodies or that we are subjected to through our air, food, and water). However, even if you live the cleanest life possible, you may end up with cancer. It's a terrible, horrible disease that often strikes without warning or known cause.

Most doctors will treat cancer aggressively, as they should! There are specialists abounding in the field and they will give you the treatment to eradicate your cancer as best they can. For the most part, you can trust them to find a way to prolong your life. If your doctor, however, diagnoses you with obesity - they will most likely expect you to treat yourself. They will suggest and nag, tell you it's very simple, and see you in 6 months or a year to go over it again. If you are making progress with your weight, they will reward you with an "attagirl" and go about their day. If you are struggling they will suggest quick-fix surgeries and diets, almost never counselling unless you are severely severely obese, say 500 lbs. They will tell you what you already know - you need to exercise more and eat less. Perhaps they'll make sure you are taking your anti-depressants. They want us to take it seriously, and yet there is rarely a real treatment plan or referral. If nagging worked, our spouses and parents would've been able to cure us. Medical professionals could do more.

Obesity = disease. The obese individual IS the only person who can cure it but it is nearly impossible to do so without a system of moral support and information. Do our doctors really want us to attain healthy weights? If so, they need to have some serious plans of action for us. They need to refer us to dietitian's and psychologists, trainers, and others before surgeons. They need to see us more often than yearly if they expect to see and maintain any type of progress.

Also, I believe that if you think fat is cancer, you're doing a great disservice to cancer patients who suffer through difficult treatments on a daily basis. My husband is a cancer survivor and is now obese right along with me. We all know that obesity increases the chance of cancer recurrence, heart disease, and a multitude of other diseases and disorders. We know that burning more calories than we take in is the answer. However, if people are unable to deal with the emotional upheaval that is causing them to over eat and under-move, knowledge isn't necessarily power. This doesn't mean that a person is weak or stupid or lazy. This means they need support, both moral and medical. And scare tactics? They rarely work to do anything other than encourage people to dig their heels into the ground and resist.

OK, I'm all kinda all over the board on this post. I could go on and on, but I grow weary and the doorbell just rang.

Posting Promptly

2011-03-03T19:53:00.000-05:00

I like writing prompts. I don't use them all the time, but when I want to blog or write and need some inspiration, they sometimes come in handy. Maybe some of you like them, too. We'll find out. I have a subject that I think would make for great discussion. I would love if some of you blogged about it and then came back here to link up to it. So we can all read one another's take on the subject. At this point, I'm not going to promise to do them on a regular basis, but just put some ideas out there and see what we come up with. I have a lot of ideas I want to explore, but it's more fun if I can see others' opinions as well.

Painie's Posting Prompt #1

Fat is NOT Cancer. Compare and contrast fat to cancer. Is the cancer/fat metaphor offensive to you? How is treatment for obesity different from ot her life-threatening disease?

I'll be mulling this over on my own and will let you know what I come up with. Should you decide to play along, please come and post a link to your blog in the comment section. If this type of thing is a hit, I'll do a linky connection in the future and spruce it up a bit. Maybe I'll even pulll out the graphics program and make a badge and other shiny objects - who knows!

Attention Fellow Book Nerds!

2011-03-01T12:11:00.000-05:00

Chocolate and Vicodin is a must-read. Some great lessons about suffering in there. It's available on both Kindle and Nook so there is no excuse for not getting it today - w/o even leaving the house.

That said, I'm really excited about three books that are coming out this month!

Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult who never fails to move me to tears. It became available today and I'm making myself wait until bedtime to download it in hopes that I can accomplish something before then. Once that book is on my Kindle, I'm a goner.

Lost and Found by Geneen Roth comes out later this month, March 22. I've already got it on my wishlist, though. I learn something about myself every.time.I.read.her.

Land of the Painted Caves by Jean Auel is released March 29. Are you KIDDING ME? I've been hungering for this book for nearly 20 years. I had given up hope that she'd ever write another of the Earth's Children series. The sixth and final book in the collection that began with Clan of the Cave Bear, it is reviewed as being under-plotted. It took 31 years for her to write it, so I'm reading it anyway. I can barely contain myself! What a GEEK! I may just have to reread the entire series to gear up for it. The only series of big-fat books I've read all the way through besides Harry Potter. Oh, and Kirsten - if you're reading - they're kinda dirty so you'd prolly enjoy them.

Haven't had much to say

2011-02-28T22:32:00.000-05:00

But I'll make up for that with a long meandering post today.

Pretty much still off track health-wise.

I get easily overwhelmed by life, as we've all witnessed. Today I accomplished a few tasks that I'd been avoiding and I"m glad they're completed.

Weather has really sucked - lots of snow days- a cancelled Chicago trip, lots of quality time with my wonderful Kiddo.

I'm so proud of her. She has somehow come through with a good heart. With all her snow days, and some kind donations from Auntie Mandy and others, she is making cat toys to be sold at our local no-kill shelter. Proceeds will go to help take care of the kitties until they find their furever homes. She also has a goal of donating $100 cash personally this year AND having all of her bday gifts be supplies for them (she also did this 2 years ago). So I am swollen with pride as well as paczki!

Let me know if you know anybody looking to buy a condo near Univ. of Chicago, it goes on the market tomorrow. We'll be sad to see it go in some ways . . . intended to hold onto it a few more years, but the cash will be nice and allow us to do some of the things we are dreaming of - even if one of them isn't making a profit on IL real estate. The Toledo house is still off the market, looks like Mr & Mrs Sweetie Sr. will be staying there during the warm months and heading to FL with the birds. I am hoping we will get Sweetie to go with us on a trip to FL to see his bro's family some time since there will be another "home away from home" there. So, lots of real estate stuff happenin. Fun times. Stressful times. Completely overwhelming and unfocused times.

Today I went to BMV, 2 post offices, and 2 Clerks of Courts for some errands. Have I ever mentioned how much I avoid things? Anyway, I did all that and finally we can list that condo and I have sent the title to my old jalopy to Volunteers of America. I hope they find good use for it.

I finished reading "Chocolate and Vicodin" by Jennette Fulda and I really enjoyed it. Reading her books makes you feel like you are friends. She has a very personal way of drawing you in. I'm so glad that her aunt Nettie attends my church and introduced me to her books and website pastaqueen.com!

It's paczki season.

2011-02-24T13:22:00.002-05:00

It's paczki season. Be strong, my friends. Be strong.

Banana Bread recipe

2011-02-21T11:02:00.000-05:00

So Suzi's challenge this week is to try a new recipe and I'll probably try at least two. I had three bananas that were in sore need of baking so I pulled out the cute little Cook This, Not That cookbook. Naturally, the recipe required 4 bananas. One quick call to Mrs. Obvious, otherwise known as my BFF Mandy, and I realized doh - use a quarter cup of applesauce to make up for the missing nanner. Because of family preferences I also varied from the recipe in that I left out the walnuts and replaced cinnamon with nutmeg. Here is the original recipe:

4 very ripe bananas
1/2 cup Greek-style yogurt
4 Tbsp melted butter
2 large eggs
1 tsp vanilla
2 cups flour
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup toasted walnuts, coarsely chopped
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp salt

Preheat oven to 350ºF and butter a 9 X 5 loaf pan

Combine bananas, yogurt, buter, eggs, and vanilla in large mixing boal, stirring until blended. In separate bowl, combine together all remaining inggredients. Gently fold dry ingredients into wet mixture and stir until fully incorporated.

Scrape bater into prepared pan. Bake on a low oven rack for about 50 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean. Let cool for 5 minutes and remove from pan.

The best news is that the whole loaf counts as 4 servings. 350 calories 12 g fat each.

Just out of the oven, perfect mid-morning snack. It is super-delicious! I think we may make some more using all applesauce and cinnamon as soon as this is gone. Which shouldn't take long.

Now you'll see why I'm not a professional photographer.

Monday morning check-in

2011-02-21T06:51:00.000-05:00

Weigh in this morning went well, don't .9 is nothing to sneeze at. Continuing to trend downard is a good thing, weight-wise!

James M. was a good CPAP last night, as far as not filling my tummy with air, but yet I'm sleepy this morning. I think I just didn't put enough hours in. Remember when I used to go to bed by 10 pm nightly? Well, those days are down the tubes. I'll have to pull them back out again and brush them off. Might as well start today!

No school for the wee one today. She has friends coming over in the am while their mom teaches at the local community college and then who knows what the day will bring. We were hoping for a trip to Ann Arbor but with the weather the way it is, that's certainly questionable at the moment.

Spunkysuzi's challenge this week is to try a new recipe, blog about it, review it, and take photos. I have 2 I want to try from the Cook This/Not That cookbook so I intend to play along. One was banana bread but I see that one of my over ripe bananas has gone missing. I'm often suprised at what people will eat around here. I bet I could sub some greak yogurt for that missing banana, though!

Fibromyalgia

2011-02-20T22:51:00.000-05:00

Ouch.

It's been so long since I had any fibro pain that I was beginning to think I had imagined it before. You know, it's as if my body's trying to tell me something. what could it be trying to tell me? Hmmm. . ? Perhaps it's trying to tell me to

GET OFF MY BUTT AND MOVE EVERY DAY AND FUEL IT WITH NUTRITIOUS FOOD AND LOTS OF WATER AND SOME FISH OIL SUPPLEMENTS EVEN!!

Seriously, it's been about a year since I even thought about this annoying pain that NSAID's don't touch. I'm sure the lack of exercise and emotional stress are at the heart of my problem.

And this stupid snow. Can I blame it on that? And also, I hate to wear socks. There, I said it. It's out.

Weekend

2011-02-20T07:29:00.000-05:00

James Marsden, the CPAP, let me down. For some reason I woke up at 3:30 with a gut full of air again. I hate that. I'm not sure what I did differently last night from all the other nights we've been sleeping together. He wasn't being very princely though. He must be taking the weekend off.

Yesterday was a day at home doing next to nothing. Sweetie cooked some frozen Stouffer's concoction in the solar oven which was fun, and we did some dishes and laundry. But mostly, we sat around and did a lot of game playing/reading/watching tv. It was nice to loaf around for a change, but I should've squeezed some exercise in there somewhere.

My copy of Chocolate and Vicodin by Jennette Fulda has shipped. So I'm looking forward to finding that in my mailbox some day soon.

Looks like I'll be making a short trip to Chicago over next weekend to do some quick business. I love the city, not so much the driving. I hope we have a chance for some sight-seeing. Kiddo is already begging for the Sci and Ind museum.

lies and the lying liars that lie them.

2011-02-19T07:06:00.000-05:00

Lots of emotional personal stuff going on right now that threatens to take my focus off of my health goals. But I'm going to use the pain to fight the fat instead of feed the fat. That makes for less material to post because my brain is FULL of stuff that doesn't directly effect my health schmealth.

It's a sibling thing. Why won't these siblings just go away, I ask you? It involves a lie that was told over 20 years ago - but I just found out about it yesterday. You might wonder what difference something like that can make, but I guess that depends on the lie, doesn't it? I'll try to give the overview without a lot of detail and then welcome your feedback.

I've always known this sibling is a liar. But I thought there were limits. Apparently not so much. Yesterday on facebook I was chatting with a friend of my sibling. This friend informed me that said sibling had always told people that obvious appearance issues they suffered we a result of my violence when we were tweens. This is untrue. I've never been a violent person or attacked anybody with anything other than words. On a rare occasion I have defended myself but only in instances of extreme pain. But never would I have had the impulse or the strength to cause the damage alleged.

We were born in a small town (a little larger than Seymour, Indiana - feel free to hum that song all day). How many people were told this lie? How many people have believed it all these years and continue to do so? Does it explain why I always felt on the outs?

It doesn't change my life, really, at all. I have a beautiful family and a nice home and lots and lots of friends who love me for who I truly am. It WAS a long time ago. I understand the lie was out of jealousy and from a sick mind tortured from abuse. I really just don't know where to go from here. It doesn't justify ending a relationship with this person or acting out against them. I did write to them and received an apology which is more than I could've expected. Still, that doesn't undo the damage, does it?

Discuss.

Random

2011-02-18T07:04:00.000-05:00

Still trending down on the scale. . . little by little. . .

But still haven't gotten back into the exercise routine. That'll speed things up.

Kiddo has a four day weekend. Seems like she rarely goes to school 5 days in a row.

My mind has been obsessing over some mean-ness from a "friend" that I just can't seem to let go. I just want to stop thinking about it. I don't know what's pissing me off more, the fact that she is so hurtful or the fact that I can't just let it go and move on. I think it's the latter. Forgiveness, Lanie, forgiveness. I can't change what's been said and done. I know that. But why can't I stop thinking about it? Maybe exercise would help.

James Marsden was great last night, but only for 6 1/2 hours. I think I might go spend some time with him.

There are ducks on my front lawn. Idiots, there is a perfectly good pond out back. How am I supposed to sleep with all this quackery about?

Intuition vs. Compulsion, halfi-versary, and more

2011-02-17T14:23:00.000-05:00

How many times have you read or heard somebody say "If I ate intuitively, I'd weigh 500 lbs!" or "Eating intuitively is what got me to nearly 300 lbs in the first place!" or something along those lines?

If you've been following me for long, you know that I have been struggling more with eating the last few weeks. It doesn't matter why - we all have our excuses and our times when we struggle more than others. I've been eating for entertainment which is the hardest habit for me to break. Yes, I love food -yummy yummy food that isn't good for me. Yes, I find comfort in eating what i want. And when I feel "blah" for whatever reason, I am compelled to eat and eat and eat said yummy, fattening food because that's what I want to do in the short term. That's what compulsion is all about - satisfying urges for short-term pleasure as opposed to using your intellect and determining what it is we really want out of our food and out of our lives as a whole.

Setting aside the compulsion and focusing on what we know is eating right is at the center of every one of our "diets" or attempts at healthy living. We have to make ongoing choices and sometimes circumstances make those choices more difficult than others. It's okay to have setbacks as long as we don't let them become a way of life. Replacing the compulsion to eat with other compulsions isn't going to lead us to where want to be either. Working things through, keeping your intuition keen and sharp, that's where it's at. And that's what we all work to do every day to make our lives better and longer.

My scale says down .6 today.

I went to the dentist unmedicated, had a fun time with the Dr. and staff & feel no pain despite my replaced fililng

As of today, I've been married 19 1/2 years. Happy Half-iversary to us! Yes, I still love him. And the feeling is mutual. I mean, really - what's not to love?

That reminds me. I've named my CPAP! From here on he will be known as James Marsden. Why? Because I look forward to sleeping with him nightly and he makes me HAPPY! And what's not to like about that?

Know what I hate? Paying bills, but that's not what I want to talk about. Keeping secrets. Especially fun suprise secrets can be really hard. So don't tell my kid, ok, but her godmother and I have something up our sleeves for this fall that's going to be very exciting for her. Can you keep a secret? We're going to see Taylor Swift in concert and do a tour of all of Taylor's favorite places as featured in her Us Magazine Special Edition. Whew. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

Disappointment

2011-02-15T07:13:00.000-05:00

Well, today's my quarterly check-in with the Dr. I think we should go back to bi monthly. She's going to be disappointed (as am I) with my lack of progress.

Back up .4 this morning. No big deal, still down from Sunday .. . will do a little better every day until I'm doing great.

Sleep is going well. Now I need to get Kiddo up and ready for school. More later.

Scaling it down

2011-02-14T06:28:00.000-05:00

Yesterday somebody implied that SpunkySuzi's challenge had cured me of my scale addiction.

Um, no. It REKINDLED it! Hooray Suzi! It's just what I needed!

Now I've been on the scale 2 days in a row just like I need to be after a long hiatus. Down .7 pounds today is good news for me. I still have a lot of damage to undo from my slothful "eating for fun" ways over the last month or so, but I'm heading in the right direction now. Progress, not perfection!

Sweetie had to leave in the middle of the night (ok, 5:30 am) today but by the looks of it he had a fun time at the candy store while we were at church yesterday. I think this may be the first time in my life I received a beautiful box of chocolates. Luckily, it's pretty enough that I'm not too tempted to open it.

You should see the stack of goods he got for kiddo. He went a little crazy! Coincidentally, we won't see him again until 8 pm or so - just in time for him to scrape her off of the ceiling!

Happy Valentine's Day. I hope you're feeling as loved as I am. :-)

Progress not Perfection, Using Powers for GOOD instead of EVIL

2011-02-12T23:21:00.001-05:00

Earlier this week, I read on some wonderful blog about looking for "Progress not Perfection." I intended to save the spot so that I could refer back to it when I had the time to write out my blog post. But, I've lost track of it. (Please let me know if it was you so I can link back to you!)

At any rate, one of the reasons I shy away from setting goals is because I (now, IRL friends will laugh) have some perfectionistic ideals. It's TRUE Mandy, sh'up. However, I rarely have the motivation to meet said ideals so I often end up disappointed in myself. Working with intuitive eating, however, allows me to track progress without setting myself up to miss perfection. As long as the scale is trending downward, then I'm glad. It's not a race. It doesn't matter if people are doing better than me or worse than me - in fact there is no 'better' or 'worse' there is only different. I need to be able to be supportive of others w/o comparing myself to them. I think I was doing pretty well on that until BFF started enjoying her workouts and then go way ahead of me on Walk It Out. Bitch can't let me win at anything.

Just now I read on Dr. Fatty's blog something that got me thinking. Here is some of my response to her. It's a good question that you pose, though, and it really got me thinking! I don't have a lot of positive food memories. My mom isn't a good cook (really - who can ruin Kraft Mac & Cheese or mached potatoes?), and mealtimes were always stressful because I was a picky eater and would rather not be around the table with my scary family. Even on the rare occasion that we went to a restaurant I'd be completely stressed out and anxious because if I didn't like what I ordered, i would be in trouble for wasting money.

Now that I've thought that out, it makes sense that I can't handle strict retrictions on my food intake. Discovering how to eat and enjoy food was a great power-up for me as a young adult. Now I need to use that power for good instead of evil! Thanks for making me think that out!

So, it's back to using my powers for good instead of evil. I can stop choosing junkfood and start choosing life. Who's with me?

Ready. Set. GO.

Random

2011-02-11T13:23:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling taller today. Could it be the increased sleep efficiency? Or maybe I lost some weight overnight. Thanks to SpunkySuzi I will never know for sure, though. At least she has successfully gotten me to obsess about the scale again. Maybe she should outlaw salads next week!

Yet another reminder call for a doctor's appointment that wasn't in my PALM. This time I've double booked myself but luckily Sweetie said he would cover for me at the other appointment since he took the day off to make up for being away on Valentine's Day. awwww . . .

Big weekend coming up and we are smashing all kinds of activities into it. Tonight kiddo has drawing class and a really cool drop-off event and one of the funnest kid places in the area so moms and dads can have a date night. I just love it and she'll have a great time with some of her favorite girlfriends. Sweetie and I might check out the newest downtown locality in our little burg if he can get off work in time.

Tomorrow while Sweetie's working I'll probably take Kiddo to the cat show. We are becoming more involved with "Crafting for Kitties" and some of our wares will be sold to benefit the no-kill shelter. My kid is cat-obsessed so she will be in seventh heaven. Tomorrow night one of her long-time friends is in a musical production called "Wonka" which should be fun. I'm hoping we can still get ticktes.

Sunday we'll have to zoom to our hometown and meet up with my mom and sis so they can spoil Kiddo. I should finish sis's scarf I'm knitting today or tomorrow to take along. I can't wait until it's done. My next project is picked out already - it's just a washcloth that looks like good practice for some different stitches.

Apnea report

2011-02-10T15:19:00.000-05:00

Long story short.

I've been mostly dead all night.

Severe sleep apnea 55.2 average events per hour, or 93.9 events per hour on my back.

Those are the results of the 2 sleep studies I had in December.

30 events is considered "severe" and increases chance of serious heart disease by 50%

No wonder I'm so freaking tired.

I don't want anybody giving me shit about being lazy or needing a nap ever again.

Dammit.

So we only have 2 days of data with the new machine but it appears to be a great improvement.

I am never to lay down without it, though.

Something about each time I sleep w/o it I'm training my brain into "central sleep apnea" which is an instability of the body's feedback mechanisms that control respiration. So yeah, I'm too stupid to know when to breathe and if I don't have the mask on telling me when to breathe . . . it'm going to get stupider and deader.

Anyway, last night's sleep wasn't as good as before, but it's much better than it had been. No changes were prescribed and Dr. will see me again in 3 months. He said I only got 5 1/2 hours of good sleep the night before and I'm a little worried how great I'll feel if I actually end up getting 8 good hours of sleep on a nightly basis.

I'm sleepy.

It's a new record!

2011-02-09T07:35:00.000-05:00

I slept six and a half hours straight last night! YIPPEEE! I think maybe we've got it!

Stupid shit I did.

2011-02-08T23:05:00.000-05:00

Why do I join these damn challenges? Because every once in a great while, they actually work for me. Darn that Spunkysuzi and her crazy ideas! When I'm on track, I weigh in every day. It's been probably a coupla weeks since I last weighed. But this week, Suzi challenged us all to stay off the scale for the week and I thought - why not? I'm already avoiding it, how hard can it be? Well, dammit! I've felt the incredible draw of the Wii Fit weigh in ever since. And if that's not bad enough, I started reading Tim Ferriss' Four Hour Body and apparently he is a big fan of the daily weigh-in as well. Hmph. Well, I can tell you this. I don' t like it, but I'm going to try to stick to the challenge.

Remember that good eating day I had yesterday? Well today I made up for it. I'm not going into great detail, but I do want to share that I payed for it dearly almost immediately afterwards. My advice: if you haven't been eating greasy food much don't assume that even a little KFC "will be okay" just this once. Holy mother of all indoor plumbing! Pain.and.ful.

Meatless Monday!

2011-02-07T22:06:00.000-05:00

Broccoli, onions, olive oil, Tuscan seasoning, gnocchi & parmesan for dinner. YuMmY!

Lunch - cheese & crackers

Snack - 3/4 cup rainbow sherbet

breakfast - Sweet & Salty (almond) bar + Dr. Pepper

So I made it through another meatless monday.

I have a sick kid so it was tempting to do chicken noodle soup instead for dinner, but she kept me on track and asked for broccoli and gnocchi. The kid loves the double Cs.

Happy Monday!

2011-02-07T08:37:00.000-05:00

I intend to enjoy this Monday at home. Alone. By myself. Quietly.

Sure, sure . . . the Lowe's people will probably call and inform me that our custom-made door is in. that'll be nice to schedule the rest of my week. Door in, then alarm system. Hopefully we will hear from the heating specialist today as well. I'm really hoping to keep all these repairs from the break-in under five thousand dollars. Sweetie is keen on getting some new hyper efficient solar doodads added to the bill, but I think he'll change his mind once he sees how much we minimally have to put down. Of course, if you're going to do something like that I suppose this would be the time. I just hate letting go of money for something non-fun.

Lots of laundry to catch up on today. Everybody was scrambling to find a pair of matching socks this morning. I would've done a lot yesterday but I ended up going on an impromptu road trip to Ann Arbor (M - Go Blue!) to a tiny art gallery with a friend I don't usually get to spend time with. We had a blast.

Reading, centering, trying to get my head in the right place. Those are my goals, in addition to laundry, today. Probably a little napping too as I slept lousy last night. I haven't decided yet whether or not I'm looking at the forecast. It might be too depressing.

Do a little better each day and eventually you'll be doing fantastic things again. This is what I tell myself. What are you doing this lovely Monday?

Read with me!

2011-02-06T23:17:00.000-05:00

I've purchased a few new books on the Kindle . . . . anybody want to read with me?

Four Hour Body by Tim Ferriss
Unclutter Your Life in One Week by David Allen
Getting Things Done by David Allen

Now don't get me wrong - I'm not under the impression that any or all of these three books are going to change my life but they do seem like interesting reads. And because I don't have enough crying in my life, I also got this Single Selection
Leaving Home by Jodi Picoult

So, what do you think of these books? Have you read them? Heard any reviews? Anybody wanna read along with me?

CPAP update

2011-02-04T10:16:00.000-05:00

Sorry - I forgot that I owe you all an update on the CPAP.

It's been since Monday that I've been using the nasal pillows instead of the full face mask. I must say that it is infinitely more comfortable. However, it still takes about 4 hours to fill my stomach with air. At which point I am so uncomfortable that I don't want to mess with the thing the second part of the night. I'm toying with the idea of asking to reduce the air pressure and see if that helps. It can't be good for a stomach to be pumped full of air nightly. Ugh. Maybe I should fill it with ice cream before I lay down!

I think I will try propping myself up more and see if that helps.

Motivation

2011-02-04T09:13:00.000-05:00

I've set myself up today. I invited friends over to knit and visit after lunch. That means I'm really going to have to buckle down this morning and clean up the family room and kitchen. I love it when it's clean but it's been a long time now. Over a month probably. I'm ashamed to have anybody see it. The living room and entry way are fairly clean, and the dining room is full of laundry (clean, unsorted, on the table) and cardboard boxes for recycling.

I have guilt feelings because I know I should run some errands (recycling?) and do some grocery shopping instead of sitting and visiting with friends in front of the fire. But really - I'll get much more done around the house this morning with the pressure of guests coming over.

There's a big part of me that knows they probably won't end up coming over because it's not a very well organized invitation and really - who doesn't have a dozen better things to do then come sit at my house in front of the fire? I think I'll bake brownies or something. They will be my friends if nobody else shows up. Wait, bad idea.

So the anxiety thing is getting me - but as usual, I purposefully set myself up for it anyway. So, into the shower I go and on with my day. Maybe I will find some healthy snacks to share instead, but I wouldn't count on it unless I go shopping. Which I don't have time for because of the cleaning that needs to be done. Ack!

Looks like school today!

2011-02-03T06:35:00.000-05:00

My workout will be going to our house in the city and shovelling. Or maybe I'll take the snowblower and try to make that work. I've never used it before, but according to Sweetie, it's still quite a bit of work. Not a fancy self-propelled doo dad, but something BIL scored at a rummage sale for $5 many years ago that we never tried to work until yesterday. Thing is, I really don't want the dirty, smelly machine in the car we specifically chose because of it's hauling capabilities.

But, I think there is a neighbor over there that might loan me his better snowblower, so I'm going with that. I'll pay him for the gas, of course. Morevoer, I'll hope he takes pity on me and just does the driveway and I'll shovel the rest.

Later today we have the Global Summit which is an event Kiddo and I are really excited about. With our KIDS FOR PEACE group, we will have a booth showing kids what they can do to help around the world. Other booths will be diverse peoples from our community, and a skype booth set up to where kids can talk to others around the world. What a great opportunity for our little corner of the planet.

Feeling great

2011-02-02T17:15:00.001-05:00

Snow day or not, I feel better than I have for a long while.

There must be some nasty virus around these parts - one symptom is throbbing gums. I thought it was a dental issue having recently had my teeth cleaned. The pressure of my CPAP mask made it worse. I was in tears. Tylenol or Voltaren wasn't touching the pain. It was miserable. I guess it could be sinus-related. Anyway, it's going away now. But Sweetie mentioned today his gums were throbbing. Hmmm. . . I hope he doesn't feel as miserable as I did at it's worst.

I love blogland, but I am extremely behind in my reading. I'm behind in reading my books as well. Still, I keep adding blogs to my list. I should go through and clean some out, but I hate to lose any. NY day I went through and poked at a few that hadn't posted for a while and I'm glad they're back now, even if not regularly. It's so worth the wait. Anyhow, I need to find that awesome blog I had on my favorites that had the monthly weight loss book. There are so many on my list now that I'm having a hard time sorting through. If you can point me in the right direction, I'd appreciate it. Meanwhile, I'll search through my dashboard and see if I can find her that way. It's Juli's Journey. I found her! Yay me!

I've made a few more local friends lately and am really happy to have found the "cool kids" around here. It takes time for friendships to blossom and finally it's happening. Certainly not neurotypical, my sense of humor and lack of grooming can cause assumptions to be made that aren't quite valid. I don't spend a lot of time trying to fit it, but I do very much want to make connections to people. So, even if I've been spending less time blogging, I have been building my support network and making new friendships IRL.

I think I'm taking a Bob Ross painting class in March. Who wouldn't want to learn to make "happy little clouds"? It's on a Friday. I hope my kid has school that day. The more I think about it the more I want to do it.

Kiddo is dining out with friends tonight and I've been having a PJ day. Maybe I can get in some exercise and then change into new jammies. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but hopefully it will be nice enough for the local "Global Summit" which I'm really looking forward to attending and helping with our Kids For Peace group. I'm such a hippie.

I knew it.

2011-02-02T17:03:00.002-05:00

I knew he was a fraud and I knew it could be proven.

http://web.archive.org/web/20060206032006/www.allankleinonadiet.blogspot.com/

Cool Kid!

2011-01-31T16:56:00.002-05:00

http://portionsize.me/

I really REALLY wish I would've watched this BEFORE I filled my gut with greasy chips. wtf was I thinking???? oh yeah, i remember "mmmm. . .chips". But now I feel like hell and understand bulemia. Gross. Ugh.

Anyhow. Watch the kid. He's cool

Busy Monday

2011-01-31T06:38:00.000-05:00

And it's started already!

Sweetie has to be into work at 7 am today - super early for him. Shaving already. I think he might make it! I love that we live so close to work now.

I'm definitely hitting the gym this morning and afterwards I get to go to the medical equipment office and get a different type of CPAP mask. I have high hopes that this one will work. It's been so frustrating trying to get used to the first one.

Then I'm supposed to go do some volunteering - things I would normally do on Wednesday but because of the impending snow dump I'm trying to get them out of the way today.

I'm back to my daily weigh ins. This morning i'm down 2 lbs. For some reason gaining 5 lbs in January seems infinitely more manageable than 7.

I really need to go grocery shopping before school is out as well. I may be able to put it off until tomorrow, but with the ice and snow predicted tonight . . . well, not optimal. We have plenty of groceries so if I don't get to it, it'll be okay - I just wanted to try some new recipes this week and need a few things.

Finally, A good reason to boycott Wal Mart

2011-01-30T23:49:00.001-05:00

I'm all for free enterprise and right-to-work. Union, no union - whatever (my GM Union steward dad is spinnin in the grave).

But this is disgusting and as good a reason as any to boycott a place.

http://nomoredirtylooks.com/2011/01/should-walmart-target-kids-with-cosmetics/comment-page-1/#comment-6000

I won't probably boycott them, but it's a good reason to anyway.

Sunday Funday

2011-01-30T22:22:00.000-05:00

ok, that was sarcasm.

Looks like a big snowstorm heading our way. Most everyone's way really. Maybe not Sue who is winding down summer in Oz, but everyone else.

I picked up Cook This, Not That over the weekend. I'm excited about some of the breakfast recipes. I have to make a shopping list and hope we're not snowed in before I get to the store.

We have this super cool place called The 577 Foundation in our little burb. Among many other very cool things you can recycle books there and get new ones. I hit them up for a coupla cookbooks Friday while my daughter was in a class. Then that night we were invited to a "book swap". Why have I never ever thought of these before? All the kids and parents who wanted to participate brought books to give away and got to take some as well. I am a self-confessed book whore. And if I can get one free. All the better. Mandy will be shocked - I gave up my Jodi Picoult collection (ok most of it) today for the cause. Oh yeah - and the books that aren't picked up, the hostess dontates to the 577 Foundation so it's all good. If I want them back I know where to find them.

Oh my gosh, facebook is FUNNY tonight. Hard to stay in a bad mood with friends who are as ~~freaky~~ ~~weird~~ ~~crazy~~ creative as mine. I look forward to waking up to more craziness like that in the morning before I hit the gym, then do my wed volunteering early because of the storm, then shop all before kiddo gets off the bus. Big day!

So.

2011-01-29T17:44:00.000-05:00

So. My head is still not where it needs to be.

I'm feeling a lot of stress.

I'm not eating well.

I finally made myself do at least a little exercise - ended up 8/10 of a mile on Walk It Out. Not very challenging but I feel a bit less like killing someone at the moment.

Aspie index is high these days and it wears on me. It's not easy. Really not easy at all.

Life goes on. I exercised a little bit today. I'm on my own for dinner - broccoli anyone?

Book swap tomorrow after church. Kid and Sweetie are sledding now. I hope they are safe and having fun. I am doing my best not to be a low-flying helicopter parent . . . I'll hover a little higher. Now off to get my shower at almost 6 pm. Thank goodness for a moment alone. I definitely have needed it after attending to everyone else's problems and feelings this week(s) and then being reminded that other people's problems are worse and that those people actually have family support networks to pitch in. Whatever. Everyone has their own pain. One person's pain doesn't outpain another. We all need support from time to time. Only some of us just do without.

Garaunteed Workout right here.

2011-01-27T21:41:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Cary - one of the ~~hottest~~ funniest guys on the blogosphere for sharing this today. It has changed my life. Turn your sound on.

For more wicked and mostly inappropriate fun, check out Cary's blog at List of the Day

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a workout to do.

stupid post.

2011-01-27T13:48:00.001-05:00

I've not been having a good coupla days. Frustrated with a lot of things and there are so many things on my to-do list that I'd rather just avoid. Things don't seem to work out as I expect, I'm having some tooth pain, throbbish type, and I'm still pissed at the CPAP. I know I need to INSIST trying another mask. This one will work if it has a death grip on me, but it kills my nose and then I can't wear my glasses the whole next day. I guess my broken nose and weak chin just aren't the right shape. Great, why don't they just tell me I'm too ugly for their stupid machine? Dammit. when between all this other stuff I'm supposed to do, can I schedule an appt out there. Seems like I used to have a gym membership too.

But today has been a crazy day. 2 hour late start for school, missed the bus because he came 5 min earlier than expected. Kid left her snowboots at home and apparently didn't re-lock the front door after she opened it to see the bus pull away because the wind blew it open while I was taking her to school and waiting on yet another contractor that never showed up at the other house. Maybe they're afraid of the bad neighborhood? I hear there's been crime there. It's actually a sweet little hood with lots of families and elementary kids, so I'm just jokin. I'm funny like that. A laugh freakin riot today especially.

But guess what? i spent the day yesterday doing for others and today I feel like doing for me. I really want to sit and craft. Knit, stamp, create, wriet, blog, etc. but somebody has to do some chores around here. We have no drinking glasses clean. I've also gotta get dinner prepared to go into the oven because we've got girl scouts tonight and I know if I don't prep ahead then it's going to be too tempty to hit McDonalds on the way home.

And it's cold. Oh yeah, and scouts is outside tonight. stupid badge work. stupid $850 door replacement. stupid vanishing car title, stupid stupid stupid. Stupid's a bad word in our house. My kid once heard me say "that's so fucking stupid" to a friend on the phone and wouldn't talk to me for a few hours because I said "stupid".

dammit. bills to pay too. why can't I get my crap together these days? stupid.

"How to Fix the Obesity Crisis"

2011-01-24T23:31:00.000-05:00

Fresh in today's mail arrived the February issue of Scientific American. Yes, this frumpy housewife enjoys reading about advances in science - you wanna make something of it? Sheesh, I'm totally fed up with you people all classifying me like you do. Oh wait, that's just the voices in my head. Carry on! At any rate, I love me some 'zines and this is one of 'em.

This month's cover story is all about fixing America's obesity problem. Dozens to hundreds of studies have been done, of course, but off all the studies - there are 4 steps that rise to the top of all of them to achieve sustained weight loss. And here they are to you - no charge!

Initial Assessment (how fat are you, what made you this way? what keeps you this way?)
Behavior Shifts (baby steps, small changes in attitude, activity and food intake)
Self Monitoring (weighing in, calorie or carb counting, activity logging, measuring on a regular basis)
Support networks (Weight watchers, friends & family, blogosphere - the more the better)

So, you go to your doctor and weigh in, change your behavior, keep yourself honet , and surround yourself with supportive people. And guess what? Each individual need more or less emphasis on each of these four puzzle pieces based on their own life. Hmmm. . .people have different needs? what? There's not a one-size-fits-all-fatties solution? It take an integrated approach? I know this will be unwelcome news to some bloggers, but hey - don't blame the messenger. Blame the scientists.

Hooray for Monday!

2011-01-24T06:46:00.000-05:00

Hooray for no school delay!

Hooray for eating at LEAST 5 servings of fruit and veggies every day!

Hooray for the diversity of friends in my life!

Hooray for support networks!

Hooray for cats that purr and cuddle!

Hooray for good choices!

Hooray for me!

Hooray for all of us!

Hooray for using a word so often that it begins to lose it's meaning!

HOORAY HOORAY HOORAY!!!!

I no likie weekends.

2011-01-23T15:10:00.000-05:00

So, yesterday was a waste of a day. I spent 5 hours in a heatless house waiting for a contractor from Home Depot that never showed. Then I spoke with the store manager and ended up promising to never to business with his company in my lifetime. Sweetie is at Lowe's right now looking for an alternative. I was angrier last night at HD than I have been with anybody in a long long time. It was not pretty. I was enraged. There WILL be a manifesto written and sent to HD customer service. Once I am calm enough to stop using the most satisfying of all naughty words. It might be a day or two.

I am sick and tired of my flat, lifeless hair today. I don't use "product" in my hair other than JASON fragrance free shampoo and most of the year that works for me. I like to pretend I'm not vain, but this hair is getting on my nerves. (No, Mandy, I will not be shaving my head.)

I'm craving warm cookies and brownies today, right out of the oven. Luckily, I don't have the ambition to make them.

This week will be a full one - supposed to be donating '95 Monte Carlo (my baby!) to charity, getting issues at the "rental" house fixed up fromt eh break-in, volunteering at church, and general getting-the-house-in-order maintenance. I also have to get back in touch with the equip people and see if I can try another mask for the CPAP. Even with the chin strap, this one isn't working.I've lucked out enough 2 days to get a half-night sleep but if it's not consistent, it isn't worth it. I have bruised cheekbones from the tightness of the mask, but any loser and it loses it's seal and makes horrid noises that nobody could sleep through. I'm determined to make the damn thing work.

I wonder when that happened.

2011-01-21T10:24:00.000-05:00

Another tundrariffic day here in N. Ohio. A two-hour school delay means that Kiddo just got on the bus. Yesterday I spent a lot of the day dealing with a break-in at our house in the city. Missing copper pipes means no heat in that house so I got to see my breath which, I suppose, is better than smelling it some days. All secured up for now and nothing of value left to steal anyway, but I'll be meeting lots of new contractors in the coming weeks. Yay. New friends.

We have no idea when the break-in occurred. The last time we can pinpoint that anybody was in the house was around Thanksgiving. The real estate market is as slow here as anywhere else. Lots of families depend on the auto manufacturing and related businesses around here. I drive by every week, make sure the lawn is taken care of, but have been inattentive to the inside. And now it's going to cost me. Gosh, does that sound familiar for some reason?

Going through the day, doing the minimum work to keep myself and my home going, not paying attention to the inside. Trying to keep up outward appearances so that others don't realize the turmoil within. And then suddenly, I noticed I wasn't happy. I'm smart enough to realize that the fat is just an outward symptom of the problem - it's not the source of the unhappiness. It's time to step up to the plate, do the right thing, be diligent and attentive to the details within. I can't keep going on doing the bare minimum and getting by, hoping that bad things won't happen to me due to the neglect.

When the house is vacant, left unattended and vulnerable, people notice. People with ill intentions take advantage of the opportunity to strip out the infrastructure to their own advantage. They may gain 40 bucks of copper for their effort, but you're left with thousands of dollars. Have you been victimized? Yes, by your own inattention. The responsibility to care for that house, or your Self, and your body has been yours all along. With so many people who don't have homes, cooperative bodies, or a sense of who they are . . . you take for granted at times all the gifts that you do have. At least that's my MO.

Better Choices, every day, in every aspect of life. That's pretty much all we can promise ourselves. Vigilance and attention are key.

Goals Schmoals

2011-01-19T20:29:00.000-05:00

I feel like the haze is lifting a little.
Not a thick fog
Almost not noticeable at all really
More of a film
Through which I was viewing worlds
My own life

But I'm clearing off the lens now
And remembering
It's okay if I don't have specific goals
Numbers and dates
They are not measurements of my success
Or worth

Resolutions are not my style or nature
Progress
Continuous improvement slow and steady
On a daily basis
Meaningful memories linked one to another
Forming life

To eat a little healthier and move a little more
Every Day
To learn more about myself and the world
And love
To live with compassion, forgiveness, and truth
Is valuable

I'm back to basics now. I remember who I am and feel inspired once again. I am not setting expectations for myself of consuming or burning a certain number of calories, exercising a certain amount of time, achieving a certain weight or measurements. These things are all tools to use on the journey towards my increased happiness and fulfillment. Lately, I've been caught up in the expectations of others and measuring myself by their standards. Not my style and, frankly, not working for me. Joining challenges seemed like a good idea as it appears so motivating to others. I remember resisting the Hot 100 challenge at first and then just jumping in on the bandwagon for the fun of it. And it was fun for a while. The Power of 1 challenge is really cool too, and I was excited about it at first and it's been really great for me because it's helped me come back to the realization that SMART goals are not what motivate me. I still intend to follow along and encourage people who do gain motivation from these types of things. I kinda wish they did work for me so I could play along more actively with my friends! But since I got involved in so many towards the end of the year, I've really spent a lot more time worrying about reporting in and thereby setting myself up for disappointment, rebellion, and failure.

Another thing that cleared the film away for me is a conversation I had with a good friend recently. We were talking about the future - she is a planner, a goal-setter, and a high-achiever. She was pointing out that I could be doing more with my time while kiddo is in school and I actually started considering it. A lot of my friends are going back to school these days and/or working while kids are in school. But really - it's not what I want for my family. Hubby agrees. I love my job right now. I'm not doing it as well as I would like to do it, and I need to take that up a couple dozezn notches. That's the kind of thing I need to be focusing on! I need to focus on the job I love - taking care of my family. It's enough for me! A big part of that is taking care of myself and that means eating healthy, learning a lot, and becoming more compassionate/loving towards the world. Blogging is my favorite tool towards doing that. Not everybody is given (or takes) the opportunity to do this. It won't last forever, I know. But now is the time to appreciate it and love it. Carpe diem!

What I know about myself is this. By focusing, choice by choice, on what I'm doing NOW instead of where I want to be later, I'm going to have a higher rate of success. I must live in the present to feel completely alive and to feel like I am me.

snow day, temptation, and only losers gain

2011-01-19T09:09:00.001-05:00

So, no school today. What a great blessing, my kid is sleeping in. I should too. I know sleep is the best way to get through this cold. Sleep and water. If school hadn't been cancelled, I'd be volunteering all day at school and church. Luckily when school closes, so does the church office. Yippee!

There is a lemon crumble pie in my kitchen. Oh.my.gawd. How did that happen? So delish. So breakfasty. Kiddo said last night she wants to try something new with pancakes - crushing up pineapple and adding it to the batter. Real, fresh pineapple. Got it for a buck and a half yday at the fruit market. So yummy. But the pie - it's already made. And there. and I'm HONGRY.

Biggest Loser was incredible last night. How can anybody gain 9 lbs in a week on the BL Ranch? I was totally expecting to find out that the scale was broken. I thought Jillian might cry. No such luck. Scary lady.

Sleeping update

2011-01-18T22:58:00.000-05:00

Over the weekend, I had some limited success with the CPAP. The trick was to actually tape my mouth shut with masking tape to prevent air blowing into my mouth and down my esophagus. Well, hey, at least my reflux wasn't bothering me when that was happening. Today I received a chin strap from the equipment company. The idea is that it will stop my jaw from dropping open as my facial muscles relax, making the tape unecessary. This should also help prevent the horrid flatulance sounds that emit from the side of the mask just as I fall asleep. Now if I hear it I will know for sure it is Hobbes or Sweetie emitting such racket.

So, just as all this falls into place, I come down with a cold. We'll see how the CPAP does with that.

For some reason it occured to me that I could name my machine. Hey, some people have named their "bands." I think this guy is going to be around for a while. I'm sleeping with him. I should know his name after all.

Any suggestions?

Back on the exercise trail!

2011-01-18T13:20:00.001-05:00

20 minutes on the eliptical this a.m., upper body weights, and then 15 min on a bike. The best part was being with my girl posse. It was good to see them after a long, long weekend.

Not bad for feeling like the plague is settling in. Pain in eyes, ears, throat. Coughing/chest congestion evident after doing weights. General allover muscle stiffness. Grumpy and fatigued.

Burger and soda for lunch made me feel taken care of for the moment so i'm not gonna let that high-cal choice bring me down. Healthy, light breakfast this am and lots of water trying to float this cold/virus away. Stopped at the produce market in the city before coming back to the burbs. Loaded up on kiwi, pineapple, bananas, nectarines, and stuff like that. Almost bought some stunning looking strawberries before I realized they were $5 per pound. I wasn't sure we'd be able to make use of everything i was buying, so decided against it. We have frozen berries anyway which I'll have to find some non-smoothie use for, any suggestions?

I think I'll read/take a nap now that my final load of laundry is going.

Judging

2011-01-17T15:36:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite parts of Martin Luther King Jr's famous "I have a dream" speech is the part that talks about wanting his children and grandchildren to be judged by the "content of their character" instead of the color of their skin. This MLK day, I've been thinking about content of character quite a bit. How do I build that in my kid, how do I show it in myself, and what are my expectations of it in others . . . these are the things on which I've been ruminating recently.

Judgment is a difficult habit for me to let go of. I especially tend to judge judgers. I don't like to feel judged, but I realize that everybody is judging all of the time. Judgement is the job of god - big G or little, you decide. Plural, even, if you like. The most challenging work I've been doing is to let go of judgment. I can't quite figure out how I can hold myself and/or other up to high expectations and deal with those expectations not always being met without judgment coming into play.

Right now, I am judging m myself harshly for my recent eating habits, but not as harshly as I am judging the people who are judging OTHERS for not meeting their own expectations of health. So I sit here and ponder and get caught up in the drama of other people behaving idiotically instead of forgiving myself and doing better. After all, I'm the only person I can control, right?

People who do not practice general kindness are not worth my time. Is that a judgment? Or is it my right to decide that and follow through with it by movin on without them? Dammit, this is hard. Judgment is so damn useful and addictive!

Ok, those are the thoughts rambling around in my head today . . .

This morning we did a Kids For Peace service project at the local botanical garden. We sowed seeds for veggies that will eventually be given to community gardens to feed the poor. Feels good to get soil all over me and do some good. Today is supposed to be a national day of service. I'm proud to say I (and my kid) participated in that.

Sunshine!

2011-01-16T09:30:00.000-05:00

The sun is shining brightly this morning

I got up and made healthy breakfast for everybody

I'm in charge of RE (religious ed) for the K - 6th grade today - we're making Valentines.

Did you see Darla's give away? I hope not, because if you go and enter it, then it's less likely that I'll win. I like winning and it's been a while since I've entered anything. So, it's my turn. I'm pretty much a winner. Gimme gimme!

We're supposed to be going to a benefit dinner today for a classmate who has the same type of cancer hubby had. We don't really know her but we want to be supportive and we may see some other highschool friends there. A bit outside my comfort zone, but we'll go and probably have a really nice time.

If all goes well, we'll visit the Kitty Rescue Center afterwards which will make Kiddo happy.

Stylish Blogger Award

2011-01-14T20:46:00.004-05:00

I received this award from four wonderful bloggy friends! Thanks goes to inspiring writers at the following blogs:

FatAngryBlog
Pounds for Life
How I Am Losing It
Rejecting 300

Here are the rules!

Post and link back to the person who awarded you this award. Done! See above.

Share 7 things about yourself

I cannot tolerate liars.
I have a difficult speaking to people, 'cept my close friends and family. It's called Selective Mutism which is an anxiety disorder. I struggle with it probably on a weekly basis, but meds help me get through most daily interactions.
Being my kiddo's mom is the best job ever. I take it very seriously.
I've worked in banking, leasing, food marketing, customer service, insurance claims support, and call center supervision to name a few.
Reading and writing are like breathing to me. (I can't do them in my sleep either.)
John Lennon's "Imagine" is my favorite song EVAH!
One of my many weird interests is natural burial.

Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers (or as many as you can)

This is the hard part which I will have to complete another day. Hopefully I will get to it tomorrow but it's a looooooong weekend!

Contact the bloggers and tell them they won

Blog awards, etc

2011-01-14T20:06:00.002-05:00

I've been crazy busy with the new suburban 30 ft sledding hill and basically stuffing my face the last few days. I'm totally outta control here. I'm frustrated by the CPAP but tweaking things and hoping eventually it will work for me. The BiPap sounds like a good possibility, although I'm not sure insurance would cover it - though they cover the CPAP at 100% so maybe! Besides, hubby would spring for it if he thought it would give me energy enough to keep the house clean and orderly. Well, ya know . . .. it's much funner to go sledding.

So FOUR friends have nominated me for blog awards in the last coupla a days. I'll get to it, really I will. Probably not today as it's practically bedtime already. But I'll at least LOOK at them and start thinking about it. Gosh, I'm lazy lazy lazy. Wow. a lazy fat person. What are the odds of that?

Thanks for those awards and also to the people who emailed wondering if I"m okay. I am. Pretty much. Tired, but okay. I love playing in the snow. Too bad I totally busted kiddo's old sled and the new one I bought her won't fit my obese buttocks. So, any suggestions for sleds? I think the foam ones look fast . .. or maybe a nice sturdy saucer.

Whew. I'm tired.

I love snow. Have I mentioned that?

First Night with CPAP

2011-01-12T02:48:00.001-05:00

Again with the rude noises. It doesn't even say "excuse me" when it toots. At least they don't smell (just like my real ones!)

After four and a half hours, I had a stomach full of air. Turned off the machine, sat up and burped about 7 times and immediately got the hiccups. Downstairs for a spoonful of peanut butter - works every time.
Apparently, it's not that unusual.

Who has an annoying song in their head now? Go Carleton, go!

I think I'm giving up for tonight. Maybe will call the equipment provider tomorrow or try one more night before I call them. Maybe the pressure is too high?

possibly my last day waking up with a headache

2011-01-11T08:25:00.000-05:00

Working out at the gym first thing this morning.

Then off to a little workshop on using machines to breathe while I sleep

Then off to Meijer

Hopefully home by noon for lunch with Sweetie. He'll want to check out the new machine, I'm sure

Laundry all afternoon

Pick up "Market Day" after school

Upper back is sore from yesterday's weights.

Looking forward to waking up perky tomorrow

The "X" key has fallen off of my laptop. I have an ex-X key.

Disappointment

2011-01-10T16:57:00.000-05:00

I will never realize my goal of Richard Simmons crying with me. I've ruined it. And certainly he won't have to cut a wall outta my house to remove me while he cries with me.

Damn, and Shrinking Jeans wants me to plan my whole life for the new project. I'm not good at plans, and now even the Richard Simmons thing isn't going to happen for me. Dammit.

Well, at least Richard will be a guest on Ellen tomorrow.

Not very inspirational today

2011-01-09T20:36:00.000-05:00

My leg pain is finally gone, but I've had a headache for the last coupla days.
Back to the gym tomorrow, restarting the situp challenge and back to the squats
Meatless Monday returns as I cook garlic pasta for lunch and Mandy's kale & rice for dinner
I'm really sick of trying to read "A Course in Weightloss" and I think I'm gonna chuck it.
Lots of after school activities this week.
Long weekend - no school Friday or next Monday
Office politics in the church getting to me and must be confronted straight on
Got to see BFF today and had a good lunch at Tropical Smoothie with her and other friends

Snowy Saturday

2011-01-08T10:26:00.000-05:00

Smart me took my Paxil as soon as I got to the sleep clinic last night. And I'm glad I did because I really needed it. Some things were a lot better than the first time, but some were a lot worse.

The tech that helped me did everything herself which was nice, because I really could barely tolerate 2 people touching me at the same time last time. Especially in a tiny little cold room with fans blowing on me from every direction. That's just the wire hookup though. After that, the worst part the first time, was the smell of glue.

The really bad part was that after the hookup, I had a really sick stomach. I was in the bathroom probably 3 times within an hour. I thought I might vomit, but I didn't. I'll spare you the details, because they are quite gross. So, anyway, dinner hadn't agreed with me but after an hour I was ok to lay down and get all my wires hooked into the monitors.

At first I had no complaints about the mask - which fit over nose and mouth, or the level of air pressure. The difficulty came when I would fall asleep and the position of my head would change. Then the mask would move and lose suction making huge wet farting sounds on my face. So not pleasant, oh yeah, and it was pressing down to hard on the bridge of my giant crooked nose (thanks IRL sister). We tried this for about 2 hours before they finally made some readjusments and let me sleep on my side at midnight. After that, I didn't wake up until my usual time, 5:45. I do notice a bit of difference in my alertness now. But, I could still nap. Good idea, actually.

From here, the doctor looks at the study and writes a prescription for me to get my own machine. Then I will get lessons on how to take care of it and bring it home to be my new nightime cuddle buddy. Hobbes will not be pleased, but I hope he'll get used to it. I need my fluffy bed companion. Which reminds me, Sweetie might be able to tolerate sleeping with me too now. I hate to lose my bed real estate. Hmmm.

Sleep Study Follow up, changed the ticker, and a couple days off

2011-01-07T06:23:00.000-05:00

Tonight is my sleep study follow-up where I experience the treatment. Guess what? I'm having a bit of an anxiety attack. I could use some info from CPAP users letting me know what it's like. Freakin out a little here, but looking forward to treatment and not having days like yesterday where I slept almost all freakin day and was still exhausted at 9 pm.

I realized this morning that I hadn't updated my ticker for a bit. So that's current now> New low weight.

Because of my leg I haven't done any exercise the last coupla days but I'm going to the gym to at least do treads today. Hopefully it'll work off some of this anxiety.

Thin Lanie vs. Fat Lanie

2011-01-06T12:57:00.000-05:00

I've been continuing to read along in the book A Course In Weight Loss. I've been doing a pretty good job of setting my judgements aside so that I can read and learn objectively, applying lessons to my own belief system and adapting them into my life. It's been interesting! The goal of the 2nd assignment was to integrate the separate parts of your mindset that tend to war over health goals. Accepting that they exist and bringing them together with the intent to heal is the intent. So they ask that the reader write from one point of view a letter to the opposing self, and then to shift paradigms and respond to the letter. Here's what I got.

Dear Heavy Lanie;

Let go of me will you!?! You're bringing me down! Suffocating me with fat is not protecting me. It takes a lot more than food to heal these wounds. Whether pain is physical or emotional, it i rarely alleviated by sugar and fat. You are an embarassment to our daughter and our husband. And to me. And the rest of my family and friends. Nobody wants to be seen with you. Heck, your high school friend actually asked you why you "let yourself go". You are keeping me from living the happy life that I crave.

In desperaton,
LaniePainie

Re-reading this as I typed, I'm quite suprised by the self loathing that is seeping through there. I really didn't realize how bad I feel about my weight until I saw it in print. I rarely think about it it, in fact. No, that's not true - I push it from my mind and avoid thinking about it because it's too difficult. Sigh. And now onto the response from my fat mindset!

Dear Healthy Lanie;

All these years, feeding you was the only way I knew how to take care of you. Never having been mourished and comforted myself, I had no experience on which to draw. Now that we are learning more about what it takes to be healthy, I'm doing better! You should give me some credit for that , you know. After all, I'm the one who got you started on the healthy route that you've resisted so long. It's hard to accept that we've "left ourselves go" when we never really "had it together" in the first place. It's just that our outward appearances didn't reflect it as well back in the 1980s. If you remember, you weren't happy as a thin person either. There's clearly a lot more work to be done besides just working on body shape here. If you'll stop criticizing me constantly, maybe we could work on it together . . . ?

stupid pain.

2011-01-06T08:36:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a full day of volunteering and 3/4 of day of intense pain.

It's bad enough to have killer menstrual cramps. I'm used to that for a day or two every month and can ignore it. This time, I'll spare you the details, but it is particularly unpleasant. But that wasn't enough! Even though I felt otherwise "fine" while I shelved books at the school library, when I got out of the car at home afterwards, I had pain in my left leg from my knee all the way up to my lower back. Not muscle soreness - I can deal with that with basic whining techniques. Not sciatica, I've been down that now seemingly pleasant road before. No, this is different.

I took my Voltaren and went about my day sitting at the church and working on the weekly newsletter and walking became less of chore as the meds kicked in. It was barely noticeable until I got home and *gasp* tried to climb a stair-step. I'm telling you this hurts all along the long bone and OUCH it takes my breath away. But now, it only hurts when I'm going up the steps.

So yesterday I skipped squats. I did do 91 sit-ups for that challenge though. I keep stretching my legs and my back and it seems to be getting a little better. But I think I'd better rest it for another day. If that doesn't help, maybe a chiro? I've never been to one before but a friend works in the office for a chiro practice somewhere nearby.

A dusting of snow today caused backups on I-75 near the Ohio turnpike. Another good reason to stay home. Fools can't drive.

Wann do something nice for somebody?

2011-01-05T16:30:00.000-05:00

Look at this post and help if you can.

Thanks.

Back to the present time.

2011-01-04T22:20:00.000-05:00

Yesterday's post was a fun little project from http://www.shrinkingeans.net/ where we were supposed to pretend we were 1 year in the future looking back and writing a letter to our present self. So, that is my wish list of sorts for the coming year. Thanks everybody for you enthusiastic responses.

Today I had great fun hanging out with BFF and doing a little knitting, worked out at the gym 40 minutes on the treadmill and tried some crazy exercise at home too, during Biggest Loser.

At the beginning of the BL premiere, I was smaller than each one of them. That was fun! Didn't last long though. At least it was a 2 hour episode. lol

Now I need to go find my Kindle so I can sleep. Nice, snuggly Kindle. I want to wrap up Lesson 1 in the book "A Course in Weight Loss" as recommended as this month's pick by Juli's Journey. This one is definitely written for Believers, but I think there are a lot of good ideas in here that even a total heathen could wrap up in their own belief system and use towards their success. It's a little difficult to stay objective during some of the churchier stuff, but I'll muddle through. :)

Tomorrow looks like it's going to shape up to be a full day of volunteering, although I've missed my lunches with Sweetie 2 days in a row now so I'm going to try to work that in somehow. I know he probably misses me terribly. :-) Especially since he decided not to join us for the viewing of the Biggest Loser premiere.

Memo from the Future

2011-01-03T21:38:00.001-05:00

January 3, 2012

Dear Self;

As I sit here in my favorite chair of my favorite room in my favorite house ever, I think back to how I was last year . . . .um how you are now. You see, time travel confuses the hell out of me. As an avid reader, I avoid time travel books because they are so STUPID! However, now that I myself am capable of time travel, it is not as bad as it once was.

This has been a big year for you. Your baby turned 10, you celebrated your 20th anniversary, and your husband has taken an early partial retirement. Remember how you thought it might be annoying to have him around more often? It's really not so bad! Without the stress of that high-pressure job, he is more enjoyable and loving life a lot more. You will love the changes you see in him. But wait, there's more!

In January you were desperately trying to get stronger. No just phsyically, but emotionally as well. You were finally grasping the concepts of forgiveness, compassion, grace, and joy. Now all of that comes naturally to you. Not only that, but you've finally decided what you want to be when you grow up. That's right! You're putting things in place to become the true you that you've always meant to be. And because Sweetie isn't working as much, you still enjoy more family time than ever! I won't ruin the suprise by telling you what it is - the adventure will be more fun for you if you figure it out yourself, anyway!

Now you've participated in a few 5K walk/runs and reached a healthy BMI. You've discovered the strength that has always been within you and used it to establish good, supportive relationships, foster those you already had, and pull away from those that were damaging. You've set good examples for your daughter and her friends, made a difference by co-leading their Kids For Peace group, and "just said no" to extra responsiblities being piled upon you. Realizing the the people whose relationships you cherish are those that deserve the most tending has been a big change for you. It took courage, but you did it. Setting healthy boundaries and being more confident about your choices has led to a happier life for you and your family.

And best of all, you're still you! Not the scared little girl you always thought you were, but the intelligent, confident, creative, articualate and compassionate person that has always been there waiting her turn. Well this is it. Let's go for it!

Love always,
You

Today's Exercise

2011-01-03T17:15:00.000-05:00

10 minutes on the eliptical

25 minutes on the treadmill at 3.1 with a 1.0 incline

166 Squats (Week 4, Day 1 of squats - the hardest yet!)

81 Sit-ups (Week 1, Day 1 of 200 situps challenge.)

YIKES! My heart rate really got up there on the last set of (45) squats. I'm done for the day!

TGIM!

2011-01-03T06:54:00.000-05:00

Mondays are my ME day and I haven't had one in a long while now. Sure, there have been days that call themselves Monday, but unless I have the house to myself and have no other responsibilities, they're just fakers.

Today I'll go to the gym. I will sweat and stink, oh yeah baby. I will do weights and crunches, the eliptical and treadmill. Maybe I will jump in on a class if I'm wacky enough. We shall see how it goes. I'll go to my favorite grocery afterwards, then come home and clean the fridge before putting all my fresh new goodies away. And I'll probably nap and/or read while the laundry is getting itself (dream!) caught up.

But now, just now. Kiddo's alarm is going off already. She's not gonna be happy since she was still trying to get to sleep at 11 pm.

Good Books! Good Books!

2011-01-02T15:58:00.000-05:00

I have been really grooving with the nonfiction this last month or so. And this weekend I found another blog that I'm really excited about! Fellow book geeks, please come over and join me at Juli's Journey to check out her January book pick: A Course in Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson. I'll be adding it to my <3 Kindle <3 later today!

I have often wished to have some sort of online book club where I could read and learn from what other people read and share from books. Slowly, slowly, I am building up a community of fellow book geeks and with my ~~new best friend~~ Kindle at my side, it can only get better!

So, here are the books I've read lately that really made me think:

Shit My Dad Says by Justin Halpern
This is one hilarious book. I found myself quickly wishing that I had a dad just like Justin's. I appreciate the directness and honesty with the way he expresses himself. Never unkind at the core, but not sugar coating it either, Justin's dad says what is on his mind.

This is Not the Story You Think It Is by Laura Munson
This is one of those must-own books. At the beginning, Laura is [like myself] a collector of other people's wisdom. She talks about the stack of books at her bedside and how she looks to them for inspiration for eing her best self. Armed with this wisdom, she faces the possiblility of the end of her marriage. Acceptance and letting go of controlling others is what it's all about. I highly recommend reading it and finding out for yourself how it's done.

The Shack by William P. Young
This is the only work of fiction on my list but it is FABULOUS! I resisted reading it knowing it was Chritian-based and I thought it would be a big ol' Bible thumpin' extravaganza. Not to say that it isn't centered around the teachings of the Bible. It is. There's a lot to learn and this is an awesome summation of some of the most important *IMO* parts of its teachings. I learned so much about compassion, forgiveness, and love in this book that I will henceforth recommend to everybody - regardless of religion or lack thereof.
Lies I Told My Kids by Karen McQuestion
I'm still in the process of reading this one but it's a real gem. I haven't read her fiction yet, but I've downloaded lots. It's less than $2 on Kindle. I can't believe I haven't ever heard of her before. Clever and funny, she describes a laundry list of things we all tend to think we won't do - like lie to our children - but when reality hits the fan, it happens.

The Craggy Hole in My Heart and the Cat Who Fixed It by Geneen Roth

I thought this would be a book about grieving, and in part it is. But the real lessons in this book revolve more around seeing people as who they really are - limitations and all - rather than who we need them to be. Especially with our parents, we tend to construct certain chariciatures of them when we are children that aren't especially realistic. When we have to face that reality, it can bring on a lot of pain. Working through that pain and disappointment is the only way to work through it.

I decided not to link directly to each out of laziness, but if they are all available on Amazon or you can see them easily on my "Shelfari" link in my sidebar. Please, let me know your opinions of any of these books, or other books you think I might enjoy.

I haven't done a book post for a while

2011-01-02T10:13:00.000-05:00

And you know I love me some books

And I loves me my new Kindle. Best gift EVAH for somebody who likes immediate satsifaction. Gimme Gimme! I love it so much that I was mad because Sweetie wouldn't let me go sit and wait for the oil change in the Prius. The thought of an hour and a half alone with my K was sooooooooo tempting!

What have you read recently that you've loved?

Here's my quick top 5 list:
(I intend to come back later and fill in links and details)

The Craggy Hole in My Heart and the Cat Who Fixed It by Geneen Roth
Shit My Dad Says
This is Not the Story You Think It Is
The Shack
Lies I Told My Kids by Karen McQuestion

For now, I gotta whip myself into shape and head to church. We leave in 18 minutes. Prolly time to get out of my PJs and stop being a lump :)

Starting the 200 Situps Challenge on Monday. Who's With Me?

2011-01-01T20:35:00.000-05:00

Here is the link to the program:

http://www.twohundredsitups.com/

I did my test set today - 25, although I wouldn't call them "good form". I doubt if I managed the 35º angle they suggest, but I did the best I could manage with these fat rolls getting in the way. We'll see how I feel tomorrow where my abs would be if they existed.

I'm half way through the 200 squats program. Kiddo started the push ups program today. I need to do that one too, but I may wait until I'm halfway through the situps. I don't want to pile on too much at once and then end up getting overwhelmed.

So, here's your official invitation: Join me in the situps program. Let's do it! The time investment is minimul - Less than 10 minutes, 3 days a week.

The Hate-Loss Challenge

2011-01-01T08:42:00.000-05:00

Over at Fat Girl Wearing Thin, I've joined this great new challenge because ~~it has a really cute badge~~ it is in alignment with how I want to live. Check it out here:

In general I do a fairly good job at saying positive things to others, even on my grumpy days. In order to keep on track, though, I will need to embrace the habit of lifting myself up as well. Here's to trying to end the self-hate that creeps in on the dark days. I am confident that I can do this! Come join us!

Happy Old Year!

2011-01-01T00:42:00.000-05:00

Every man should be born again on the first day of January. Start with a fresh page. Take up one hole more in the buckle if necessary, or let down one, according to circumstances; but on the first of January let every man gird himself once more, with his face to the front, and take no interest in the things that were and are past. ~~~Henry Ward Beecher

Last night I re-read through my entire blog to refresh my memory before girding myself for the new year. Here are some of what I consider the highlights! I know most people won't want to check every link, or have the time to do it, but don't miss July 23, September 10th, and October 24 if you only have a time for a few.

My first post on this blog had me weighing 272 lbs. Already 17 lbs less than my all-time high of 289 earlier in the year. That was May 31.

On June 2, I first wrote about my sleep iwssues which have been more in the forefront as of late.
On June 13, I get my first faithful followers/commentors who have not met me IRL. I still get a lot of support from Anne and Olivia both. They are wonderful people. If you don't read their blogs, you should!
June 14, Deb from Weigh Down joined my followers after I bared my fat neck. Go look at it and then reassure me that it no longer looks like that. Thanks.
June 27, Erika the Ice Queen is my new follower and I love her blog!
On July 5, Lyn commented for the first time. This girl has escaped obesity and is closing in on her goal weight. So proud of her! This is also the first day I went swimming. This kickstarted the weightloss!
On July 7 I had a major emtional breakthrough after a visit from a childhood friend. I had been taking my body for granted. No more! About that time, I found Julie. God love her, that lady is strong! I don't know how she does it some days, but she always comes through! (Now I intended to list my first 5 bloggers that joined me, but I see I've already gone over that limit. I'm sorry I don't have the wherewithal to go through all of the 142 of you! Also, there were a few that didn't "stick" for whatever reason. No slight intended, but these ladies have been around and stayed around)
July 13 I found out I have an underactive thyroid. I was full of hope that treatment would solve my energy lows. No such luck!
July 20 I apparently forgot that I couldn't run and relearned that lesson.
The next day, I was pissed that I just missed my chance of having a superhero cape.
On July 23, I came across a now-favorite quote about forgiveness. This recurring theme resonates with a lot of us and I shared it in the interest of healing our emotional eating habits.
July 28th - my late brother's bday - and I quote Allan's great wisdom about food being food and reminded myself not to eat so much of it.
July 30th, I found inspiration that finally got it through my head to "eat out loud".
On August 2nd I finally accepted the fact that I shouldn't eat unless I'm hungry. I should've reread that post a couple of weeks ago!
Two days after that, I became SEVERELY (as opposed to morbidly) obese. Yay!
On August 15, I got my Zen on and started learning "acceptance" and the following day, I admitted that I am a diet atheist like Jenette Fulda
At the end of August, I got a little grumpy about the words "full" and "bored" and asked people to look at themselves and their habits a little closer.
September 1st, I found the magic pill and I gave it to all my readers - for FREE!
September 7, I broke into a new decade, having lost over 30 lbs.
September 10, I had do "call out" my least favorite planet.
The next day, I woke up hungry.
Sept. 13, I decide my doctor is more lovable than scary.
Sept 16, we talk about polarizing words and their effect on attitude.
Sept 18, it was time to try new things.
On the 19th, I posted a picture of when I was a hot babe, confessing that I didn't grow up fat.
Sept 25th, I have the best NSV EVAH! and I get my fruit on!
Sept 29th, I close out the month by realizing forgiveness also applies to MYSELF.
Oct 13th I shared my experiences and philosophies about picky eating.
Oct 18th, I attempted to share the exercises that help me work out my hip/low back pain and then in the next post alienate some readers with a rant about "pinkwashing"
Oct 24th, I published my "This I believe" statement
And the next day, I talked about where I'd be in 5 years.
On Nov 2, I talked to much and got involved with a really super fun new challenge on Patrick's blog
Nov 6th, I became determined to choose JOY :)
Nov 10, I realized that wanting things that are beyond my control was the root of much suffering
Nov 18, I got a gym membership and tried Zumba and Body Sculpt.
Nov 30, I vowed to make the eliptical machine my bitch.

And in December? I showed that eliptical who was boss, started the 200 squat challenge, started weight training at the gym, embarassed myself in Spinning class, discovered dharmaseed.org, drastically cut back on Pepsi, turned 41, got a traffic ticket, got to a weight less than my hubby, got the flu, watched some hysterical wildlife on the pond, saw the Globetrotters, got to a new low weight, and joined a new challenge.

I ended the year 57 lbs lighter than I started it, and with a helluva lot less baggage. Now that I'm saying goodbye to it, and tightening my belt to gird myself for the new one, I'm gald it's over and planning even more success to come.

Week 3, Day 3 of 200 Squats Challenge & a rainbow, too.

2010-12-31T16:34:00.000-05:00

My right knee is hurting a bit, but it beats the HECK out of the left kidney pain I had experienced earlier today and the pain in the butt I've spent time with today (no, not Mandy).

I did 173 squats today. 65 were consecutive. My knee hurts. Knee usually gives out before the muscles get too wobbly. Still don't think I'm up for "Spinning" class any time soon.

We've had the weirdest weather here. It's generally cold in NW Ohio in late fall and early winter, with some dustings of snow, but this year we had a white Christmas. Now, on NYE, it was 55ºF and thunderstorming. I've never seen a rainbow on New Years Eve before and today Kiddo spotted one out the window that I would've been too busy grumbling to notice without her. I love that kid.

Rainbows are good omens for me. I saw one June 21, 1987. That was the day that my (now) husband was pronounced clear of cancer after his battle and near-death from Non-Hodkins Lymphoma. I don't know what great news this rainbow will usher in but I'm hoping it's the sale of two houses, and a future of more good health and happy times for my family and friends.

Happy New Year!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ITTyIjYJvs

I didn't BLOW IT and Wrapping Up the HOT 100

2010-12-31T13:19:00.000-05:00

Over 100 days ago I joined two challenges.

On Septmeber 15, Erika at "Fat Like Me" posted this gem. The gist of the challenge was to avoid undoing any of the hard work we'd accomplished this year by gaining the usual 5 to 15 holiday pounds. By losing 11.6 lbs, I have risen to the challenge! I believe that without the encouragement of bloggy friends like Erika and all of you, it would've been a struggle this year. Intuitive eating flew out the window some of the last few days, just as calorie counting would've. So many times I thought "screw this, I'm eating for fun today" but because of the challenges and my aversion to total public humiliation, I maintained the downward weight trend, even though the line on the chart leveled off a great deal towards the end.

Here are my Hot 100 Goals Set for the last 100 days of the year which happened to have coincided with the beginning of autumn.

Health: Go to bed by 10 pm nightly

About 95% of the time, I was successful with this goal. Even when I did my sleep study, I was tucked in an hour ahead of schedule because I am now so accustomed to it. Hopefully once treatment is in place, 10 pm will be the only time I go to bed - no more 9 am and 1 pm naps.

Nutrition: Eat more fruit!
Our good friend Patrick at Responsibility 199 was key in setting and achieving this goal. Although I rarely eat the 5 servings that I know make me feel the best, I am definitely improving and eating fruit on a daily basis. When we went to my mother's for Xmas, I was astounded by the lack of fruits and vegetables offered for the holiday meal and then I realized - they were never a part of my life growing up, either. Occasionally we'd have canned processed fruit and veggies but not as a general rule. Hmmm. back then I was on an all-carb high fat diet and I was thin as a rail, and yet I was active all the time. Something to think about, although clearly not a good ongoing plan! Thanks Patrick for getting me started on that!
Activity: Achieve BMI at or below 35
This is a goal that I should've never published. Putting deadlines and numbers together is almost certain to gaurantee failure when it comes to me. That must be some psychological impairment that I have that motivates me to rebel against numbers. Maybe I should learn more about "Avoidant Personality Disorder." Or, maybe it's better not to know. I think I'll avoid it for now. At any rate, my current BMI is
36.33. Obviously it doesnt agree with the BMI app on my phone, which I liked a lot better because it told me what I wanted to hear. Still, I'm sticking with the Wii Fit's calculations.

Accountability: Blog at least 2x daily
For me, this ended up not being a very realistic goal. I ended up having to choose between reading lots of blogs or posting my own. I have a ton of unfinished blog posts sitting in my dashboard now for upcoming posts because I'd start the 2nd daily post and then remember that I hadn't read a few of my favorites. Plus, the goal had a number tied to it. Always a bad idea when I'm me.

Pay it Forward: Encourage hubby to join the journey
I'm going to count myself as successful on this one despite the fact that he isn't on board. I can do that, because I did encourage him. Of course, I can't control his actions so I can't make him do what I think is best for him. I'll keep encouraging and one of these days I'll even let him know that I finally weigh less than him. However, I need that spread to be a little wider before I share that paticular secret. I'm very competitive like that.

Thanks everybody for your continued support, advice, and comraderie. I have lost a total of 57 pounds last year through practicing mindfulness. With that came a lot of learning about controlling my ongoing anxiety issues as well. I find myself entering 2011 not only 57 lbs lighter, but also taking being less fearful of doctors and people in general. I'm becoming the best me I can be, which is a continous process. Several months ago when I started reading my BIL's blog, it didn't occur to me that there were so many other weight loss blogs out on the interwebs, let alone that I would end the year learning from so many and publishing one of my one with over a hundred thirty followers!

Nobody knows what the next 365 days will bring. There will be successes and challenges, to be sure. We're all in this together, cheering one another on towards the goal of weighing less, living healthy lives, and making better choices. I'm confident we'll hear a lot more success stories, NSV's, weigh-ins, setbacks, injuries, excuses, meal plans, ideas, recipes, foibles, and maybe even a runner jogging into the side of a parked van here and there.

Peace!

Power of One photo and measurements

2010-12-30T17:40:00.001-05:00

I look at this photo and I think, did I only IMAGINE that I lost almost 60 lbs this year? Holy Crap.

It does appear that my hips are smaller, probably from the squats. Seriously considering the situp challenge now that I've seen this.

Neck
16 inches
Right Arm
14 inches

Left arm
13 3/4 inches

Chest
47 3/4 inches

Waist
46 1/2 inches

Abdomen
49 1/4 inches

Hips
48 inches

Right Thigh
25 inches

Weight
232 lbs even

200 Squat Challenge: Day 2, Week 3/Power of One/Healthy Living Goals

2010-12-29T20:03:00.000-05:00

I just did my squats and my grand total for the day is 173! Let's see if the one-armed Mandy(t) can beat that! Whoo, my back hurts and my legs are gelatinous. (There's a word you can't work into daily conversation without trying).

Trying to catch up on reading blogs and I see that one of the most cleverly named blogs, Cankles and Carrots is joining a challenge called The Power of One at The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans blog. Because I'm not afraid of failure, and because Steve's HOT 100 is cming to a close, I foolishly signed up. Please go over and ~~suffer along~~ check it out with me. I have no idea what I've signed up for. Really. I'm not good at tracking on routines of any kind. I tend to rebel against them, even if - or especially when - they are self imposed.

The thing that sold me on this challenge was the ~~cute and clever name of the blog~~ fact that they outwardly reject the notion of new year's resolutions. Sold! However, the challenge for today is to list my new healthy living goals. So, what can I come up with for this?

Continue Blogging Daily
Increase my compassion capacity
Stretch my frustration tolerance (Thanks Anne!)
Continue losing weight and making my doctor happy
Participate in a 5K walk in the first half of the year
Achieve a healthy BMI by the end of the year

Another part of the challenge is to take measurements and a "before" photo which I will do tomorrow at the gym since I have no clue where our tape measure is now. Kiddo has a playdate in the afternoon and I plan to visit the gym at that time, so I'll ask the trainer to take measurements for me at that time. I do know that my weight this morning was 232 lbs even. It says I should blog about my bathroom scale, but I use my Wii Fit board as my scale and it's not in the potty :) (tee hee, I said potty).

Teller of untruths, Teller of untruths, may your trousers combust spontaneously!

2010-12-29T10:48:00.004-05:00

Lies and the big fat liars that tell them. What should we do about them? Particularly here in blogland? And what should we do when people give ultimatums akin to a second grader saying "I won't be your friend if you play with Suzie!"

Seriously, I've been disappointed by bloggy friends who follow those who trash me, my lifestyle, my physician-endorsed health plan, and my friends. But know what? That's their choice.

I can totally understand wanting to hide from bullies, changing your blog and your blogger ID to protect yourself, and I can even understand the struggle between wanting to protect oneself that way and wanting to stand up for oneself as well. I'm a pretty understanding person. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. I see the good in most people, even when it is overpowered by negative.

I understand that narcissistic personality disorder can be really difficult to live with and it takes all my compassion to meditate for loving kindness towards people who experience it. What I can't understand is why somebody tells lies to garner sympathy for themselves and play the victim. Why not let it go and focus on your own success and happiness instead of trying to discredit others and play the GW Bush "if you're not with me, you're against me" card. Really? Who does that serve? How do you grow as a person if you surround yourself with "yes men" and people who fawn over your adoringly never questioning anything you say or do?

Personally, I value friendships that challenge me and encourage me to think outside my own narrow experience. I thrive on them actually.

But I'm curious about your opinions, my bloggy friends, how do YOU think this kind of stuff should be handled? And, do you handle it the way you would advise your children to handle it on the playground?

~~~We now return to our previous program, already in progress~~~

Edited to add: For the record, I never denied welcoming Darla back to blogland. I don't know where that accusation came from at all. It's just another way of his misrepresenting the truth.

THIS POST HAS BEEN CLOSED FOR COMMENTS DUE TO PENDING LEGAL ACTION

that was a big day

2010-12-28T20:51:00.000-05:00

Sleep study showed apnea. Duh. that's all they told me about it, except for that I have to go back a week from Friday and get another one with the CPAP machine to calibrate it. The worst part was the hookup. The glue in the hair stinks and it's all itchy. Difficult to get out of my hair. But, if it helps me live I suppose it's worth it. I hated HATED having hands all over me hooking me all up. Sleeping wasn't exactly cozy but they did bring me an extra blanket cuz I was FREEEEEZING. It took me longer than usual to fall asleep, but I expected that. So I go back Jan 14. Yi -pee.

Before Kiddo, when I worked at a j-o-b in the banking industry. Our best "couples" friend from that time has since moved to PA as minister, but we both agree that it was the best job EVAH when were in credit card. At any rate, we got together today for the first time in about 9 1/2 years. They had met Kiddo when she was less than a week old. So we went to IHOP today and got along as well as ever. Unfort, his kid that is only a few months older than ours, suddenly puked on the table as we were waiting for our orders. Her mom ran her "home" to grandparents and came back. The baby sister (toddler) ended up getting her big chocolate chip happy face pancake while mom was gone. We had great fun watching her dig in with both fists. Mom wasn't TOO mad when she returned and it helped the other kids forget about the barf incident.

After that I napped. Dang, I was tired!

I had purchased tickets to the Globetrotters for Sweetie's bday and today was the game. His first time. I was a bit disappointed compared to the other 2 games we had been to at a nearby university but this one was in a hockey stadium and didn't have as good seating. Sweetie was entertained and had a bday gift that wasn't clutter, so he was happy. Afterwards we went to get Kiddo's jersey signed. It is a #41 "Dunbar" jersey I bought for $5 at a garage sale last year. As the players were signing it, they all said "Awesome! Sweet Lou! Look! Sweet Lou!" and things like that. So naturally I had to look him up on the net when we got home.

Here is a photo and some information about why is one of the most legendary players, and now personnel coach for the Globetrotters. He was even a character in the 1979 animated series. Anybody remember that? He was the one that pulled things out of his superhero afro. I remember that. Too bad he wasn't on hand at today's game - he's pretty busy in Houston. As a rummage sale whore, and a celebrity stalker, I am completely pumped about this purchase. This is my 3rd game but I certainly didn't know enough to claim it was the reason why I bought this XL adult size jersey for my 9 year old kid. lol It looks great on her. We'll have to try to get Dunbar's sig on it along with the others!

Unfortunately, as we were leaving the stadium, she started puking.

Tonight's the night

2010-12-27T06:25:00.002-05:00

The dreaded sleep study.

I'm not happy about it, but I'm not freaking out as much as I was.

One of my church friends reassured me that it's "just like sleeping in a hotel, especially if you're used to going to some kind of freaky hotel where they hook you up to machines and watch you sleep."

And it's OVAH!

2010-12-26T10:56:00.000-05:00

Christmas has come and gone. Time to take down the Christmas stuff and put out the snowmen.

We had a nice visit with mom, sister, and sis' boyfriend yesterday. Kiddo got shloads more gifts and now we need to find a place for all her loot. Thank goodness hubby and I put an end to our own.

I felt sad for Sweetie yesterday as we didn't hear from his parents until very late and he didn't get to talk to his brother at all. We called at 9:30 on our way home but alas, it was too late to talk to the kids, too. They are normal kids who were up early with excitement about their loot whereas ours had to be dragged out of bed at 9 am. Today I woke her up at 10. She likes her sleep. She his happy with her holiday loot and visiting.

Tomorrow night is my sleepover at the sleep clinic. Enough of that. Let's not think about it. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

Other than squats, I've been slackin on exercise lately. Food as well. So much yummy yummy that I push my intuition aside and enjoy. I have undone some of my hard work that way and yet I'm not feeling terribly guilty over it. yet. maybe a smidge. I will not panic over 2 or 3 pounds. Kiddo will be back in school on Jan 3rd and I'll be back to the gym. Until then, she will just have to play Wii with me daily and have fun fun fun doing it. Once I can scrape the remote out of her little sweaty hand.

Where can I return this gift?

2010-12-25T08:22:00.000-05:00

I gained 2lbs over night. What? Oh well, I'll return it easy enough.

Happy Christmas everyone!

Hot 100, updates, and 1 week to go

2010-12-24T12:38:00.001-05:00

Week 2, day 3 of 200 squats and I completed 102 squats. Later I have to do the progress test to see how many I should do next week. I'm hoping I'll be able to move up a level. I think if I'd be more faithful with my fish oil supplements, my knees would allow more. I'm so glad I can (NSV) properly stretch my quads now, cuz they're gonna need it.

Hot 100 goals - what the heck were they?

Health: Go to bed by 10 pm nightly 50% success this

week but I was up past midnight last night w/o even realizing it.
Nutrition: Eat more fruit! I'd say probably about 50% success on this as well. I started out the week pretty good, but then I was sick sick sick and didn't eat much. I did have a banana for brekkie today though!

Activity: Achieve BMI at or below 35. It is currently at 35.4 according to the BMI calculator on my phone so I'm getting close! I have one more week to make it, but having lost 11 lbs so far on this challenge is good enough for me to say "I haven't blown it."

Accountability: Blog at least 2x daily
Major fail. I think I skipped 2 days this week altogether and only ended up blogging twice one day - yesterday. I'm ok with it. It can't be "all about me" this time of year and when I'm deeply depressed I don't feel like talking to anybody, even the blogosphere.

Pay it Forward: Encourage hubby to join the journey
He's hooked on video game currently (Sid Meier Civilization) so he's not too much into health and nutrition. That's ok. He's happy and I'm good with that. At least he's not sitting around stuffing his face with junk.

Random Quacks.

2010-12-23T23:12:00.000-05:00

I walked 2 miles on WIO today and probably could've done more if I had brought my hydration along. As it was, I had to go get my huge glass of water and then was distracted.

Much enjoyment has been gotten from watching the ducks on our pond this week. The pond is frozen solid except for a circle in the middle about 10 feet in diameter because of the bubbler we keep running year-round. This makes a nice water feature that attracts more wildlife, including up to 23 ducks (so far) at one time. The enjoyable part is when they attempt to fight on the ice. We put some cracked corn out for them today and 6 were trying to make their way to shore. One bumped into another and a squabble ensued. They were sliding around everywhere . .. looking like feathered weebles. I need to charge my video camera. Laughter is the best medicine, we should all be doing well and thanking our resident quacks.

Sweetie. I like him. We had fun playing with the kid today, lots of laughs. I'm anxious for Christmas even though she is the only one who receives gifts. She no longer believes in Santa, but she is one of the more appreciative people I know - always happy to be thought of.

Tomorrow is the Hot 100 Weigh-in, second to the last in fact. I've skipped some because of depression and other things. I think I'm back on track now and will check in for it tomorrow. I made the msitake of going for a bday breakfast at a place that has a photo of some now out-of-state family mid-month and I became very sad and "wallowy" after seeing the kids' photos, knowing they are growing up without me, it breaks my heart. I love those kids (and their parents of course) to pieces. I miss them more than what is probably normal or healthy - not that I would know a normal or healthy emotion if it snuck up on me and kicked me in the buttoxen - anyway, I think I am a little better now and can move on with life with less wallowing. At least until the ducks leave. :D

Finally!

2010-12-23T09:55:00.000-05:00

Last night I finally was able to "normally" digest something. The Mac N Cheese, of course. It would be something fatty and highly caloric. Ah well, I'm hoping this means the virus is on its way out of my body. My weight was the same this morning as it was yesterday which is somewhat of a relief since it hopefully signifies the end of this flu or whatever it is. Today I hope to be getting on and using Walk It Out for a while and see how I do. So far, eating is good, only about 150 calories and not hungry. Pushing lots of fluids and laying low for now.

Sweetie has a vaca day today and tomorrow which means he should be home from work soon and won't need to be back until Sunday.

A blessed Saturnalia, Merry Christmas, etc to all of you :)

Week 2, Day 2 (200 Squats) and more

2010-12-22T17:29:00.000-05:00

Today is Day 2 of Week 2 for the 200 squats program (see links tab for more information).

Usually I do my squats in the mid morning but with Kiddo home and my tummy still sick, the day has escaped me. I just fnished and I completed 79 squats for the day. Not bad considering how weak I feel.

I did go out to breakfast this morning and eat, but (TMI) I would be suprised if I absorbed anything from that meal. I've been snacking throughout the day and staying to tay hydrated and I've spent more time doing squats in the ladies' room than out, but I didn't count those in my 79.

Whatever the hell this virus is, I hope it "runs" its course soon. I'm tired of hearing and feeling my gut rumble.

Kiddo is using one of her "12 Days of Christmas" gifts today. It's the Fix It and Forget It Cookbook for kids. Home made mac n cheese anyone? Yeah, that's gonna sit well in my gut. She made the shopping list, I took her to Kroger and she put it all in the slow cooker. I hope for her sake it turns out well. My stomach is already complaining about it, but i'll eat some.